This Wonderful Life

Life Happens When You Find My New Site!

2011-11-10T10:14:00.001-05:00

If you haven't figured out, I've moved to a new site!

I hope to see you there!!

New Beginnings

2011-11-07T23:44:00.004-05:00

I am so happy that I've kept this blog for such a long time. It has told my life story for over 5 years. And so much has happened. When I started this blog I wasn't even married yet. I was barely engaged.

This blog has seen me through our wedding and newlywed phase, new jobs for both of us, moving, changes in friendships, two pregnancies and the birth of my motherhood, my first year as a teacher, the death of my cousin.

This blog is my catharsis.

I've been conflicted for quite sometime about my little piece of the Internet. I wouldn't trade it for the world, and yet, even as much as I love it, it never became what I wanted it to be.

It is my journal, yes. And I love that. For some that is enough. But it isn't enough for me.

I can count on my one hand my loyal readers- Hi Sheri! Hi Jenn! Hi Lauren! Thank you so much for your support and encouragement and for coming back each time!! And thank you to the other visitors who've stopped by and commented here and there or just browsed and went on. I love that people are curious about me and are interested in what I have to say.

I talked before about a mental breakdown I had a few weeks ago. It was a scary time for me, but I am slowly recovering. Our family made some major changes to accommodate my mental health. I am thrilled for this new journey!!

On one of those nights where my mental stability was hanging on by a thin thread, I really took some time to evaluate myself and my life. I truly believe one of the gifts I was given was the ability to write- to craft words to encourage others. While writing for myself is also a gift in itself, I really feel like God is calling me to use my writing for a greater good.

And though I'll miss This Wonderful Life, I had to let got of this space so that my heart and my words can fill up another.

I don't know what will happen. This is so scary to me, but it is something I have to try. For myself. For my family. For God.

With all that said, I have a favor! Especially from you, my faithful readers (Sheri and Jenn and Lauren), would you join me here?

I'll appreciate it more than you'll ever know!!

And Just Like That...

2011-11-06T09:52:00.005-05:00

It is hard to believe that three years ago, I was just 12 days away from meeting my first child, my son, my Lucas Joseph. I was swollen and scared and cranky and restless. I was excited and nervous. I eagerly rubbed my belly and anticipated the future. Depending the moment, I was ready to get that baby out or I was enjoying the time- just the two of us.

It is hard to believe that my sweet boy that used to nuzzle his sweet face into my neck will be 3 in less than two weeks. The boy who slept on my chest for nights on end. The infant child who made me a mommy.

It is so incredibly, indescribably hard to believe.

I've mourned this milestone in so many ways over the past few months. Before my very eyes, Lucas has blown past his babyhood, his toddlerhood, even. He is a full fledged little boy. He's got spunk. He's got spirit. He's got attitude. He's got a brilliant imagination. He's rough and tumble and yet still has a soft spot for Mickey Mouse. He's got a mind of his own. He understands the power of words. He has a ridiculous and vast vocabulary. He knows at least half a dozen letters in the alphabet and recognizes them on billboards, in story books, on the T.V. He can recite his favorite books and can figure out what's going to happen in books that he is not familiar with. He can count to 20 on his own. When he falls, he jumps up and says, "I'm okay," not a trace of tears or a need for mommy to kiss him.

At night, he says prayers on his own: "Dear God, Thank you for this day. Please watch over my family and friends. Please help me be a good little boy who listens and follows the rules. Please keep me safe while I sleep. Amen." Yes, we made it up together, but he owns it now. He has amazing faith. When I asked him who his best friend was, he said "Jesus." Amen.

Lucas has been daytime potty trained since July. He's doing great and hasn't had an accident in months. At night, he has always been hit or miss. He would go three and four days completely dry and then wake up one morning soaked in his pull up. Because our mornings are a frenzy, I've not even attempted to work on nighttime potty training with him. I've just put a pull up over his underwear every night for the last 5 months.

For nearly a month, Lucas has woken up completely dry every single morning. He wakes up and heads straight for the bathroom, completely unprompted. Still, I wasn't convinced.

On Thursday night, I was so exhausted that I forgot to put a pull up on him. I remembered in the middle of the night and just decided I'd clean up the mess after school. But there wasn't a mess, of course. And there wasn't one Friday morning or Saturday morning or this morning. Lucas hasn't worn a pull up in 3 nights. He's been dry for over a month.

I'd say it is official. Why does that make me weep so uncontrollably?

Because he's my baby gone. He's my toddler no more.

He is my "big" boy. My 3 year old. Such an amazing and bittersweet journey this has been.

Six Months Old

2011-11-02T14:52:00.003-04:00

Miss Caroline is 6 months old (10-29-11)! She is just as beautiful and sweet as ever and is so incredibly smart! She's learning new things and growing by the minute!

This month, Caroline began eating her veggies! She has had just about every vegetable they sell in jars and has already progressed nicely to Stage 2 foods. She seems to love carrots, peas, and green beans the best. Caroline is now taking 3 solid meals a day: breakfast= 3-4 tablespoons oatmeal with a stage 2 veggie mixed in, lunch= stage 2 veggie, dinner= 3-4 tablespoons oatmeal with a stage 2 veggie mixed in or a 2 and 1/2 stage Beechnut veggie. She LOVES her some solid food! She takes about 25 ounces of formula a day, as well give or take a few ounces. She has even tried some mashed bananas (wasn't really a fan), some sugar free applesauce (she that it was just okay) and some real finger foods- green beans (LOVE!), bread (LOVE!), smashed carrots (yum!). She has recently begun to eat some Mum Mums and boy does she love them. Her brother likes them, too!

Caroline has been having some sleep issues, but after her 6 month check up we might have gotten some of them resolved. She typically has a bottle between 7:30 and 8:00 and then goes to sleep for the night. About a month ago, she began waking up starting around 1:00 in the morning and continuing every 2 hours or so. She would cry, cough, squirm, and writhe as if she were in pain. Sometimes she'd take a bottle, but she often didn't want it. I decided maybe she was teething and waking up in pain. Maybe the drooling was causing her to cough. Whatever it was, it was difficult to survive on such little sleep! Mama was becoming a zombie!

I mentioned all of this at her check up and the doctor checked her ears really well and listened again to her chest. He said he could hear a deep cough, but it was not in her lungs (thank goodness)! When he looked in her ears, there was a ton of fluid and he cleaned out thick chunks of wet earwax (yum!). He said he would attribute her cough to the ridiculous up and down of our weather. He said he thinks she is waking at night because the drainage is making its way to her ears and she is experiencing painful pressure. He cleaned her ears out and gave us an antibiotic. He said she did not have an ear infection (yet) but if we left it untreated she would have one within a week. He gave us the okay to give her either Tylenol or Benadryl when she wakes up in the middle of the night to relive the pain.

The past few nights, I have propped a small pillow under her mattress so she is just slightly elevated and (holding my breath) she has slept through the night with the exception of one or two wake ups where a paci to the mouth was all she needed. We just filled her prescription (thanks to insurance/pharmacy drama) and we hope to get her on the antibiotic tonight. I haven't medicated her with Tylenol or Benadryl yet and I hope we don't have to, but it is nice to know that we can if needed.

As for milestones, Caroline is right on schedule (if not just a tiny bit ahead of the game). The doctor was impressed with all her capabilities. She is reaching and grabbing for everything in sight. She is picking up items and putting them in her mouth (we had a bit of an incident the other day with Caroline, Lucas, and a broom shaped sticker, thankfully all is well), smiling, talking, saying "dadadada," rolling around all over the place, lifting herself up high on her tummy, and sitting up for several minutes unassisted. Caroline turns towards sounds and voices and sometimes can recognize her name. She even stands (unassisted) while holding onto the ottoman for about 30 seconds. She is growing up so incredibly fast!

Caroline has really gotten into books this month. She loves holding them and looking at the pictures. She really tries to grab and turn the pages. She especially loves ones with mirrors or things to touch and feel. She will sit and listen to longer stories with Lucas, but she wants to be the one holding the book and so does Lucas. And so it begins...

Caroline loves sitting up and even standing. She really is over her bouncy seat, but loves sitting in her highchair, playing in her exeraucer and/or jumperoo, and jumping around in the doorway jumper. She is a mover and a shaker and it won't be long until she is all over the place!

She loves her brother and can't take her eyes off of him. She loves watching him, listening to him, and laughing at him. He is such a sweet brother and always takes the time to include her, talk to her, play with her, sing to her, and comfort her when she cries. She is one lucky girl! She will always stop whatever she is doing (eating, drinking a bottle, trying to go to sleep) and crane her neck to find Lucas if she even remotely hears him. It warms my heart to see them so sweet together!

We introduced water and a sippy cup to her. So far she uses it mostly for teething, but she is starting to grasp the concept. She loves sitting with us during dinner and just takes everything in. She will play with her toys contently while the rest of the family eats.

Caroline is a serious social butterfly. She is very curious about the world and is incredibly observant, but she jumps right in and explores. Her brother and mother are polar opposites in this regard. We like to observe from the sidelines and we won't jump in until we are completely comfortable (which often causes us to miss out on incredible experiences!). Caroline is a lot like her daddy in this sense! She loves to talk to everyone, she is always making eye contact, and she most definitely wants to be in the middle of the action. I can't wait to see how this little personality takes shape over the next few months (and years)!

Caroline is such a joy to our family. She is still very laid back. We can take her all kinds of places and half the time people don't even realize she is there. She is happy, loving, and so sweet.

We love our sweet Caroline to pieces! Happy 6 months, little girl!

If You're Going Through Hell

2011-10-24T21:14:00.003-04:00

There's a famous quote by Winston Churchill that says:

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

And a popular country song that essentially says the same thing.

The song came on the radio this afternoon as I drove home from school. A day I'd much prefer to forget. A day where I lost my shit and also had someone's chewed gum hurled at me in the 3 and a half seconds I wasn't looking.

Even in my "best" class today, my students' behavior angered me to the point that I shut down on them. I collected their papers, swiftly gave them all zeros, and sat in my desk trying desperately not to let them see the tear skirting at the corner of my eye.

You know it is a bad day when one of your most "favorite" students lets you down. When she came up to apologize to me after school, I looked her square in the eye and said, "You know what? I expect so much more from you. You sank down to the level of the pencil thrower and the kids who cuss me out. And you know what? That's exactly why teachers don't stick around this school for long. It's not that they can't handle it. It's because they don't want to and they shouldn't have to. You'll be sorry when I'm not here."

"But you are different! You won't leave." She pleaded. I just gave her my most disappointed look. She hurried on to catch her bus.

She has no idea what's coming in just a mere 8 weeks and I intend to keep it that way.

I am going through hell, that's for sure. It is my own version of hell, but I'm not alone. As I listened to the song, it dawned on me how incredibly selfish I've been. How trivial I've been. How my stupid little hell is nothing compared to true hells so many others are encountering.

I'm lucky because my hell has an end. It has days off in between. It has holidays to look forward to. It has sweet, slobbery greetings from two precious babies of my own. It has an ever supportive husband that is quick to hug, kiss, or gently rub my tired back. It has dreams and goals and a pretty awesome game plan. It has a warm home and stocked pantry.

Yes, it sucks from 7:30 to 2:30. Yes, there are emotional aftershocks every day. But it is all coming to a glorious end in 8 weeks. Those 8 weeks seem impossible and unbearable, but you better believe I'm going to just truck right on through.

If you're going through hell, I hope you'll do the same. And I'll pull my selfish head out of my selfish ass and pray for you!

Sweet Baby Girl

2011-10-21T20:56:00.002-04:00

My Days are Numbered

2011-10-20T20:23:00.003-04:00

Today might have been a day for the record books. The animals are indeed running the zoo and I can't wait to get the hell out of there.

I know I've mentioned before that I am in a very bad situation at work. The school is low performing, the students are disruptive, the administration is a joke. Recently, my family made the decision that this particular situation is so not worth it. In a mere 8 weeks (7 if you count the days off between now and then), I will be leaving the school and quite possibly the teaching profession indefinitely. No doubt weight has been lifted from my shoulders!

That doesn't mean that it is any easier to get through the school days. Well, okay, maybe a little easier. But even though my situation has changed, my students have not.

Today, my awful, dreadful, horrible, no good, very bad 2nd period came strutting in as they always do. When the bell rang, I did my best to wrangle them in as I always have to do. One student in particular was especially defiant. I asked her to be seated. "I need a pencil," she informed me as she walked to my desk, reached all the way across it, and grabbed one of my pencils.

"Aly, please put my pencil back. It is mine and you did not ask for permission to take it from my desk. Return to your seat and raise your hand." Was I mean? No. Was I "petty?" I don't know what the hell that means, but my kids sure think I am. All the time.

Aly could not leave well enough alone. She couldn't just go sit down and follow the protocol. Aly was pissed that I had the gall to have structured rules that I actually enforced. Aly went ape shit.

Aly walked up to me, looked me in the eye and said, "You know what I'm going to do with your pencil? I'm going to rip it in half."

Aly then ripped my pencil in half, threw it on the floor (mere inches from where I was standing), and hollered, "Fuck this."

Ordinarily, I would let a kid like that just go ahead and walk on out of class. I'd write them up later for it all. For Aly? Not a chance in hell. I asked her to go back to her seat and when she wouldn't, I used my cordless phone (best $14 I EVER spent), and dialed a number.

Aly could not control herself. Aly could not stop. "What? You're going to call my mom? For breaking a pencil? You are so petty."

Yes, I am aware that I am petty. I get called that 4785 a day. Yes, I am going to call your mom. who happens to work in the building. Oh, she didn't answer? Yes, I am going to call security.

Aly contemplated pushing me to get through the door as I was standing in front of it and wouldn't let her take the easy way out by leaving. I actually begged her (in my head) to do it. It would only get me out of that hellhole sooner.

Later in the period sans Aly, her mother decided to call me back. I stepped by my door to speak with her. "I had an incident with Aly."

"Yes, I am aware," she told me coldly. Ahh, so Aly got to you first. She got to tell you her side of the story. Somehow she was able to roam free in the halls after being removed from my classroom for disruptive behavior. Awesome.

Her mother proceeded to tell me that the reason Aly went ape shit on me was because I had the nerve to call her out in front of her friends. And also because I told her to sit her ass down.

"No ma am, I did not. I don't use that language, although my students do. What's that? There is "help for people like me?" Oh. Okay then. Thank you for your support as a colleague and as a parent. I can't imagine why teachers are dropping like flies at this school, myself included. Yes, of course I'll give Aly some make up work to do in ISAP. Okay, I will try not to embarrass Aly next time."

So let me recap: a lovely student stole a pencil from my desk, ripped it in half, threw it in my general vicinity, and used vulgar profanity to my face. Her lovely mother called me either mentally unstable or a bad teacher, I'm not sure.

Later, Aly came back and pounded on my door. I put my hand up and told her I did not want to speak with her. She hollered through the glass, "I'm supposed to tell you I'm sorry."

"You'll have to come back some other time, Aly. I don't want to talk to you right now."

"You are a fucking bitch and you are really pissing me off."

Likewise (was what I wanted to say). Nice apology (was what I wanted to say).

I said nothing because anything that would have come out of my mouth at that moment would have gotten me fired.

As if being cussed out and treated worse than dogshit by 16 year olds wasn't bad enough, here's the real kick to the nuts: Aly? Did not get suspended as the administration initially promised. Just a few measly days in ISAP. Her mother? I'm her newest victim. It is only a matter of time before she starts spreading filthy, vicious lies about me. True story. It happens all the time. And the school allows it.

December 16...can't come soon enough.

Fall Fun

2011-10-18T20:33:00.004-04:00

Lucas and his cousin Sawyer at the lake

Eating pumpkin marshmallow Smores

Backyard fun

Halloween at the zoo

Weekend #2 at the lake

This has been a weird season for us weather wise! Just about the time fall officially began, we had a cold spell with temperatures in the 50's and 60's. This lasted about 4 days. Since then, we've been having weather in the 80's. The other day it was actually 90 degrees- in October! Unheard of! We have certainly been enjoying this extra taste of "summer," but it feels so strange to see the leaves changing colors while still wearing shorts and short sleeves! The past several days have actually been downright gorgeous. They've been cooler and little more "fall" like but still unseasonably warm.

Over the past week, we have made a trip to the zoo for their halloween party. We've spent 2 weekends at the lake. We've gone for walks in the park. We've played on our swingset in the backyard.

I took a personal day today and my family of four headed to the pumpkin patch to carry on a tradition Mike and I started before we were married. Today? Rainy. Cold. 56 degrees. Go figure!

Little pumpkin! She wasn't very happy at that moment!

My two little pumpkins. This is the best picture we could get!

Lucas had a blast checking out all the pumpkins!

Weight Lifted

2011-10-12T19:51:00.006-04:00

Soooooo......

After much thought and deliberation; After many prayers; Many late night talks with Mike; Much wrestling with myself and my need to "please;" Much anxiety and guilt and feelings of failure; Some reading; Some reevaluating priorities and dreams and hopes and wishes; Some major budgeting and number crunching; Some talking with family and friends; Some kissing and loving on my beautiful babies and we finally came to a decision.

Effective December 16, I will be taking a leave of absence from my teaching position.

I've been hemming and hawing about this for quite sometime. I've never been comfortable being a working mom, but I did what I had to do for the sake of my family. In the process I found a way to make my dream of being a teacher come true. Like so many things, this dream I'd built in my head was nothing like the reality. Teaching is hard! Teaching in the school I'm at is even harder! Teaching in the school I'm at with two babies is even harder! Teaching in the school I'm at with two babies in a daycare I don't love is beyond difficult. Teaching in the school I'm at with two babies in a daycare I don't love and a husband working rotating shifts, 7 days a week, 12 hours a day is nearly impossible. I'm doing this for my kids, yes! But I'm also doing it for me.

After the events last Thursday, I had yet another breakdown- emotionally, physically, mentally. Mike hit a similar one. He finally admitted, "What's the point of both of us working ourselves to death so we can enjoy the "finer" things in life if we are not in fact enjoying those "finer" things?"

He admitted that we are spending over half my monthly paycheck in daycare, gas, eating out (because I'm so damn stressed and exhausted!), clothes, a health insurance premium so that I can be on his insurance (because I could get health insurance from my employer), and various other expenses we don't even realize.

We've gotten our debt back down to our mortgage. So without the truck payment, we'll only be short (in theory) 1/4 of my monthly paycheck.

To have a happier wife? To have less stress? To possibly have some meals on the table at night? And a semi clean house (compared to the disaster zone that it currently is)? To be home with the babies and keep them out of daycare? We both wholeheartedly agreed that it is worth every penny!

My biggest fear of "quitting" in the middle of the school year is the "stigma" that comes with it. I would hate to resign and then not ever be able to get a job in the district again. But because I am such a people pleaser and a non risk taker, I found a loophole! As I pondered my next move this past weekend, I vaguely remembered a conversation I had with the HR representative before I had Caroline. Out of some cob-webbed covered crevice of my brain, I could almost hear "child rearing leave," "if you decide not to come back," "good for two years."

Luckily, Monday was a teacher work day- no kids! Yesterday was conferences- sadly no kids again (and only 3 parents)! I was able to search more about the leave and consult the HR representative again.

The district offers a "child rearing" leave of absence. It is good for up to two years and allows you to stay at home with your pre-school aged children. When (and if) you are ready to return, the district will grant you a teaching position. Better yet, if you have another baby while on that leave, you get two additional years. The best news of all was that I could take the leave at any time during the year so long as I gave the principal 3-4 weeks notice.

Of course this is unpaid leave, but it such a peace of mind for me. You just never know what is going to happen in life. We might realize that we can't do this! I might realize that I actually want to go back. A twist of fate may force me back. Who knows! But better safe than sorry!

I confronted the chair of the English department first. As a mother of three (who stayed home while her babies were little), she completely understood and did not make me feel bad for my decision. Though she did make me feel validated in my brief teaching career. She told me that while it will be fairly easy to find a replacement, it will be terribly difficult to "replace" me. I talked with the AP that has always supported me most next. She offered more of the same- complete understanding and yet utter sadness.

My final hurdle was my principal. He is not my favorite person in the world. He is a military man and he and I are as far opposites as can be. He intimidates me. I took the department chair with me for moral support and together we explained to him my decision. It took him all of a minute to figure out where I was going with the whole, "my husband is working long and unpredictable hours, two babies at home..." I was so relieved that he was also completely understanding and supportive. He told me "life happens" and family should always come first. He also added, "Man, good teachers are so hard to find." He's not mushy or sentimental, but I knew he was giving me a compliment in his own way.

At the end of the day, I feel like so much has been lifted from my shoulders. I already feel the energy and life coming back to me. I rocked Miss Caroline to sleep tonight and held her for what felt like the first time. I soaked up her innocence and beauty in a way that I honestly haven't done since I've gone back to work. I played the "counting bears" game with Lucas and we put together the choo choo train puzzle. We sang 2 extra songs before bed.

I realize I face new challenges, but I can't help the smile that keeps coming to my face. I'm ready for this new journey and phase of life. I don't know how long it will last, but rest assured I will savor every second.

Enlightened

2011-10-10T19:58:00.006-04:00

It is no surprise that I am struggling with my work situation. I know I've talked aimlessly about listening to God's plan for me, but I'm starting to realize that I'm not a very good listener. I've asked for "signs" to help it become clear to me what I should do with my life. What is God to do when He gives me sign after sign after sign and I ignore them?

Thursday evening, I was smacked in the face with yet another "sign." This one wasn't so easy to ignore. This one wasn't so easy to wave off as "guilt" or "fear" or "uncertainty."

One of my students from last year was shot dead in broad daylight in a park downtown on Thursday afternoon. He was shot in the face and then shot five more times right next to the playground- where children were playing. Granted, the park is in one of the city's most dangerous areas, but still!?!

I had actually gotten out of the house with my friend to see The Help. I read the book over the summer and due to our crazy life had not gotten to see the movie. My mom has started coming over on Thursdays to help me with the kids so I can do schoolwork. I asked if she'd watch them while I went to a movie instead this time. Of course she said yes!

When the (awesome, amazing, perfect) movie was over, my friend checked her phone. She read out loud that someone had been killed in a park earlier. We both thought it was strange, but we parted ways and headed home. While I drove home, I thought about how much I hate hearing any news of someone dying. I always hope that my family members are okay and then I worry about the person's family. As I got closer to my house, I started to feel the hair on my arms prickle. Call it a sixth sense, but I felt the urge to go check out the story.

When I read the name of the boy, my heart fell into my stomach. A few minutes to take in the details made it clear that it had to be the kid in my class last year.

The kid in my class that called me a bitch to my face. The kid in my class that disrespected me and every other woman in class. The kid that looked at girls and talked to them the way no man should. The kid that threatened to shoot and kill one of my other students. The kid that told me he didn't "fucking care" if I wrote him a referral because he had more citations than I could count. The kid that also told me that the administration didn't give a "fuck" if I wrote a referral on him because he sat and watched one of the Assistant Principals tear one of my referrals on him up and throw it in the trash. (I'm not sure if that was true or not, but rumor has it he wasn't far from the truth.)

The kid that got up in the middle of class without permission. When asked to return to his seat, would say to me, "Shut up" or "Don't talk to me." When I threatened to call home to his grandmother, he said, "Go ahead, my grandma doesn't care about you or what you have to say." He was telling the truth.

The kid that caused one of the worst fights I have ever seen between two girls, no less. They slammed each other against lockers and when one of them landed on the floor, the other kids started kicked and mocked her.

The kid that while I was being observed for my certification last year, not only back-talked me and showed complete disrespect to me during the lesson, also cussed out the evaluator.

The kid that (when actually present in class) could change the entire class for the worse. When he was absent, the period was smooth sailing. When he was there, it was chaotic and out of control.

The kid that got kicked out of the school where I teach (which is already the "last chance saloon") and got sent to the absolute no turning back "last, last chance saloon."

Yeah. So do you think I was surprised to hear his name on the news? Not really. I predicted this. Maybe not him exactly, but he was one that was always in mind. I've always said I can see their futures. I've always said one of these kids was going to talk that way to someone in the "real" world and either end up dead or behind bars.

That doesn't mean my heart hurts any less. I am so incredibly sad for a life cut short, just 17 years. My heart is heavy for his family and friends. I just wish he (and so many others) would listen to me and realize that I do care. I want what is best for them. I want them to succeed and overcome and change for the better. I want them to live happy lives. I want them to turn away from violence. I want them to find a better path. But they don't listen. They won't listen.

Many of my current students are close friends with this kid. What could have just been a tragedy has hit entirely too close to home. There are kids in my school who are involved. There are kids in my school who were there. There are kids in my school who know what went down. There are kids in my school who know the truth.

Sadly, the investigation is on-going. There are no leads. It could potentially be "unsolved." Why? Because the kids I deal with and try to teach would never "snitch." True story.

We were on a Level 3 alert on Friday. We could not send kids out in the hall without a security escort. No one (on the administrative side) made any mention of what happened the night before, but it was clear something was not right with our world.

All this got me thinking. Not only am I struggling and swimming against the current. Not only do I have mountains of paperwork I can't keep up with. Not only do I have administrators telling me that the only person to blame when kids fail or fall asleep or misbehave is myself. Not only do I get cussed out hourly. Not only do I deal with disrespect and back-talk and kids who fail and fall asleep and misbehave. But I am putting my safety on the line every day I go there.

And guess what I realized??? It isn't worth it.

I have babies that need me. I have a husband that needs me. I have a house that most desperately needs me.

The sweet addition to our family wasn't enough. The gut-wrenching emotions as I headed back to work weren't enough. The displeasure and concerns with their daycare wasn't enough. The bullshit paperwork at school wasn't enough. The heart-racing anxiety I experience every night before school wasn't enough. The look in my babies' eyes wasn't enough. The verbal abuse wasn't enough. The intimidation by administration wasn't enough. The feeling like I've got a million loose ends wasn't enough. The fact that I'm the primary caregiver to our children because of Mike's wacky work schedule wasn't enough. Mike's 7 days a week/12 hours a day work schedule wasn't enough.

I couldn't see all those signs out of selfishness. And greed. And uncertainty. And fear. And a million other feelings and emotions I can't explain. It is all I've known- to work. It is all I've ever wanted- to teach.

When I cried to my sister this weekend, I said things like "ashamed of quitting," "can't hack it," "failure." She told me that I am not myself and haven't been since I took this job. She asked me if I wanted to quit because I couldn't do it or because I wasn't taking care of myself and my family the way we all need to be taken care of.

That punched me in the gut. And hit home. And made everything make complete and utter sense.

My mind is ever more clear. I know exactly what I have to do.

To be continued...

Steve- The Friendly Ghost?

2011-10-05T20:26:00.002-04:00

I am in love with Lucas's imagination right now! It is in full force and I couldn't be more proud. Honestly, above all other things, I hoped my children would have great imaginations. Why? Because when you have an imagination, you can entertain yourself! Even more, children with active imaginations cope well, are good problem solvers, become creative thinkers, do well in school, and learn to play cooperatively.

When I was a kid, I didn't live by kids my age and my sister was 10 years older. My mom didn't let me sit in front of the TV. She didn't let me snack on junk. She practically pushed me out the door some days. Other days she forced me to the basement (where my playroom was). She did not entertain me. She didn't play games with me.

So what did I do with my time? I played! I created! I imagined! I did crafts and drew horrible pictures (an artist I was not). I wrote stories! I read books. I had a bazillion imaginary friends. I played school with stuffed animals for students. I played doctor with imaginary patients. I climbed trees. I played house. I rode my bike for hours on end. I did cartwheels in the yard. I danced around to New Kids on the Block. I made up my own songs and dances. I had a blast!

So when Lucas began talking about a "friend" we couldn't see several months ago, we encouraged it. When we came home from the lake this summer and he was still raring to be there, we pretended our living room was the lake- we swam, went fishing, jumped off the dock, did cannonballs, and drove around in a boat. We've played "kitchen" and "house" and "hideout." When I lifted him up on my legs playing airplane, I encouraged him to tell me what he saw- the lake, a farm, Disney World. He is fully convinced at this moment that there are alligators in the basement and that cows come into his room at night and lick his hair (all because daddy didn't want to take him to the basement to play one night and told him he had a cowlick one morning).

He'll open the basement door and say, "Look at those alligators. Shhhh! The baby alligators are sleeping." Then he'll tiptoe around and put his finger to his lips to be quiet. He peeks into his room and counts all the cows.

We don't talk about scary things at our house, but recently he's been learning words like "ghost" and "scary" and "bad guy." 'Tis the season. I'm assuming he's hearing things from school. Regardless, he has developed a sudden fascination with seeing ghosts. I'm 99.9% sure he's just using his amazing imagination, but the other .1% is flipping out over here!

The other day he said, "Oh, look mom, there's a ghost over there." I said, "Oh really? What's his name?" He said, Steve. I laughed because that's what Mike names everything. I relaxed a little and chalked it up to the time of year. Well, two nights ago, we were heading upstairs for bed. The lights were off and it was getting dark, but we could still see. Lucas stopped in his tracks, jumped a little and said, "There are ghosts up there." I said, "No, there aren't any ghosts upstairs, Lucas." And he said, "Yes there are. There are three of them."

Okay, I know I'm the mom and all, but I was really scared! I HATE haunted houses (the fun ones) so I would probably pee myself in a real one. Like I said, I know he's pretending, but he's damn good at it!

Since then he's talked nonstop about the ghosts. I've asked him lots of questions and so far he's been able to give me answers, but nothing that would make me think they are for real. I don't know if you believe in ghosts, but I do. While we live in a new house and the likelihood of our house being haunted is pretty slim, I still think there are some possible souls searching for peace. In fact, I would go so far as to say my cousin Matthew (who died last November) is one of them. I also know that ghosts often communicate with children because they are more likely to believe what they see. So I'm not ruling out reality here and I'm a little spooked! When I told Mike about these incidents, he admitted that he was spooked, too. He said he and Lucas were rolling a ball back and forth and Lucas kept insisting that they include "Steve, the ghost."

He's pretty adamant that the main ghost (we're back to just one ghost now) is named Steve. That convinces me that his sweet little imagination is just soaring to great heights. I know it is Halloween time and I know he's just hearing things from other people. I know! And I love that he really sees and believes with his whole little being!

I have great hope for this child of mine! I just hope it is only his imagination! I will breathe a little easier when Halloween is over!!

Just the Way It Is

2011-10-04T18:26:00.007-04:00

The tradition I began during Lucas's first year was to take his picture in the rocking chair in the nursery each month. Of course I continued the tradition with Caroline. I love this little thing I did for them and I hope they do, too. During Caroline's 5 month photo shoot, she was just not having it. Like I said before, she is super sweet as can be, but lately she has been having some fussy spells. She'd just had dinner and a bath so I thought we'd be good, but she was tired and cranky. I took 2 dozen pictures and only ended up with one decent one. She was wiggly and writhing and fussing the entire time. When I looked through the pictures, I was pretty disappointed with my prospects for her official "5 Month" shot. I debated having some retakes when it dawned on me, "Hey! It's totally okay if the pictures aren't perfect!" I really needed a reality check and to cut myself and my sweet girl some slack.

I've been pretty high-strung lately and I'm not sure if I was compensating for that or just trying to preserve the "good" times right now as they are sort of few and far between (not at ALL because of my children but because of my job and the circumstance we are in right now). Whatever the reason, I was trying to get something that doesn't exist: perfection.

Finally, I chose the one "decent" shot for her photo and moved on. Now that I take a deeper look, I realize it is absolutely perfect. Her personality and stage of life are captured beautifully.

When I went back to see Lucas's 5 month photos, I laughed a little and then burst into tears. Clearly, I was in such a better place mentally then. All I was able to get from him were 4 mediocre pictures (from a photography standpoint) that were heartwarmingly wonderful (from his mama's perspective).

Life isn't all about posed and perfect photos. No, it is all about living and enjoying the now- in its sweet, slobbery, silly, blurry, gone to fast imperfectness! I swear, my children help me learn so many things about myself and this wonderful life we've been given!

5 Months Old!

2011-10-02T15:00:00.001-04:00

Miss Caroline Elizabeth turned 5 months old on Thursday! We had another wonderful, sweet month with our little girl.

Caroline has really started to find her "voice" this month. She squeals and talks up a storm. One afternoon while I was cooking dinner, I kept trying to figure out where cats were meowing when I realized it was Caroline. She smiles all the time and is such a little social butterfly, too.

Caroline started rice cereal and oatmeal this month. She had a really hard time at first, but she is a pro now. She opens up wide and gobbles it down fast! To encourage her (and with the doctor's okay), I added vegetables to her cereal. It really helped her figure things out. So far she's had squash, sweet potatoes, and as of Thursday carrots. She really likes the squash and LOVES the carrots. She eats the sweet potatoes, but doesn't seem to gobble them down as much as the other two. She takes between 5 and 6 ounces of formula every 3-4 hours. Although at daycare they sort of feed her "on demand" which drives me crazy. She isn't getting more formula than she should or anything but they've really encouraged the bad habit of having half a bottle now and the other half later. We don't encourage that at home and so far she's adjusted fine to having two different schedules. She will start having cereal in the mornings at daycare starting Monday which will hopefully help out with her feeding schedule there.

Caroline has enjoyed the exersaucer and doorway jumper this month. She really loves being in the upright position and has even taken an interest in the toys attached to the exersaucer. Every now and then she'll bounce around in the doorway jumper. She has really started to bat at and even grab toys above her. She especially loves looking in mirrors. She's taken a bigger interest in books this month, too. She can roll over from tummy to back and from back to tummy. She can even sit unassisted for like half a second.

Her eyes never leave her brother if he is anywhere near. They have really started to interact and they even laugh at each other. It has been such a joy to watch them "play" together. Lucas has really loved introducing Caroline to his longtime favorite toy "Leap." Caroline is equally fascinated with the toy. She loves to stare at him and listen to him sing. Her eyes get really big when he starts singing. We retired the swing to the basement this month. While she'd sit in it every now and then, she really didn't use it that much. We made way for more toys like the exersaucer and jumperoo.

Caroline doesn't have a daytime nap schedule per se, but she does nap pretty well throughout the day. We will probably start working on more of a routine over the next few months. As for night, we typically feed her cereal around 5:30 and she plays for about an hour. We do baths every other night so she'll get a bath or go straight to jammies after dinner. Sometimes at that point she's ready for her last bottle (around 7:30) and sometimes she's already fallen asleep. I can never decide whether or not to wake her up to feed her. Either way she usually wakes up about 4:00 in the morning. If she's had a nighttime bottle, I can hold her off until 5:00, but if I didn't feed her that last bottle, she can't wait (and who can blame her). It is so unusual for me to be so "loosey goosey" as far as routine, but with the craziness of life right now I just sort of have to "go with it." Again, I'm hoping to start more of a "routine" in the coming months. We swaddle her at night and I am pretty reluctant to break her of it. She sleeps way better when she's swaddled. Although she has really started to break her way out most nights. I think I keep swaddling her as a safety net for myself!

I can't say enough how easy and happy Caroline is most of the time. Lately, however, she's started having little fussy spells that sort of come out of nowhere. It is kind of overwhelming for me because she's never really fussed that much before so I'm usually at a loss as to what to do. All of her basic needs- bottle, diaper, change of scenery, nap have been met and she's still fussy. She isn't a big cuddler so she usually fights me snuggling her close to me. She's been really gnawing away on her hands and drooling profusely so I'm kind of thinking she might be in the early stages of teething. I don't feel anything on her gums, but it is really the only thing I can come up with. Still, these spells don't last long as she's back to her adorable, laid back, happy little self in no time.

She is really just moving right along. I am amazed that she is already 5 months old and with the holidays coming up time is really going to start flying by. I am so excited to watch her grow right now especially because some of the cutest milestones are right around the corner- sitting up, eating more "real" solids, creeping, crawling, cruising, sippy cups, maybe even walking! She is such a beautiful light in our little world and we are so in love with her!

Happy 5 months sweet Caroline!

MOMS

2011-09-28T19:39:00.002-04:00

My church offers a neat ministry to mothers and I am so excited to take part in it this year. There is a group called "MOMS" and it stands for Ministry of Mothers Sharing. It is not a playgroup or mommy and me. It is an 8 week session for moms (any and all) to come together in fellowship, to grow in faith, and to learn how to raise our children as Christian mothers. I actually started it last year, but I dropped out after the 2nd session. I had too much on my plate.

I certainly have just as much (if not more) on my plate this year, but I got an e-mail from a woman at church asking if I would consider participating. They needed one more person to sign up or they would have to cancel the session for this year. I took it as a sign from God that the time is now.

It is neat because there isn't one type of "mom" there. In my group, there are 6 women going through the session and 3 facilitators. We range in age from 27-50. Some of us have young children, some have older children. There are women raising their children in the Catholic faith alone (without the help of their husbands), there is a woman recently divorced with two school aged children. There are several of us who are cradle Catholics (as in we were baptized as babies in the faith and grew up Catholic), married to cradle Catholics, raising cradle Catholics. There is a woman whose family has just moved across the country and joined our parish. One of the facilitators,one of the other participants, and I all just figured out we live in the same neighborhood.

We have a book we read at home and we discuss various topics together each week. The topics touch on aspects of motherhood and faith. We begin the evening in prayer and end in prayer. One of the things I love most about it is that we each draw a name every week of a specific group member to pray for. I love knowing that someone is praying for me by name and I am doing the same for someone else. I like that it is a smaller group because it has forced me to be open and to share with the group- I can't hide! We get so much more out of things when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

Though my mental, physical, and emotional state are in disarray, this class has helped me center myself and find some peace. I hate Sunday nights with a passion. I start getting anxiety about the new week around dinnertime each Sunday. My heart starts racing and I start panicking about all the aspects of school that stress me out. Coincidentally, the MOMS group begins at 6:00 on Sunday evenings. I am so much more peaceful during the evening hours when I'm in this session. Even though I still get antsy before bed and when morning comes I'm a wreck, I'm a little more at ease after attending MOMS.

Ironically, this past session was titled "Stress, Anxiety, and Worry." Mike asked me if I taught the class. Ha! While I didn't teach it, I did allow myself to share waaay more than I normally would share in a setting like that. The class has a combination of working moms and moms at home and I got so much support from all around. Everyone seemed to understand and relate to my place in life.

As part of the chapter, we had to take an assessment that helped us visualize our physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual well being. We were asked to determine our lowest scores and make some resolutions within that area for the week. My lowest score was in "intellectual development." The area within that section I scored lowest on was "I have the ability to set aside a problem to enjoy myself." When I read that, it was like being socked in the stomach.

At the end of the session, we had to identify our area for growth and make a resolution. So I decided to find simple things each day this week to enjoy. While the week has been ridiculous and stressful beyond belief, I have found some simple enjoyment.

Monday- Lucas and I played Memory together. I recently bought this game for him and we tried it out for the first time. He has a little trouble with the directions (as any not quite 3 year old would) but he is a champ at finding those matches.

Tuesday- Rocked Caroline to sleep

Wednesday- Got myself a chocolate Frosty from Wendy's on the way home from school. Watched old videos of Lucas when he was a baby with Caroline and Lucas on my lap. It is shocking how much they look alike as babies!

I'm not sure what will happen tomorrow, but Friday will be AMAZING because we are out of school! It is a much needed day off!!

I definitely have something exciting and enjoyable coming up this weekend, but I'll save that for another post! My husband DEFINITELY earns "best husband ever" for it though!!!

The Reason for My Breakdown

2011-09-24T15:13:00.003-04:00

If you haven't read the post below, start there. Obviously I have a lot on my plate. But the real reason I broke down is because it is clear to me that I don't belong in the current situation I am in. I already knew that- what with the 50 times a day I a get "f" yous and called a bitch. However, that night I also watched the following video.

This is a recruitment video for the high school that I attended. It is an all girls Catholic high school and it is the place that truly defined me and shaped me into the woman I am today. I gained a spiritual faith, yes, but I was also empowered by my teachers. I could be anything I wanted to be. There was nothing I couldn't do. This video not only summed up exactly what Assumption is to me and the thousands of other girls lucky enough to cross that threshold, it reminded me that there are beautiful young girls out there that want me to help them and empower them. I used to say that those girls didn't need me, that they would be just fine with any teacher lucky enough to teach at that school. Perhaps that is is still the case. But I'm starting to realize that maybe I need them.

I am so proud of these girls and proud of that school. I am so proud to be a member of this amazing community. One day, maybe I will actually teach there.

I'm Giving it all to God

2011-09-23T23:06:00.004-04:00

I took a mental health day today. My sanity is hanging by a miniscule thread and so I decided that I am going to take every one of my sick and personal days this year even if I am not actually sick or tending to sick babies.

I slept in. My babies slept in. When we all woke up- happy and well rested, I fed them both and I drove them across town to school. I said mental health day not hang with my kids day. I didn't feel one shred of guilt dropping them off so I could have some much needed "me" time.

Mike has not had a day off the entire month of September. Yes, that is including weekends. While I can appreciate the fact that he is whooped, that actually means that I have not had a day off either. As in, I've been the sole care provider for our children on the weekends and weeknights while also working full time. I am whooped, too.

A few more things have happened at my school that have left me literally shaking in anger, frustration, and even fear.

Last night I laid in my bed, eyes wide open. Even though I knew I didn't have to wake up early and deal with everything that goes with my godawful job, I couldn't sleep. My mind was swirling and racing and swimming. My heart was pounding through my chest. My fingers and toes were tingling. I have never suffered a mental/emotional breakdown, but if I had to guess, I'd say I was pretty damn close to one last night.

Besides the stress and mental/physical/emotional exhaustion from my job, my problem is that I get crazy caught up on planning my life. I like to be one step ahead of myself, if that makes any sense. I've definitely made the decision not to return to this school next year. Instead of just soaking in the glory of that, I have to stress myself out over "what comes next."

Am I going to transfer? Am I going to try to get a job in the Catholic school system? Am I going to quit and stay home? Am I going to try to find a part time job? What will I do with my kids if I transfer? What will I do with them if I switch to the Catholic schools? What will I do with Lucas for preschool if I decide to stay home? When should we have our third baby so that he/she doesn't interfere with all of the above? Or could we go ahead and try for #3 so that would take care of all of the above. Of course, I'd stay home with another one on the way, but is that what I want truly? Am I ready for another baby already? Or is that my crutch so that I don't have to really make a true decision.

See what I meant? Are you stressed out, yet?

When Mike got home from work at 1:00 in the morning {I am SO freaking tired of trying to figure out his crazy ass schedule}, he was surprised to find me wide awake. He was excited to see me awake as we hadn't seen each other all week because he worked from 3-12 so by the time we got home he was gone and by the time he got home we were all asleep. He quickly realized there was something wrong with me.

At first, he was sweet to me. And then I snapped at him out of frustration and exhaustion. Naturally, he snapped back. Luckily it didn't end there. He allowed me to vent, to cry, to ask all my crazy questions. Finally, he said, "You are stressing yourself out about things that don't matter right now." And as he's told me before, he added, "You'll never get this day back."

I cried myself to sleep, but when I woke up, I was nearly healed.

Somewhere in the course of the night- in between dreaming and thinking and talking, I made some realizations and resolutions.

First, I remembered Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I truly believe God placed those words within my heart last night because when I woke up, they were my very first thought. I've been praying for an answer for so long and I finally listened to what He was telling me. He's always provided for me, He's always opened doors for me, always helped me with my "next steps." When the time comes, He'll be there for me again, no doubt.

One of my colleagues that is about my age, started the same time I did, and teaches English with me, is always saying "Don't even worry about it." When I was freaking out about the sick day I had to take two weeks ago, I called her to see if she could make some copies for my sub. Of course she did that for me and when I thanked her she said, 'Don't even worry about it." She says that about the kids, the paperwork, everything. So I'm going to adopt her motto. I'm just not even going to worry about my future or what happens during the school day.

That leads me to my final resolution. Mike and I have always had this "thing" where we take our closed fist, raise it in the air and then open up our hand and say "Let it go." It has been our mantra through all kinds of stress and chaos of jobs, family, life. So, even when a kids calls me a bitch, I'm going to let it go. Even when I get belittled by my principal, I'm going to let it go. If I can't do anything about it, I'm going to let it go.

I know this is an experience I had to have. I have dreamed of being a teacher since I was a very little girl. I would have regretted it so much if I never tried. I'm so glad that I tried. In the end, I've realized that I'm not cut out for the job, at least I'm not cut out for it in the situation that I am in.

I'm not going to worry about tomorrow or next June. I'm going to love up on the three people in my life that mean the world to me and I'm going to let everything else go.

Today, I went and got my hair highlighted and did some retail therapy. I even went to the tanning bed (I know, shame on me). It felt amazing to spend 6 hours doing whatever the hell I wanted to do. It also felt great to smile, to let the chilly fall sun shine on my face. It felt even better to scoop my babies up from school and spend time with them tonight. It felt good to be so relaxed that I could goof off and giggle and cuddle and play with my children.

And, I'll be waiting up again for my sweet, wonderful, supportive husband again tonight. Except this time, just 24 hours later, I'm in such a better place.

As far as that 3rd child? We desperately want another one. We can't wait to have another one. And just like all the other things I'm giving over to God, I'm giving this one to Him, too.

I can't even begin to describe what a relief and a release it is to give up some control.

Back in the Running

2011-09-21T20:32:00.002-04:00

After my first half marathon- April 2010

About 4 months after I had Lucas and about 1 month after returning to work, I hit a serious slump. I was unhappy with just about everything in my life. I hated that I had to work. Even more, I hated the fact that I couldn't fit into my pre-baby work clothes. I dropped the weight fairly quickly and everyone commented on how wonderful I looked, but my body was just not the same.

Slipping slowly into a sea of depression, I knew I had to do something and quick. I jumped on the "30 Day Shred" bandwagon and began to see immediate results-not in my body, but in my mind and my spirit. Much as I wanted to slap Jillian Michaels across the face during the Shred, I wanted to hug her after the fact when I was high on endorphins.

I loved the Shred, but it wasn't enough for me to lose the flabbiness and those last few stubborn pounds. I started running a mile on the treadmill after doing the Shred. With this powerful combination, I really watched my body change for the better.

As per usual, I got bored with the Shred after completing one full round of "30 days." I began to run longer distances on the treadmill to replace the video and realized it felt great. I nearly peed myself when I ran my first 5K (on the treadmill). I spent that summer and fall running for my own delight. I honestly never ran more than about 3 miles, but it felt amazing to me (for the most part).

Last February (2010), my sister convinced me to run a 5K with her. I was reluctant at first, but with the support of my sister and Mike, I decided to do it. I don't know why it was such a big deal for me- physically I was definitely prepared, but emotionally I was not. At the last mile, I completely shut the world around me out. I refused to talk to my sister. I refused to check out the sights. It was just me and the road in front of me. When I crossed the finish line, I was an emotional train wreck. I never claimed to be a runner and I certainly never dreamed of running a 5K. It was almost too much to handle.

Later that spring, I ran a 10K race, as well. When the race was over I felt so great I agreed to run a half with my sister at the end of April. If I thought I was an emotional mess after the 5K, running 13.1 miles would nearly put me over the edge. But I did it! And of course I balled my eyes out as I crossed the finish line.

While I was pregnant with Caroline, I ran a little. I even managed to run a 5K, but I have definitely fallen off the wagon.

Here I am again. Caroline is 4 months (almost 5 months) old. I've been back to work for 7 weeks. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated. I hate the fact that I have to work. Even more I hate the fact that I can't fit into my pre-Caroline clothes.

Last month I ran a 5K with my dad and sister. The run was through a gorgeous park in town with 3.1 miles of hill after hill. For not having been training, I did pretty damn good. Much to my surprise my emotions ran wild as I crossed the line. There's something about a finish line that just makes me cry.

Running has been an amazing experience for me. It has been torture. It has tested me in mind, body, and emotions. It has given me many miles and hours alone with my thoughts. It has made me stronger in so many different ways. It has helped me gain a richer spirituality and forced me to take better care of myself.

I've signed up for a half marathon in November. I'm back in the running. I'm ready to race. I hope this journey will help me find some peace that I so desperately need.

CARDS

2011-09-17T23:13:00.004-04:00

Today was the BIG college rivalry game for our state- UofL vs UK. I have pretty much been a UofL fan my entire life. My dad has always loved UofL and has worked there for 25 years. I attended school there and had such a wonderful time tailgating for the games. I was lucky that Mike was also a UofL fan when we met. It's a lot easier than having a house divided!

I went through a brief (as in one Kentucky basketball season), dark time in my life when I cheered for UK. Actually, I'm kidding. While UK is NOT my first choice, I do cheer for them when they are NOT playing UofL. I'm not one of those fans who cheers against them. I love my state and want to support as much as I can! Mike actually grew up a UK fan. His parents have bled blue since he was born. Mike still goes for UK, but he loves UofL too. He says that when he went to UofL (and paid for it out of his own pocket) he gained a fierce loyalty to his alma mater.

I support the man 100% and couldn't agree with him more. His family calls him Mike "Pitino."

We went to my mom's house for a party where the house was divided pretty evenly, though red shirts may have been slightly more prevalent. Mike's mom was a good sport about it and came to the party in her CATS shirt.

I have to be honest. While I love my Cardinals, I am just not a football girl. Talk to me at basketball season and I'll be singing a different tune, but football just kind of bores me to tears. Unless of course, I am tailgating at said football game- that's a different story!

Mike was at work, but the kids and I had a good time hanging out with our family. It was also my dad's birthday so he got the best present ever- a UofL win!

We've been teaching Lucas "Go CARDS!" for quite some time now. He knows the Cardinal bird and knows to cheer for the red color team. He also knows the blue team is "Grammy's CATS!"

Last night while we were out to dinner I decided to run in to the store and get Lucas a new UofL t-shirt to wear to the party. When I showed it to him, he started jumping up and down yelling, "Yayyy! Those are my flashcards!" I think he was a little confused!! He quickly remembered to yell "Go CARDS" during the game, though! He's such a cutie!

Sweetest fan ever!

Cousin Hunter bleeds blue!

We still love Grammy even if she cheers for UK!

New Things

2011-09-14T21:12:00.007-04:00

We've got lots of new and exciting things going on lately!

While I've been exhausted when I get home, I try to let that go and enjoy the time with my babies.

Recently, we pulled out the Excersaucer. Caroline is loving being upright and discovering the new toys. Lucas has also loved rediscovering his old toy. This Exersaucer has definitely seen better days. I think it has been through like 8 or 9 different children. Mike kind of laughed about it the other day, but really? It is perfectly fine. It has been sanitized. We don't leave her in it very long. She is having a blast (and so is Lucas)!

Caroline started cereal about 2 weeks ago. She is still figuring it out, but is getting better with it each day. We just do about 2 tablespoons of cereal mixed with 4-5 tablespoons of formula. The other night (after the doctor's ok) I put in a dab of sweet potatoes. The first night she seemed to love it but the next night...not so much. She does seem to be content for longer through the night now that she's been eating it!

We brought the highchair back up last night. She's still on the small side, but she really enjoys being upright so she enjoys sitting it. I have it reclined a tiny bit and she is just loving life sitting in it! She looks so tiny. It is hard to believe that she's able to fit in it already!

Finally, I brought out our good buddy Leap. Leap was Lucas's FAVORITE toy starting from about 4 months and all the way up until I put him away when Lucas was about 18 months. Leap sings the ABC's and can hang from the carseat. My nephew Sawyer passed this toy on to Lucas when he outgrew it. When Lucas saw Leap in my hand he shouted for joy, "That's my favorite toy Leap. My cousin Sawyer gave it to me."

Leap must have made a huge impression on Lucas for him to remember that after all these months. He's had a great time showing Caroline all that Leap has to offer. He has been a good sport about letting Caroline play with him, too. He's such a sweet little thing! Caroline has fallen in love with Leap, too. She thinks he's funny and she loves looking at him. Sometimes she even talks to him. Her eyes get really big when he starts to sing. I searched high and low for Lily (the girl version) but apparently they stopped making these toys. Bummer.

Caroline has discovered her hand and her thumb. She loves sucking on both. She has started to stare at her hand like it is the most awesome thing ever. To her it probably is! She's started to get more interested in toys and books. She loves grasping on to things and every now and then will bat at toys above her. She is this close to rolling over from back to tummy.

She is such a happy, happy girl. I can't believe she's so happy all the time. And so full of life. It is hard not to giggle and laugh and love life with her around!

School Stuff

2011-09-14T20:38:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm still surviving...day by day.

I've officially made the decision to hang in there the best I can for the rest of the school year. I've also made the official decision that I will not be returning to this school next year. What is my plan? I'm not 100% sure. But it is comforting to know that every day I am there is one day closer to getting out of that hellhole! I've actually starting crossing off the days!

I have a "mentor teacher" that I observed during my master's program that is at another high school in the district. She is one of my most favorite people in the world and definitely one of the best teachers I know. We have stayed in touch since I observed her and she has been the greatest source of help and inspiration for me. She believes in me and makes me feel better. I spoke with her on the phone last night and she begged me to give teaching "one more year." She says that I have not gotten a chance to actually teach.

Together we discussed some other schools within the district that I could possibly transfer to next year. Our district as a whole is in trouble. There are many failing schools. The student assignment plan is insane and so every school in the district deals with a small percentage of the "rough" population. However, the school I am at right now is literally the WORST high school in the district. No joke! We have the lowest everything- poverty levels, test scores, parental involvement, attendance rates, etc.

My mentor (and friend) believes that if I go to another school that even though I'll still have some of the disruptive, non-compliant, disrespectful students, I'll also have kids that are college bound or at least care about getting a high school diploma. Transferring in this district is a tricky thing, though, so I wanted to get her advice.

The process begins around March. First I have to give written notice to my principal (who is not supportive whatsoever and will then make my life hell). Then, I complete the application. I list the schools I would be willing to transfer to. I have to be VERY careful not to put any school that I wouldn't want to work at on the list. Interviews could start as early as April. I could know something by May or June, but it could be as late as the end of July/early August. The first school that calls to offer me the job (if I get one) is the school I HAVE to accept the job from. I can't wait around for another offer. So I have to be sure. But, I will not be transferred to a school that isn't on my list.

If I don't get a transfer, I would have to stay at my current school. So if I don't get a transfer, I will be leaving the profession altogether. There is NO WAY IN HELL I will come back.

My mentor and I decided on 3 schools to put on my list. Two of the schools have also been through the state audit, but this is their first "turnaround" year. I feel pretty confident that they will lose some of their teachers who don't want to put up with the paperwork bullshit. My mentor knows the principal and assistant principal at one school. She used to work at the other school and knows the entire English department. She feels that both schools would be a great fit for me. Of course, my third choice (or really FIRST choice) would be the school she teaches at. I would LOVE to work with her! All three schools are much closer to my house and are in areas of town that I am completely comfortable with as I grew up around them! My commute would drop from 40 miles each way (and 45 minutes each way) to between 15-20 minutes each way!

I'm not sold on the idea, but I'm thinking about it. I do feel like I'd should give it a shot at another school just to "see." If I'm still overwhelmed and miserable then I'll know. The other part of me is just so frustrated and guilt ridden (as a mommy) that I'm just ready to throw in the towel.

I guess I have several more months to think about it, pray about it, and hash it out. Only time will tell.

Until then, when my nasty kids in 2nd period taunt me and try to make me cry, I smile at them because a.) I can see their future and it ain't pretty and b.) I can see my future and it is far, far, away from them and kids like them!

9/11... Never Forget

2011-09-11T09:11:00.002-04:00

Just like any American that was alive on 9/11 and old enough to understand its significance, I will never forget where I was, what I was doing, how I felt. Each year as September 11 comes around it is easy to get wrapped up in the same grief and heartache. My husband and I have had the exact same conversation 6 different times on this day. He tells me his story. I tell him mine. We didn't know each other then and wouldn't even meet until 4 years later. But telling the who, what, when, where, why of our days on September 11, 2001 helps us connect and helps us heal.

We were not victims. We were both thousands of miles away from the danger. We didn't have any family or friends in New York or Washington. We didn't have anyone on a flight that day. We can't say that we felt the same feelings, we can't say we were as torn up as those affected first hand, but we were deeply and profoundly affected that day. We were never the same.

I was a sophomore in college, sitting in an English class. He was working at his first "real" job after college. I was at a crossroads in my life and so was he. I remember someone coming into the classroom and shouting that the World Trade Center had been bombed. While a scary thought, I have to admit, it didn't shake me like it should have. Of course, we were given misinformation, but we didn't know that, yet. My professor stood powerless and shocked at the front of the room. After considering the idea a moment, she looked out at our faces and said, "Isn't anyone just a little upset about this?"

We were, of course, but we didn't know what to do or how to behave. She went ahead and taught the lecture for the day, but she wrapped up early. As we left the room, we walked out into a whole new world. People all around me were pushing through the halls, running around, screaming and wailing. Everyone I saw had a cell phone to the ear (this was before cell phones had taken over the earth, so this was a very unusual sight) and was sobbing or rubbing their foreheads or hugging on to someone for dear life.

I didn't see anyone I knew to ask what was going on. Strangers were deliberately avoiding eye contact with me so they wouldn't have to bear the bad news. I was completely and utterly confused.

When I went into my second class for the day, a communications class, the professor said, "Due the tragic events that have just occurred, I am canceling class today."

What tragic events? What the hell is going on? My mind was racing. I took my bags and ran to my sorority house. I barged through the front door and saw 2 dozen of my sisters and friends glued to the television, sobbing, hugging, frozen in horror.

I had completely missed the event as it happened and I am quite grateful for it. If I had been one of the unlucky ones to watch that second plane, I'm sure my little heart would have given out right then and there. From the moment I realized what had happened, I sat in that sorority house frozen to the TV. My emotions went from shock to horror to inexplicable grief to sadness to fear and then finally to numbness.

We drove up to the BP gas station by campus to fill up our cars. Rumor had it that gas prices would spike astronomically. We filled our tanks up for just over $2, I think. I remember being astounded that it had already gotten that expensive. Sheesh. If I'd only know I be paying double that in just few short years!

I don't remember eating that day. I called my parents and told them I wanted to stay on campus (My college is in the city where I live and I was living at home at the time). They wanted me to come home, but they didn't want me to drive. I stayed there on the front porch of my sorority house until midnight talking with friends about the day, crying, worrying, wondering what we could do.

Years later, after meeting a dear friend from Staten Island, I got the chance to visit New York City. I saw ground zero. I heard her stories. I heard her family's stories. I heard her friend's stories. I went through a new grief process as I took all of that in. These were people affected first hand. Roe had been going to the city since birth. I couldn't imagine her grief, it was too much to handle.

Last night, I had trouble sleeping so I turned on TV. Big mistake. Coverage of 9/11 is everywhere and of course, I was sucked in. Every story made me weep uncontrollably.

Ten years later, I can still feel the same rawness. I can see the helpless faces on TV. I can hear the screaming and the chaos. As a mother and a wife now, I think about all the lives and loved ones lost in a different light and it makes it even more unbearable.

Michael and I will share our stories again today. We will watch profiles of family and victims of 9/11. We will say a prayer together today. We'll hold on to each other and we'll hug our babies tight. We will remember so that we will never forget.

Destiny

2011-09-08T22:31:00.003-04:00

So I am definitely not in a better place, but it is a new day. This morning after getting out of the shower, I stood completely naked in the middle of the freezing bathroom and just sobbed. That's how my husband found me when he came home from work.

He tried to hug me, but I just collapsed to the floor, sobbing giant tears.

I am thankful that this weird schedule he is currently on allows him to be home in the morning to help get the kids ready. My mornings are just a tad less disheveled and manic with him around.

I had another hellish day and then I called Mike after school to cry some more. I had to stay at school until 9:00 for open house. I miss my husband. I miss my babies. I miss myself.

While I was talking to Mike, he let me vent my frustrations, he let me cry. He gave me permission for the umpteenth time to "quit." I finally explained to him that it wasn't that easy. I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to be a quitter. I was raised to see things through. That's part of it. I also feel a responsibility to my family to finish what I started and help secure some financial stability. I also am a little terrified to just up and quit and then delve into the whole stay at home mom gig. The grass looks perfectly trimmed and the most gorgeous shade of green. But I KNOW once I climb on over there, the grass will have grown wild and brown and crunchy.

What would I do with myself all day? How would I keep my mischievous, curious toddler whose used to constant stimulation and friends at daycare occupied all day? We'd be on a budget so tight that we'd rarely get out of the house. The expectation of clean house and a meal on the table would actually be there if I was at home all day. Susie Homemaker I am not.

After my cathartic release last night, I desperately looked up "part time job opportunities" on monster and craigslist and jobnews.

I prayed hard.

And though I haven't come to a decision, I've come up with a goal for myself. I desperately wanted the whole teaching thing to work as it has been my dream since I was five years old. But I've had another dream for just as long. For as long as I've wanted to be a teacher, I've wanted to be a writer.

I have two different story ideas brimming at the surface. I know I was destined to be a writer. It is as natural to me as drinking water.

And so, my husband asked me to do my best to finish out today the best I could. He asked me to get through tomorrow with the knowledge that I can leave if I so choose. He told me we would sit down this weekend and hash out a plan. We'd work it out. And from there we'd take it day by day. I love him so very much. He's always supported my plans and my dreams and my changes of heart.

And while I'm figuring out what I'm going to do and who/what I'm going to be, I'm going to write. Not here, not in my journal where I tell my life story, but in a different place. A place I might be willing to share in the future.

As I prayed today, visions and words and opportunities came to me. I've always known I was given this talent. I've always known I wasn't using it the way I should. I've got a spark of something and I can't wait to run with it!

Muddled

2011-09-07T20:01:00.002-04:00

***WARNING*** This post is not for the faint of heart. The following is a long-winded ramble that is completely, utterly, solely for me. This is my outlet- the one place I can spew this verbal vomit without holding back. Rest assured I will drop the "f" bomb at least a half dozen times. Proceed with caution. Whether you make it to the end or not, would you say a little prayer for me (if that's your thing) because I REALLY REALLY need some prayers!??!

I knew it was only a matter of time. I'm surprised I made it this long, actually. I had high hopes for myself and this new school year. Of course I was sad to send my babies off to daycare, but I was eager for a fresh start, a new school year. I learned so much last year! I thought for sure things would be bright and sunny where they were cloudy and cold before.

Plus!?! Our administrators vowed to crack down on our students. We had their full support- 100%! Everything went swimmingly the first week and a half of school. In the fourth week? Honeymoon's over. Chaos has ensued. True colors are shining through.

I'm at a pivotal point in this crazy life of mine. I have to make a decision, but for the life of me I just can't do it. I've prayed for guidance. I've prayed for some sign or signal to help me. Perhaps my eyes aren't open to the answer? I can't say for sure, but I am M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E!

My hours are long. I'm busting my back for 100 teenagers that don't give a damn- that aren't afraid to look me in the eye and call me a "bitch." I've got students that flat out refuse to work, that fall asleep and can't be bothered to complete assignments, that cuss me out if I so much as ask them to get back on task. But shame on ME if I so much as fail them. I have to document ALL the steps I'VE taken to prevent the failure. Last time I checked, I WASN'T the one in school.

I've got kids that won't follow simple directives like "be seated when the bell rings" and sure as shit won't follow directives like "shut the fuck up while I'm giving you instructions." We have the lowest test scores in the district not because our kids are "dumb" but because they fall asleep during the test or just bubble in answers without trying. Most of my 11th graders are not even on a middle school reading level, but I'm supposed to teach them "The Great Gatsby." Oh how we should be examining all the rich symbolism in the novel, but they couldn't freaking grasp the symbolism of a clock being knocked off a freaking mantle. Time??? Gatsby wants time to stand still! Come on folks, pay attention. I have to read the book OUT LOUD to them and stop every other line or so to EXPLAIN what the crap Fitzgerald is saying. And they all just fall asleep because they are so bored to death and they don't give a damn about a story written in the 1920's. But I'm supposed to make them care! And I get "dinged" when assholes come in to observe me because I let too many kids sleep. I'm supposed to keep them engaged. The only fucking thing I could do to get their attention for long is to stand on my damn desk and tap dance for them. And then they'd all take out their prohibited electronic devices to videotape me and put it on the internet. And I'd get fired but they wouldn't even get a damn referral for using their electronic device during school hours.

I'm sick sick sick of being harassed and threatened by my students. I'm tired of feeling like I have to watch my back every second of the day. I worry constantly about kids stealing from me or setting my goddamn wall on fire (true story) or breaking out in a fight in the middle of class (true story) or squirting hot sauce all over my desk (sad, but true story).

If that were all, it might be worth the 1% raise I earned this year, but I'm also being micromanaged by a million different people within this failing Beaurocracy. I've got "people from the state" in my classroom scrutinizing my every move instead fucking helping me out. Today, in 2nd period, I had kids cussing me up and down, I had kids that wouldn't shut their mouths and just kept talking over me, I had kids all over the place not in their seats. The "lady from the state" just sat and watched me and scribbled down notes on her "non-evaluative" notepad. Non-evaluative my ass. Just get off your lazy ass and give me a hand. I called security TWICE during that period to have disruptive students removed. Security never came and yet the extra adult I had in my room never came to my aid either. She just let me know that not only did I not mention the learning target for the day (ding 1), there was a kid in the back texting on his cell phone (ding 2) and my bulletin boards are unfinished (ding 3). Bitch. I'd love to see your little country bumpkin ass from podunkville teach these crazy kids for 5 seconds. I'd love to watch you fall flat on your face while (instead of coming to your aid) I'd scribble "constructive criticism" on a fucking non-evaluative evaluation form.

I've got paperwork up to my ears to complete, forms out my ass to fill out. I lose my planning period almost every day for meetings or "optional" PD sessions or hour long vent sessions with my colleagues. I haven't eaten lunch in four weeks.

Maybe, just maybe I could handle this if I wasn't a mother of two sweet little kids. Two little kids that deserve their mommy- the loving, doting, patient one that has recently went AWOL. In her place, there is this zombie looking lady with purple bags under her blood red eyes. She shrieks at the littlest inconveniences. She straps the baby in the bouncy seat and plops the 2 year old in front of the t.v. and just stares off into a black hole of nothingness. She frantically rushes them around in the morning, screams at them if they so much as breathe the wrong way, and speeds them down the world's most dangerous expressway at 80 miles an hour- empty stomachs for all.

She picks them up from their bacteria ridden daycare, speeds them back down said expressway while screaming into her iPhone at whoever is willing to listen to her rant about her horrendous day. She brings them into an empty house because her husband is working 12 hour shifts, not before driving through another grease pit and serving her son french fries for dinner for the fourth night in a row.

As soon as possible, she shoves her little tykes off to bed and she proceeds to fall asleep herself. Sort of. Because she's so damn exhausted, her body actually won't let her sleep. So she stares into the fucking ceiling for 2 hours and when she's finally drifted into a comfortable slumber, a cough down the hall or a wail through the monitor jar her awake. She tends to her babies one after the other through the night hours and when the 5:00 alarm blares, she hits the snooze until she's almost completely out of time.

Rinse. Repeat. Every. Fucking. Day.

I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. To which my husband responds, "But you are doing it." Fuck you. I don't WANT to do it. I don't WANT to do it. I don't WANT to do it. There. I said it. I admitted it to the world. It's not that I CAN'T. It's that I don't WANT to do it. Who the hell wants to get SHAT on every day?

And therein lies my dilemma. I don't want to be the person I am when I teach at this place. I want to be the spunky, life-loving, adventure seeking, in shape, healthy, sane minded person. I want to be the mom I used to be- the one that Caroline doesn't even know exists and that Lucas has long forgotten. And while my husband says, "If you are that miserable, just quit," I just can't seem to call his bluff. Why is that? He gives me permission to quit my job almost every day. Why can't I just quit my job?

Yes, we need the money! But money isn't everything when someone's sanity is on the line. I don't know what to do. I seriously pray about it every second of the day. I wish I could figure out the answer.

I wish I could figure out my freaking purpose. I wish...

Can You Take Care of My Sister?

2011-09-07T08:49:00.000-04:00

Lucas has recently entered a bossy stage. He is still sweet as can be, but in an instant he becomes demanding.

"Get me some more milk."

"I wanna watch a show."

"Get me my book."

We've worked very hard with him on manners, but it hasn't sunk in enough for him to ask for things the polite way on his first request. We always tell him, "Lucas, that's not how you ask for something."

To which he replies (in the sweetest, most charming little voice ever) "Please, mommy, may I...

have more milk?

watch a show?

read a story?

I do hope he gets there eventually!

He's also reached a very independent place in his almost 3 year old world. He's always been fiercely independent, but until now he still needed us more than he realized. These days, he does all kinds of things by himself- pottying (standing up!) has been his greatest success, but he can also brush his teeth by himself, turn the bathroom light on and off (with the help of his stool), wash his hands by himself (albeit, messily), wash himself in the bathtub, put his shoes and socks on, and most of the time dress himself!

Sometimes when I tell him he can't do something, he defiantly replies, "Yes my can." It is frustrating and irritating, but I know he's just figuring things out, coming into his own little being.

This morning after breakfast, he took his little cup over to the refrigerator, stood up on his tippy toes and poured himself some water from the door of the freezer. I was absolutely amazed! He is so big, I just can't believe it!

Lately, when Caroline is crying and I haven't made it to her just yet, he'll holler at me, "My baby sister is crying, mom!" If I still haven't done something about it, he'll yell, "Can you take care of my sister?" The first time he said that I nearly fell over from laughter! He is such a little character!

He is learning and growing and changing before my very eyes. I cannot believe he will be THREE in two short months! THREE!!??!!

I've been wandering down memory lane, going back and reading journals from when he was Caroline's age. I can't believe how much I've already forgotten about his babyhood. I can't barely remember what he looked like or smelled like.

I get a little sad and weepy, but then I look at the charming, adorable, funny, sweet, stubborn, smelly, crazy, silly son of mine and realize that I have to live in the moment. I can pine after yesterday, but yesterday is gone. I can worry and dream of tomorrow, but tomorrow isn't here, yet. All I have is today. And today is pretty darn good!

Four Month Stats

2011-09-06T16:21:00.003-04:00

Today was a crazy day! We have all been a little under the weather for the past few days. Lucas and Caroline have both had congestion and coughs for about a week. Then, the weather dramatically went from the high 90's to the low 70's. Add to that, allergies in our city right now are just plain awful. It all adds up to lots of sickness in our household!

We went down to the lake for our last "hoorah" of summer, but the weather was pretty crummy. It felt more like late fall. We enjoyed a few nice hours of sun on Saturday, but we spent lots of time on our covered porch hanging out. Lucas woke up Saturday morning with a lot of "goop" in his eyes. We kept his eye cleaned the best we could, but after he came back from swimming, his eye was swollen and a dark shade of purple. I ran to the store to get some Benadryl which actually knocked the swelling out.

His eye got better, but his cough got worse. We were concerned, but it wasn't any different from any other time his allergies have flared. On Sunday morning, I woke up and was completely hoarse. I rarely get allergies, but all my symptoms definitely matched for allergies. I took some Zyrtec and slept on and off most of Sunday. This was the day that the weather had dipped nearly 20 degrees.

Caroline has been fine except for her little cough. However, she had her 4 month "well" check up today at 2:30. All weekend I was debating back and forth what I should do as far as getting her to that appointment. With Mike's work schedule, he would have been able to take her, but as "mom" I just couldn't not go. However, Tuesdays are faculty meeting days at school and our principal is a stickler. He doesn't think, "my daughter has a doctor's appointment" is an excuse. Unfortunately all three of us got worse over the day yesterday and I realized I was going to have to take a sick day. I literally had no voice. How was I going to teach?

I put in for a sub last night and just let go of the guilt. I hate taking sick/personal days because it is more of a pain to deal with sub plans and the chaos that surrounds letting someone else into your classroom. Last year I didn't take many because I was saving them for maternity leave. This year, I've allowed myself to "be okay" with sick days for myself and my babies. They come first!

We woke up this morning and while Caroline seemed fine, Lucas and I were both hoarse and sick. I called the pediatrician and asked if Lucas could be seen before/after/during Caroline's appointment. Luckily that worked out perfectly!

As it turned out, Lucas has pink eye and allergies. She said his ears, chest, and throat were all fine so she didn't suspect any infections besides pink eye. She put him on eye drops and told us to put him on Children's Zyrtec and Children's Mucinex. She said he looked like pretty much every other kid in town that had been through the office today. Allergies are horrendous where we live!

Caroline, however, is perfect and well. The doctor listened to her chest and said it sounded great. She thought the cough might also be allergy related or it might be from her profuse drooling. It is hard to tell when they are that little and the best we can do is continue to keep her propped up and keep her nose clean and clear.

Other than that, she looks great! The doctor was impressed with her head control. She showed off her "grabbing" talents and was giggling and talking to the stuffed panda bear that was hanging from the ceiling.

She weighs 13 pounds (50th percentile) and is 24 inches long (50th percentile). Her head circumference is also in the 50th percentile. What a proportionate little cutie! She had to get one oral vaccine and 2 shots in her leg. I was shocked at how well she took it. She hardly even whimpered with the first shot and while she did cry with the second one, she had completely stopped by the time we left the exam room. She is sleeping away right now as we speak. What a little trooper!

I'm so proud of my sweet girl! She is just so amazing and perfect. The doctor said so! Here's hoping the rest of us can get well soon!

Four Months Old!

2011-09-05T19:31:00.000-04:00

Caroline was 4 months old LAST Monday! I've been absolutely wiped out so it has been difficult to write about her! I feel so terrible about it, but such is life!

Caroline is just an absolute sweetheart! She lights up the room with her enormous smiles and infectious giggles. She thinks the whole world is fascinating and hilarious! She loves staring at her brother and is constantly surveying what he is up to. She loves playing peek a boo. She loves being kissed on her neck and tickled on her tummy. She loves it when we kiss her toes. She just really loves life!!

She started daycare this month. This is her fourth week and she is doing pretty well, all things considered. This whole "going back to work thing" has been a HUGE adjustment on us all! Overall, her teachers are great with her and they love her dearly. They say she is just so laid back and easy and she rarely fusses unless she is tired or hungry. It amazes me that she is so content all the time! Lucas was a pretty "easy" baby but he definitely had more fussy periods and he didn't adjust to daycare very well at all. I can't believe how lucky we have been to have an even "easier" baby than Lucas!

She recently got her first case of the sniffles, but I'm not for sure if it is a real cold or allergies. Everyone I know that has allergies is suffering with them right now including Mike and Lucas. Part of me thinks that's all it is, but I'm not for sure. We've been trying to keep her nose clean and propping her up so she can drain. Regardless, my amazingly wonderful sleeper has started to get up every hour or so to cough and toss and turn! I'm on day 3 of NO sleep and let me tell you it is starting to show. I look like a walking zombie!

We think she might be "teething" because she is drooling profusely and always has a finger in her mouth. We haven't seen any signs of teeth, though. I'm really not looking forward to all that comes with that! I hate to see my babies in pain!

Caroline is taking 5 or 6 bottles of formula a day at about 5 ounces per bottle. She is a great eater, but a terrible burper. She rarely ever fusses, but when that girl is hungry, she is NOT afraid to let us know! We started her on rice cereal over the weekend. She likes it, but is still figuring it out. I love this stage for all the exciting new things she gets to try! I'm planning to make her baby food just like I did for Lucas. I learned so much from making Lucas's food that I'll probably try even more this time around!

She is rolling over from tummy to back and she is trying desperately to roll over from back to tummy! She is fascinated with her playmat and pretty much anything that we hold up to her. She loves to bat at toys that are in her reach. She doesn't grab for toys on the floor, but she will grab hold of them if you hand them to her. She is a pro at grabbing her shirt and loves to pull it up to her face. She has started grabbing hair and it is not pleasant! That girl has one tight grip!

We are still swaddling her and I am terrified to see how she sleeps once we break her from it. I don't plan to do that until she is officially rolling from back to front. Though at the rate she's going, that will be pretty soon. She is a great sleeper when swaddled, but without it, it's a whole other story! She is getting more comfortable with her baths. I've even seen her smile a little. She loves when we put her baby tub in with Lucas during his bath. She just smiles and laughs at her big brother. He's always sure to share his bath toys with her, too.

She adores her big brother and is always watching him as he darts around her. He is very loving with her which makes it even sweeter! I can't wait to watch them grow up together! The way she follows after him though, it won't be long until she's chasing behind him!

Caroline was baptized this past Sunday, which was a beautiful, special time for all of us. She was absolutely beautiful and by far the quietest/best baby there! We had a special party for her and lots of family and friends came to celebrate with us.

I am eager to see all the new things she learns to do this month! We are just so in love with our sweet baby girl. She keeps us smiling and laughing! Her little being just warms my heart and brings us all inexplicable joy! Happy 4 months, little girl!

That Boy

2011-08-23T19:48:00.000-04:00

Lucas has us cracking up all of the time these days. He really has a sharp mind. He is still so observant. He is very eloquent. And yet he's two. So sometimes things get mixed up and jumbled around. I've been wanting to jot down some of the hilarious/sweet/smart/silly things he's said and done lately, so here they are.

*When we ride around on the boat, we go under a bridge. For as long as I've been going with Mike, he's always shouted, "Echo" as we ride under it. He's passed this on to my niece and nephews and now Lucas. Lucas deemed it the "Echo Bridge" completely on its own. Now, anytime we pass over or under a bridge (at the lake or at home) he calls it the Echo Bridge. In our play room, we have a Little Tykes Climber. He turned the slide part (underneath) into an Echo Bridge for his cars, trains, and boats.

*The other day we were watching Oprah at my mom's house. The episode had Garth Brooks on it. Lucas looked at the T.V. and said, "Hey! Look! There's my Uncle Ani (Andy). He's playing the gotar (guitar) and singing into his microwave (microphone)." Garth Brooks and my brother in law look nothing alike. The entire situation had my mom and I cracking up for hours!

*We call Lucas's daycare "school' and I also say that I am going to school when I drop him off each day. As we were driving home this week, Lucas asked me if I liked my teachers. I told him that I was the teacher and he said, "Oh."

*As I was tucking him in bed, we were talking about going to school. He asked me if I took naps at my school. He also wanted to know if I had friends at my school and if I got to go outside and play. Talk about melting my heart! Such a sweet boy!

*Lucas is completely potty trained (during the day). He knows the difference between pee and poop, but when he goes poop, he always yells, "Moooom, I peed a big one." ??? Who knows!?!

*The other day I was checking my e-mail. Lucas was watching a show and Caroline was playing on her playmat. She started fussing a little and then started all out crying. Before I could get up, she stopped completely. I assumed she had just calmed herself down, but when I went in to check on them, she was happily sucking on her pacifier. Lucas had gotten her paci and put it in her mouth!

State Fair

2011-08-21T09:25:00.005-04:00

Mike had to work all yesterday, but he really wanted to do something when he got off. Since summer is slowly slipping through our fingers, he really wanted to do something outside. I feel like I really let myself and my family down this summer because we didn't do as much as I wanted us to. But when temperatures are 99 degrees with heat indexes of over 100, things outdoors don't sound very inviting, especially with a new baby. Even though it was going to be another hot one, I reluctantly agreed to do something outside.

Mike suggested the drive in, but we've actually been there a few times this summer. I suggested the state fair since it is only here for one week out of the year. At the very least, we could go indoors to see some of the exhibits if it got too hot for us.

As we waited in line (on the interstate) for almost an hour, we started to think it was a very bad idea! We didn't know until we got off the interstate that they had closed the main gate to the fairgrounds. We were stuck in the middle of the road with nowhere to go. Mike managed to maneuver into the left turning lane and we parked in the lot right next to the fairgrounds. Just getting the two kids out and into the double stroller had us all dripping with sweat!

We walked around outside for a few minutes and decided to go inside to cool off. We looked around at some of the exhibits, watched a little kids show, and found the cows. Lucas loved seeing the cows close up until one of them stood up to get a drink of water. Lucas screamed and started freaking out. We quickly moved on. Ironically, the cow that scared him was named Leeann. I laughed so hard about that because I've ALWAYS hated my name. I think it sounds so country and I'm not even from the country. I laughed and said to Mike, "See, I told you I had a country name!"

We enjoyed some grater taters and corn dogs (and beer!). We enjoyed the little discovery farm area where we could see some more animals close up- rabbits, ducks, roosters, donkeys, goats, pigs, and more cows. This time, they were enclosed so Lucas felt safe. He even petted a few of them.

I think this was our FAVORITE thing at the fair! The little ducks sliding down the slide. Lucas was belly laughing so hard! He thought it was hilarious! We all did, actually!

When the sun went down, we went back outside for a little while and just walked around. Lucas would have loved the little rides, but it was really too crowded. We all just enjoyed taking in the sights and sounds and smells of the state fair.

Caroline did great! She never fussed until the very end when she got hungry. Lucas did pretty well, too. He loved everything he saw, but he also got a little cranky at the end. Who can blame them? We did, too. I love love love doing things like this with my family! It's what life is all about!

First Week

2011-08-19T16:39:00.003-04:00

Well, the first day of school has come and gone (thank goodness!). We started school on Wednesday and I am just beyond tired! My body has to readjust to standing all day, to breathing in weird school/teenager smells, to not being able to go to the bathroom on demand, eating small and quick meals (or nothing at all), and getting up at the crack of dawn.

Overall, it was actually a good start! I am just flabbergasted at how much easier the second year has been. I already have control of my classroom and that's the biggest challenge I faced ALL year last year. I haven't even encountered too much attitude either.

I think there are a variety of reasons why this year has started so smoothly. While I do believe some of the credit is my own, I also owe it to my class sizes. We are on a trimester schedule with 70 minute classes. I teach 4 "blocks" and I have one planning period. Last year, my 4 classes were busting at the seems. The legal limit of kids per class is 31. I had 31 kids in every single one of my classes last year. To make things worse, the first 20 days is an adjustment period where there can actually be more than 31 kids in a class. Two of my classes (last year) had 35 in them for two full weeks.

This year? My biggest class has 27. Though 27 is still pretty big, it is completely manageable for me after 31 kids. My other classes have 17 kids, 15 kids, and 12 kids. It is amazing what I was able to teach those kids in the first days of school. I think they worked harder in 3 days than my students last year worked in 3 weeks! Crazy.

I was also prepared for this school and these kids. Last year, I knew I was going to be teaching in a "tough" school, but I was completely blindsided by how "tough" it really was. On the first day of school, I was the sweet, personable, happy, smiling person that I am in real life. We went over rules and procedures, but I didn't drill into their heads how important those rules were in my classroom. Yeah...they pretty much ate me alive! It took me almost the entire first trimester to gain control in a few of my classes. I had to fight for control and that's what made most of them hate me so much.

This year? I went in with my guns a blazing! We went over my rules, I explained my consequences. I told them what I would not put up with. I gave them a handout that explained my classroom policies and made them all sign it- acknowledging that they understood them. We talked about ways to prevent some common misbehaviors. I explained to them that I would follow all school policies and protocol in my classroom because my job depended on it. Thus I would not be losing my job over things I could control such as cell phone violations, dress code violations, etc. I even took a cell phone away...on the first day of school. I am pretty sure I just turned a blind eye to that last year.

The difference this time around is I really wasn't mean to them. I just told it like it was. This is how you will behave in my classroom and if you don't, this is what will happen. And they believe me because I proved it to them. I did all this with a smile on my face instead of the growl I wore last year. I definitely learned a lot!!!

The most surprising thing about this school year so far is that all those hateful kids that gave me such a hard time constantly stop by room to give me a hug, to tell me that they miss me and that they wish they were in my class. What? Some of the veteran teachers told me this would happen, but I really didn't believe them. Of course, the sweet kids come by, too. It's nice to be recognized. I think that's even played a part in the behavior of my current students. I've been around and they know it. I'm not new to the school. If those kids like me, I must not be so bad.

That's the weird thing about the school where I work. I'm sure a lot of high schools and high schoolers have some similarities, but the kids in my school are rough and tough and violent. These kids have extremely tough exteriors that are incredibly difficult to break through. Once you do (and I did with some of my students) it is amazing what is underneath- potential, intelligence, and above anything else...love.

My students don't have much. Most of them live in a poverty I've never known. Last year we were 85% free and reduced lunch. This year we are 95% free lunch. A lot of kids I teach live in the dangerous projects downtown. Now that I know which projects my kids come from, my ears are more alert when I hear of crime (and murder!) in those areas. They don't know much else except violence, yelling, and people always letting them down. They've learned NOT to trust authority and I'm starting to understand why. It takes a lot of effort to make them realize I only want good things to happen to them. I'm not out to get them. I want to see them succeed and make something out of their lives.

Last year I was in a raw, emotional world of my own. I could not break through the barrier of disrespect, I could not see through their facades. They made me angry. They were so incredibly hateful to me that I couldn't see anything more. A woman that I go to church with asked me if I would send her pictures of my students so that she could pray for them. Though my heart was humbled just a little by her faith, I could not get myself to pray for them. I didn't think they deserved it.

What I learned over the course of last year is that these kids need prayers more than anyone else in the world. Even if they finish high school, the majority of them will end up dead or in prison. Last year that idea didn't bother me, but now it does.

When I tell people where I work, I instantly get bright eyes and nods of sympathy. I've struggled with myself and who I am supposed to be for quite sometime. I am a mom first and sometimes I think I've selfishly put my own dreams ahead of my family. And last year while I was so miserable, it would have been so simple to take the easy way out. To quit. And I almost did.

Lately I've been really thinking and praying about my purpose (or rather God's purpose for me). I've read a few things that have made me believe that I am right where I am supposed to be. I always had the dream to teach, but I NEVER dreamed of teaching in a school like I do. I actually dreamed of teaching in the Catholic high school that I attended. After lots of prayer and thoughtful consideration, I've realized God put me in a place where I could really help. Those Assumption girls (while they'd love me and I'd love them) don't need me the way these kids do. It doesn't matter who teaches those Assumption girls- they'll behave, they'll learn, they'll succeed, they'll graduate and become amazing things in life because they've had the foundation from their family.

The kids I teach have very few people in life they can depend on. What I found last year (or this year, really) is that because I didn't quit on them, they slowly let me into their hearts. And I'd like to think they are just a tiny bit better because they had a tough, loving teacher like me.

We have a slogan at our school- "On their case and on their side." It takes awhile for them to realize that while we are on their case- to follow rules, to turn in work, to stop sleeping, to stop fighting, to start figuring out what they want from life, we are also on their side. We believe in them. We love them. We want them to make something of themselves. Sometimes they "get it" while we have them. Sometimes they "get it" later. Some of them won't ever get it.

One thing I read about "purpose" said that if you constantly try for something and you constantly find dead ends or locked doors, perhaps that isn't your purpose. I've tried several different ways to find my way back to Assumption and none of those things ever panned out. Getting this position at the school I'm at and within the district I teach was like a walk through the park. A breeze. Of the 10 people that went through the Masters program with me, I'm the only one that has gotten a job in this district. Six of them still don't have jobs anywhere. I've finally realized that I'm supposed to be here.

I'm still cautious and I'll never let my guard down, but I'm also pretty enthusiastic about this new school year. My heart is finally in the right place.

Unreal

2011-08-15T18:09:00.003-04:00

Our district cancelled school again for tomorrow! While all the schools have power back, there are dozens of live wires down on bus routes and lots of intersections with lights out. It just isn't safe to put those kids out on the streets with all those dangers. Plus, many schools don't have internet, phone, or cable up and running and buses don't have the phones up and running. Not having those would make for a detrimental day for sure!

I just can't believe we've already "missed" two days of school and we haven't even started yet. Schools is supposed to start on Wednesday, now. These kids are going to be WILD when they come in that morning! What an unbelievable way to start the new year! I know it was in the best interest as far as safety, but I can't help but think of those children (especially in my school) that have probably been starving all summer. I work at a school that is 85% free and reduced lunch. So many of my students rely on their two meals a day at school. It makes my heart ache to think of them fending for themselves when school is not in session. As much as I hated so much of last school year, I did learn a great deal about the students I teach. So many of them live in poverty. I know they are anxious to get to school just to have a set schedule and set meals (though they'd never admit that to anyone).

On a plus note, I did get a great deal of school work completed today. I also made it to the grocery sans kiddos (since they were at daycare) and went to lunch with one of my best friends (who is leaving on Saturday for NYC to pursue her dream of acting on Broadway (or off Broadway or anything at all!). I'm so proud of her!

Tomorrow I am keeping the kids home and plan to give them lots of love and squeezes. It will be a nice little last "hoorah!" I also plan to clean the house from top to bottom!

Hopefully we get the show on the road soon! I'm getting anxious and antsy.

"Surprise" Extra Day of Summer!

2011-08-14T22:10:00.001-04:00

Last week flew by, but we all survived just fine! Lucas is getting back in the swing of "school' and Caroline is melting the hearts of her teachers by the minute.

Of course, it took all of 3 days for both of them to come down with the sniffles and for me to get a fever blister from stress! Such is life for a working mama!

School didn't start last week, but it was filled with lots of work and preparation. We get paid for one day of classroom set up (I picked Monday) and the first day for teachers was Thursday. Even though I didn't have to (and wasn't getting paid), I worked in my classroom on Tuesday and Wednesday. Last year my classroom was very plain, but this year I was inspired to decorate my room a little more and make it more appealing to my students. I did all of that on Monday and I spent Tuesday and Wednesday working on lesson plans. I was in meetings ALL day Thursday and the majority of the day Friday.

It was nice to get in the swing of things without the panic and stress of actually having students! I was surprised at how quickly I transitioned to waking up at 5:00 and how great we all did getting ready and out the door in the morning. We need every minute!

We headed down to the lake this weekend for one last "hoorah" before school started officially on Monday. I was pretty much ready with only a few last minute things to do. I did bring my laptop and worked on most of those things while Caroline napped on Saturday afternoon. The weather was beautiful and it was a relaxing day. I even took a three hour nap!

That evening my mom sent my sister and me texts saying "Huge storm at home. 70 mile an hour winds. 90000 people without power." We were all very surprised because the weather at the lake was gorgeous! Even though we are about 2 hours away, this area almost always gets hit hard when storms roll through the area. We didn't really give it too much thought since it was so nice where we were.

This morning she sent us another text saying, "50 schools in the district are without power. A decision will be made this evening regarding closings."

Now this shocked me even more! The lake is awesome because time really does stop for us. We don't have access to cable and the only internet is through our phones (which is usually shaky in that area). Therefore, we had no clue about any of this. I couldn't believe they were even considering closing schools.

We all went out on the boat for nearly 3 hours. We tubed, skiied, and just rode around. The weather was gorgeous! Around 1:00 we headed back up the lakehouse for lunches and to start packing and cleaning to go home.

When we got up to the house, I checked my phone. My mom had sent another text, "School cancelled. First day will be Tuesday." I just couldn't believe it!

I finally called her and she said most of the city looked like a war zone!

I am pretty excited to enjoy one last day of summer. I have a to do list 10 miles long and I'm still sending the kids to daycare, but I'll get to sleep in and I'll pick them up early. I am pretty excited to have one last day without the chaos of the new year.

But...I can't believe we already have to make up a day BEFORE school has even started! Oy! It is going to be a LONG year!!

Telling Secrets

2011-08-14T11:34:00.000-04:00

I HATE these pictures of me. And at the same time, I love these pictures.

My sister captured a special moment between Lucas and me. These moments aren't typically captured on camera because I'm almost always the one behind the camera.

I love my sweet boy to pieces. He is growing so big. I look at him and I can hardly believe he's grown up so much before my very eyes. He makes me swell with pride. He makes me laugh uncontrollably. He makes me cry with his genuine sweetness and innocence.

I'd say Lucas and I share little moments like this a million times a day. We laugh and tell jokes and read stories and sing songs and say prayers. Here we are telling secrets. I have no clue where he learned about secrets or how to tell them, but I went with it. He told me he had a secret and he whispered in my ear, "Papaw Hunter Booboohead." I laughed and laughed and he laughed and laughed. I told him I had a secret, too. I whispered, "Mommy loves you, Mommy loves you, Mommy loves you." We both laughed again. Then I whispered, "Secret, secret secret" to which he whispered, "Papaw Hunter Booboohead." Finally, I whispered, "Jesus loves Lucas." Finally, he whispered, "Papaw Hunter Booboohead."

Such a special moment with my sweet boy, my oldest, but still my baby! I know those moments won't always "look" or "sound" the same, but I know in my heart we will always share them no matter how big and tall and grown up that boy gets!

We Survived

2011-08-08T17:00:00.005-04:00

Lucas, Caroline, and I all survived our first day of "school." I woke up at 5:25 (25 minutes LATER than I'll have to get up when school actually starts. Ugh.) I jumped in the shower, got ready, ate a quick breakfast. Thank goodness Mike is home right now in the mornings. His very presence was the reason we were all able to even make it out the door!

As I was finishing getting myself together, Caroline started squirming (5:45 ish). Mike got her from her crib and laid her in our bed until about 6:00 when he fed her. At 6:10 I woke Lucas up and got him dressed and ready to go. We loaded everyone and everything into the car. We all gave daddy a big kiss and we pulled out of the driveway at 6:30 (10 minutes later than I planned). Yipes! I don't know how we will actually get out the door at 6:10 when school starts!

I dropped Caroline in the baby room first. She didn't have a clue so it really didn't upset me that much to hand her over. Plus I knew them from when Lucas was in there so it wasn't like they were total strangers. Then Lucas and I went into the director's office to get some paperwork, turn in tuition, etc. Lucas was perfectly fine and interacting well with the director. Finally I took him to the area where the older kids go in the morning for breakfast. Even though he remembered Miss Denise he was very timid. He never cried or clung, but he hid just slightly behind my leg. I encouraged him as best I could and tried desperately not to let him see any emotion from me but pure excitement. His little face nearly broke my heart. I ushered him to his seat and gave him one more kiss. I assured him he would have a great day and that I would be back to get him.

Surprisingly I didn't cry. I was upset, yes, but no tears. I arrived at school right at 7:30 and immediately threw myself into cleaning, organizing, rearranging, decorating my classroom. I was too busy to dwell on it. I called the daycare around 11 to check in. Miss Nancy said she (and everyone else) had fallen in love with Caroline. She was bouncing in her bouncy seat, smiling away as we spoke. She transferred me to Lucas's teacher who told me Lucas was doing just great! He was interacting with the kids and doing everything he was asked to do. He had gone potty twice already.

What a relief!

I finished up in my classroom for the day (though I am by no means finished) and set out to pick up my babies at 3:30. I was greeted by Lucas with enthusiastic hugs and by Caroline with tired smiles. Great reports all around! Lucas chattered on about school all the way home and Caroline took a long nap (she's actually still sleeping).

Lucas and I played outside for 45 minutes after dinner. Yay for a cooler day!

Though the guilt and the pain and the heartache and all the other emotions are still there, I am so much more at peace. I know they'll both be just fine! We all will be!

Thoughts

2011-08-06T11:43:00.004-04:00

*I never imagined how hard it would be to a.) find the time to take a picture as a family of four and b.) get a picture where we are all looking in the same direction (let alone smiling). I love my sweet little family!

*I head back to work on Monday and the kids start daycare. I went to my faculty retreat on Thursday and had such a good day. I thought that meant that I was at peace with everything. Yesterday I called the daycare to make sure everything was a go and to ask a dozen questions. The director was very sweet and answered everything and more. Later in the day the assistant director called to double check that we were coming on Monday. Apparently it had been a busy day and the director and assistant never had a chance to talk with each other. So Nancy (whom I LOVE) answered more of my questions and calmed some of my nerves.

*I had a major meltdown last night. I cried uncontrollably for 20 minutes straight. Then I cuddled with my babies and wiped my tears away. I am doing what is best for my family (I think).

*I have one week to get my classroom in order, attend several meetings and in school PD's, finish my lesson plans, make copies, meet the new Superintendent, get my grade book in order, update my syllabus, and figure out what I'm doing with my new newspaper class. All that and I still managed to squeeze in a hair appointment and pedicure before we are officially on the clock on Thursday.

*School starts on the 15th. All I have to say is this year's juniors won't know what hit them! Bring it!

Three Days Left

2011-08-01T20:52:00.002-04:00

I have three days left of my summer/maternity leave. I know I am beyond blessed for getting to be home with both my babies for so long, but I most certainly have a heaviness in my heart.

Just yesterday I was trying to put into words the conflict between the professional "me" and the mommy. As a professional I am actually pretty excited to start a fresh new school year. I learned a lot last year! Plus this year should be better for a variety of reasons. For starters, I won't be a pregnant ball of emotions. I don't have to worry about my KTIP certification as it is COMPLETE! I won't be blindsided this time as I know the student population that I'm dealing with. There also seems to be some positive changes within the school, the administration, and the state & federal standards we are required to follow. I met up with the rest of the English department today to collaborate and lesson plan for the first six weeks of school. It was nice to be with my colleagues and use my brain. I was so busy and overwhelmed that I didn't have time to worry or miss my babies.

Though I knew they were safe in the arms of my mom. They'll be with her again on Thursday when I attend my faculty retreat. On Monday, however, my sweet babes will start daycare. I am at peace with that fact in so many ways, but my heart still hurts a little. I am comfortable with the daycare as it is the same place Lucas attended for the past year. He will have a blast and will be so happy to be reunited with his friends and teachers. Caroline will be in the baby room where (right now) there are only 4 other babies- one of whom is her cousin. There are some sweet ladies that love up on those babies. I've seen it with my own eyes. I know she'll be just fine. To top it off, my father-in-law is less than a mile away from them if anything should happen. And I am just down the road as well.

If the story ended it there, it would be happily ever after, but alas it does not. As a mommy, it is heartbreaking and gut-wrenching to leave my babies in the care of someone else and go off to work. I'm not ready. I don't want to go. I want to be with my kiddos forever-even when they frustrate me and make me want to rip my hair out. I love them and I miss them every second they aren't with me.

Being a teacher does have it's benefits, though. For one, I'll be so busy during the day that I won't have time to wallow or pout or cry or miss them too much. And I'll be able to pick them up by 3:30 or so in the afternoon. And of course, I have lots of breaks between now and next summer. And then of course, I have next summer to look forward to. How many days until then?

Three Months Old (A Little Late)

2011-07-31T18:47:00.007-04:00

Caroline turned 3 months old on Friday! I am a little late journaling about it because we were on vacation at the lake where we don't have cable, internet, or even a computer! If I stand in just the right spot I can pull up the internet on my iPhone, but it takes forever and there is no way I could write a whole month update from it!

So, here we are just a few days past her three month birthday. She is growing so big and she is still such a little sweetheart! She has definitely filled out over the past month. She eats between 5 and 6 ounces every 3 to 4 hours during the day. She's really started to move around and I think she must be working most of the milk off because she still isn't very big (though she does have some chunky little thighs). Though 6 ounces seems like a lot to me, I have to remind myself that she is sleeping (on average) 10-11 hours at night!

As for a daily routine, we are slowly getting into a groove. It will change in 2 weeks when I go back to work, though. Hopefully it will still be pretty similar. Caroline wakes up between 6 and 7 and has a morning bottle. I usually change her diaper and swaddle her back up. She typically sleeps for another two hours or so. When she wakes up, I dress her and we play for about an hour. After her second bottle, she plays for awhile and then naps for another hour or two. This is how most of the day looks, though she does have one long stretch in the afternoon where she is alert. Around 7:00 she gets either a sponge bath or a real bath, a clean diaper, and pajamas. She gets her last bottle of the day between 7:30 and 8:30. We swaddle her, give her lots of kisses, turn on her music, and lay her in bed. She is usually out within 10 minutes. She is a great sleeper during the day and night!

When she is awake, she entertains herself on her playmat or the floor or the swing or pretty much wherever we put her. She only fusses if she is poopy, bored, or hungry. She loves being in the upright position and when she wants to be held, she usually wants to be held facing out and upright. She has great head and neck control. When she sits in my lap, she holds her head up pretty well and does most of the work. She has really started to interact with us with adorable coos, smiles, giggles, and all out laughs. She smiles at just about anyone who talks to her and will coo for really long stretches of time. She loves when I kiss her neck, tickle her belly, and pretend to sneeze. She loves looking at faces! She is SO happy and is just so sweet.

While she did roll over several times before she was even one month old, she has slowed down a little bit. During tummy time she lifts her head up high, but will only roll over every now and then. She is still not a big fan of her Bumbo, but it is growing on her. She still isn't a fan of baths, either. I did switch out her baby tub for the EuroBath we used when Lucas was about 4 months old. It is huge and takes up the whole tub which is why I was reluctant to pull it out, but it gives her much more support and she seems more comfortable in it than the other tub.

While we were on vacation at the lake, she got in the water twice. Both times she LOVED it. We went to a little beach area while we were there. Mike tied the boat to a tree and we could actually touch the bottom. I had intended to keep her shaded in a bouncy seat, but she was hot and I couldn't get her to stop fussing. Mike's dad told us to put her in the water so we did. I didn't want to at first, but the minute her little body hit the water she stopped crying and started smiling and kicking. After about 10 minutes in the water, I got her out and she was asleep within 5 minutes. Later in the week, we went down to the dock for an evening swim. I put her in the water with me and she fell asleep! I think we have another water baby on our hands!

I can't say it enough- Caroline is just the sweetest, easiest little baby ever. I love her to pieces. She is so beautiful, too! She is getting stronger by the minute. She is getting so interactive and fun. I can't wait to see what this month holds!

29

2011-07-22T08:47:00.001-04:00

I woke up earlier than usual this morning and not because of a beautiful little girl down the hall either. I woke up on my own free will. Instead of rolling over and waiting for the precious sound of hand sucking, I embraced the crack of dawn. Why? Because today is my birthday. My 29th birthday.

I LOVE birthdays, especially my own! There is just so much to be thankful and grateful for each year my birthday rolls around. As a kid it was because every birthday was a milestone. I eagerly awaited all those magic numbers: 10 (double digits!), 13 (teenager), 16 (driver's license), 18 (legal!), 21 (woo hoo!).

Now that I am older, I'm not nearly as excited by the number as I am by the immense opportunities and experiences each year brings me. My 20's have been very good to me, but I have grown and changed SO much! I started this decade as a fragile, emotional, train wreck of a college student. I was indecisive, fickle, and unsure of myself and my purpose in life. I had no way of knowing what life would be like for me just 9 years later.

Over the past 9 years, I turned 21, graduated from college, worked at Walt Disney World, and moved back home. I moved out on my own at 22 (almost 23) and met Michael. I got my first big girl job. Michael and I got engaged (23). We got married (24). We both switched jobs that same year- him to Ford, me to a small college. We built a brand new house and I started my Master's program for teaching (25). We had our first beautiful baby boy (26). I student taught and got hired as a teacher (27). I experienced my first year as a teacher. But more importantly, I gave birth to our second child- our beautiful, amazing little girl (28). I went from being merely a child to a grown woman who is a wife and a mother. I am so happy with where I am now and how far I've come.

And now here I am on the first day of my last year in my 20's. I could whine about the scary wrinkles that have popped up out of nowhere. I could cry over the ridiculous amounts of gray hair scattered across my scalp. I could throw a tantrum over my baby-making hips that just won't slim down. I could scream when I step on a scale or when I look at my tankini clad self in the mirror. I could pine after my youth and curse myself for not having just a little more fun. I could bemoan the fact that I'm almost freaking 30 years old.

But I won't. Not today at least. Because today is special for a million different reasons. Today is a day of celebration. Today is my chance to soak in the joy and love. Today is the day my husband will dote on me and my children will draw me sweet little cards and cover me in sweet slobbery kisses. Today is the day my sister and her three kids will call me (any minute now) to serenade me. Today is the day I get hugged on and loved on by my nearest and dearest. Today is the one day out of the year that I get full rein over our plans. Cheesecake Factory? Yes, please!

And yet, today is also just an ordinary day. Today I will take care of my babies, clean the house, pack for vacation. Tonight I will give my kids their baths, sing songs, read stories, and tuck them in their beds. I'll say my prayers like I always do, but I'll add an extra prayer of thanks for the chance to see another year through.

I can't wait to see what this year will bring! Happy Birthday to ME!

I Love Them

2011-07-20T13:36:00.006-04:00

Lucas was "mirroring her" (as he calls it) completely unprompted. I had to catch them in action!

Both of my children just melt my heart and fill me with warmth and inexplicable joy. But seeing them together, it is more than words can express or explain. The sweetness and the love between them already. I just know they will be so close as they grow. Lucas is already so sweet and thoughtful. He shares his toys. He serenades his sister with all kinds of songs, but especially "Sweet Caroline." He tells strangers and family alike all about his baby sister. He loves to read to her and he is always quick to tell me what she needs. I really think they will be great friends. I also think Lucas will be fiercely protective of his little sister. I'm almost not even worried about her teen years! And Caroline? Well, she can't take her eyes of her big brother. She's over the moon for him already. Life is so good and it is only going to get better!

Potty Update: One Month

2011-07-19T08:32:00.000-04:00

I am just so incredibly proud of my little boy. He's been potty trained for one whole month. At this point, he hasn't had an accident in weeks. I've finally stopped using pull ups over his underwear for naps because he wakes up dry every time. He will also call out from his bed if he has to go to the bathroom. I've also stopped using pull ups over his underwear when we go out in public. We've even gone on several errands at a time and/or driven 2 hours to the lake and he stayed dry the whole time or requested to use the bathroom.

I make him use the bathroom before we leave the house and before he lays down for nap or bed. Other than that, I don't even ask him whether or not he needs to go. He usually announces it or just goes on his own. One morning, we heard him waking up. Mike went to his room to get him and he wasn't there. Mike called for him and he yelled back, "I'm in the bathroom peeing."

He uses the actual toilet at our house and anywhere else (except the lake-more on that in a minute). I've placed a step stool in his bathroom upstairs and in the half bath on the first floor. He rarely needs help accessing the toilet or going, but he almost always needs help afterwards. Of course he needs help wiping his bottom, but that's to be expected. Much easier than changing diapers for sure! He is fascinated with toilet paper so I usually try to get to the bathroom before he's finished. The one time I didn't make it fast enough, he filled the whole bowl up with toilet paper. Awesome. Guess who got to dig it all out?

The biggest thing we are working on right now is NOT taking his underwear and pants off to go to the bathroom. He typically strips down to his bare bottom and pulls his clothes off. At first I didn't care how he did it as long as he did it. Now I find it exasperating because while he can take his clothes off, he can't get them back on by himself. If I lay the underwear and shorts on the ground, he can (most of the time) get them on correctly. I've tried to show him how to leave his pants at his ankles, but he'll do that, then once he sitting on the toilet, he kicks them off. I've started telling him that if he takes his pants/underwear off, he has to put them back on all by himself. He protests and says he can't. I tell him he has to figure it out. Then I'll lay them on the ground so he can grab them and put them on correctly if he pays attention. This has not stopped him from taking off his pants, but it has helped him gain independence in putting them back on by himself.

The only thing I've found to really help him with this is to make him have shoes on. When his shoes are on he simply can't get the pants/underwear over the shoes.

The only real times he had accidents were very early on when we went on vacation to the lake. Lucas was so busy playing with all his cousins and having the time of his life that he would often forget to go potty like he does so well at home. We were also off schedule and it was just a crazy week. I was so frustrated that he was having so many accidents, but as soon as we got home he immediately got back into the rhythm.

Speaking of the lakehouse, we still can't go #2 at our house. This has proved difficult for all of us, but especially the little ones who just don't have total control of their bodies. After having to either dig things out of the toilet and/or pump them out one too many times, we finally trained all the little ones to use Lucas's potty. We then have to dump that loveliness into the woods, but at least our hand isn't in the toilet digging it out anymore! Since Lucas really doesn't need his potty at home, we just left it at the lake for all the kiddos. The older crowd makes do with walking next door to Mike's dad's lakehouse to take care of business. We can't wait until we can actually use our lakehouse to its full capacity! But, we aren't complaining too much since we do have an amazing lakehouse to enjoy!

As for nighttime, he still wears a pull up over his underwear. I also recently bought a pair of reusable training pants that we've started using. For every six or seven days that he wakes up dry, he'll have one day that his underwear is soaked. I think that is pretty awesome, but I'm not quite ready to call him nighttime trained or remove the pull ups. He'll get there in time!

I am just so proud of Lucas for mastering this new skill. He is certainly proud of himself, too. It is hard for me to believe how far we've both come in the almost 3 years he's been here. I keep looking at his baby pictures to compare him as a baby with where Caroline is now. I just can't believe how big he is now compared to then. What's worse is I find myself having trouble remembering him that little. That was my biggest fear and it is coming true! Even my painstakingly longwinded journals about him don't help me remember his preciousness. Sigh.

At any rate, I am enjoying him in this moment! All 3 feet of his sweet, mostly happy, sometimes grumpy, generous, loving, daring, outgoing, funny, stubborn, potty trained being!

Caroline Squared

2011-07-15T14:14:00.006-04:00

When I was a little girl, I was quite awkward and clumsy and dorky. My clothing choices were questionable. My hair a frizzy mess. I had a circle of friends and I was happy. Looking back we were all pretty dorky and awkward, but I don't think any of us realized it then.

I had one friend in particular that I did the most with from an early age. Starting in first grade we did so much together. We stayed at each other's houses and were even ladybugs together in the first grade play. We were best friends up through middle school where we got even more awkward. Her mom drove me to school when we started high school and then when we were juniors, she drove me to school when she got her license.

Though we didn't always have the same exact friends, there were more times than not that we hung out through high school. We lost touch for most of our college years, though I did meet up with her a time or two. After college, she returned home and we ran into each other. We instantly picked up where we left off and decided to rent an apartment together. Another girl we went to high school with rented with us. We had a great time, but the other girl and I struggled to get along. After our year lease, I decided to move into an apartment on my own and we all went our separate ways. My feelings were pretty hurt by some of the things the other girl had done and said and from the looks of it, my friend was standing by the other girl and not me.

I went on to get married and have Lucas. I didn't give her much thought except late at night when I often feel the loneliest. Then 2 years ago, she friend requested me on Facebook. When I accepted, she sent me a message that said:

Leanne,
I really wanted to tell you that I'm sorry we lost touch over the past few years. When I look back at my childhood you were a big part of it. I'm so thankful to have had you as a friend. You were the friend who loved me for who I was inside and out over the years and I really needed that. And we both know I was a little rough around the edges through some of those years. So I just wanted you to know that I'm very thankful for you being you!

I know traci made it hard for you when we lived together and instead of saying nothing I should have stood up for you. Sometimes saying nothing at all can be worse than anything else.

Well I just wanted you to know what was on my mind.
Love,
Kim

We messaged back and forth for nearly a year promising to stay in touch and get together. I even carried her phone number on a post it note for that entire year. I'm not sure why neither of us made the leap, but I guess we were both busy with our separate lives. She got engaged and then just before her wedding, I spotted her at church. I was shocked for a variety of reasons. We went to a Catholic grade school and high school, but she wasn't Catholic. Her biological father died when she was young and her stepfather and mother raised her Morman. I knew she had abandoned that when were rooming together, but at that time she was questioning her faith and trying to figure it all out. Also, we live on the outskirts of our city on the far east end. New developments are popping up everywhere, but most people who are used to being closer in (near where we grew up) think we live out in the boonies. Our church is right down the street. And she was standing at the front of the church as a candidate for RCIA.

My mind quickly processed a few things: She'd definitely chosen to become Catholic, she must belong to the same church as us, and she must not live far because why else would she be at that particular church so far out in the "boonies." I got chills. After Mass, I tried to find her but there were so many people I wasn't able to. That night, I called her.

We talked for a long time, but she was getting married in the next few weeks and we were both busy. Again, we made lots of empty promises. Nearly another year went by.

When I was pregnant with Caroline, I caught wind on Facebook that she was pregnant, too. She never officially said so, but enough people posted things on her wall that I figured it out. I sent her yet another message on Facebook and this time after talking on the phone for an hour, we set up a time to get together. I was 25 weeks, she was almost 19 weeks. They were finding out the sex in two weeks. We went to Olive Garden and were there for like 3 hours. It was awesome and it felt like coming home.

They were in fact members of our church so we had that to talk about on top of 5 years worth of lost time to discuss. When we talked about names, I told her our name. She said they were having trouble deciding, but the girl name prospects were: Caitlin Elizabeth or Caroline Grace. We both got chills! Two weeks later, she texted to tell me she was having a GIRL! We got together a couple more times for dinner and it was just wonderful. We've also talked on the phone and texted back and forth. On June 17, she texted to tell me that she gave birth to Miss Caroline Grace and I was over the moon for her.

Today, Lucas, Caroline and I took lunch over to my friend and met her sweet Caroline. It was so fun and we had such a good time. She asked me lots of questions and I felt like I was an expert in the subject of mommyhood. I held her Caroline, she held mine. Lucas entertained us all and even sang "Sweet Caroline" to his sister and the other one Caroline (as he called her).

I don't know what the future holds, but it would be so amazing if our girls were as good of friends as we were. They live right down the road from us. The girls will be in the same grade at the same school. We'll all go to the same church. I just can't help but feel grateful for this blessing of friendship and I hope it will continue to stand the test of time!

The Carolines at 11 weeks and 4 weeks! This is the best picture we could get! They kept falling on each other and we had to snap fast! My Caroline looks like a giant next to her Caroline! Two pounds makes a huge difference!

Five Weeks

2011-07-11T21:08:00.008-04:00

I was hoping and praying and wishing on twinkling stars that the second time would be easier. It turns out it is more gut wrenching than I could ever have imagined.

In five short weeks I will return to work. In five short weeks Lucas will return to his school. He'll be reunited with his friends and his teachers. In five short weeks Caroline will also be starting daycare at the same school. I'm not ready.

I know I am incredibly lucky to have been off this long with both babes. I haven't worked in 10 weeks and I still have five more off. Caroline's timing was perfect, yet not so perfect in many ways. Even though I was fully recovered in less than six weeks physically, emotionally I've been raw.

I took one look at her tiny button nose, her flawless skin, her long lashes, her sweet lips and my heart broke at the thought of leaving her at daycare. This ache in my heart began while we were still getting aquatinted in the hospital.

This is not to say that I didn't have these feelings with Lucas. Oh how I weeped when I placed my sweet boy in the arms of strangers (just shy of 11 weeks). But in the beginning, I was too overwhelmed, trying desperately to figure out how to turn my world right side up again. I was a new mom with jitters and fears. Every minute of my day was consumed with doubt- Am I doing this right? Is this how I'm supposed to hold him, feed him, burp him, soothe him? Every minute of my night was consumed with bottles, swaddling, walking around the house trying anything to get him to calm down. When I did sleep, it was such a light sleep that I could still hear his breathing through the monitor. If he so much as wiggled, I jumped for fear something was wrong. No time for worrying about going back to work.

This time around, not only have I been blessed with a laid back baby with excellent sleeping habits, I'm also no fool. I know what's looming around the corner. I know there will be tears and separation anxiety from all three of us. I know there will be more fussiness, more running around like crazy, more chaos, less sleep. I also know that she will be just fine, just like her brother was (is). I know things will work out. I have a different perspective in that regard. But it still makes my heart throb.

I've loved being home with both kids. I've been blessed to not only have this time to get to know my daughter, I've also had this time to enjoy my sweet boy even more. And that's where the timing thing feels off. I feel like Caroline and I were cheated. And then I feel guilty because in saying that it feels that I've somehow cheapened my relationship with Lucas. I don't intend it that way. I just feel like instead of holding and loving and kissing Caroline, breathing in her intoxicating infant scent, memorizing her smile and the shape of her tiny toes. Instead of getting her into a special routine. Instead of reading her sweet stories and singing lullabies, I'm chasing after Lucas, correcting Lucas, kissing his boo boos, wiping his bottom, cleaning up his messes, making his meals, playing with his toys, singing his favorite songs and reading his favorite books. Caroline either comes along for the ride or has to wait patiently on the sidelines while I tend to her big brother. Such is life for the second child, I guess.

I've gotten such a sweet taste of what being at home indefinitely would be like. I know I have my work cut out for me, but I am finally at a place where I know for sure it is what I want. When Lucas was born I didn't have much of a choice. We had too many wants, needs, things piling up on us. We've worked ourselves out of so much of that, we've made our biggest dream a reality, we're slowly whittling away any trace of debt (which wasn't that much to begin with).

Mike and I have discussed me staying home since before Lucas was born. I go round and round in circles on how I feel about it. I love the opportunities that working presents to me. I love that I feel part of the world at large. I love contributing to my family's financial security. I love having some time to myself, even if it comes in small batches- the drive from daycare to school, my planning period, the drive back to daycare after school. I love using my brain for more than mixing formula, remembering sleep and eat schedules, reading children's books.

Most of all, I love the way Mike and I tag team parenting since we both work. I've watched so many families become lopsided while mom is at home. I know I would still have a helpful, happy husband. He dotes on his kids so much and loves spending time with them. He also loves a clean house so I know he'd help me out. I just know deep down so much will change when I officially make the leap. And still, nothing seems more important to me than being at home with my children.

I have wanted to throw in the towel for so long now, but Mike keeps pushing me to work to keep our heads above water. I really wanted to stay at home after I had Caroline and even after 10 weeks of crazy emotions and frustrations and chaos, I still want it more than anything. Mike begged me to work one more year. One more year will set us up so much better. It will give us a safety net. It will help us in the long run.

Even though my heart aches at the thought of it, I know he is right. I know it is the best thing for our family. I know everything will work out. I know in less than a year I'll be home for good. I know Caroline will thrive and learn amazing things just like her brother did at daycare. I know I can survive one more year. I know there is an end in sight. I know, I know, I know.

And yet, I find myself waking in the wee hours of the morning. I tiptoe to check on Lucas, body turned completely upside down in his big boy bed. I breathe in the smell of little boy- a powerful combination of sweetness and sweat. I stare at him as he heaves in and out- his babyness nearly undetectable, but I can still faintly see it. I walk back down the hall, check in on my girl. Her fresh, new human scent hits me before I even walk in the room. My heart leaps as I look down at her kicked out of her swaddle, gently snoring, smiling in her sleep. Those sleeping miracles are what make my life worth living. I don't want to be robbed one more minute of my time with them.

Five weeks.

I go back to my room, high from the beautiful, wondrous perfumes of motherhood. I count my lucky stars, send my thanks to God. And cry. Because even though I've been there done that. Even though it is only for a year. Even though I know it is the right thing to do for my family right now. My heart still feels like it is being chopped into a million pieces.

Vacation

2011-07-07T14:46:00.004-04:00

We are on vacation this week at the lake. Since it is only an hour and a half drive, I came back home with the kids to do a few things around the house while Mike does some work at the lakehouse. I'll be more longwinded when we get home, but for now, here's a few pictures of our week. Do you think that little boy is having fun or what?

2 Month Stats

2011-06-30T09:44:00.004-04:00

Caroline had her 2 month appointment yesterday. The doctor said she looks "amazing" and we are doing great with her. We got to see Dr. Lynch again and I really love having the consistency of one doctor getting to know my children. Plus, she is just awesome!

Caroline weighs 9 pounds 12 ounces (25th percentile) and is 22 and 1/8 inches long (50th percentile). Our skinny little tall girl! Her growth is right on track. Dr. Lynch said she was super alert and very strong for her age.

After Dr. Lynch left, the nurse came back in to give Caroline her shots. She received 2 shots (one in each leg) and an oral vaccine. The one shot used to be 4 shots, but they recently figured a way to put three of the shots into one. I dipped her paci in sugar water to try to help calm her, but she tensed up and turned beet red. She screamed her little heart out. She did settle down by the time we left the exam room to make her 4 month appointment.

Lucas came with us and he was so good. I brought a little bag of books, cars, and coloring pages, but he entertained himself without them. He stayed quiet and even answered Dr. Lynch when she asked him questions. Just before Caroline got her shots, I prepped him as best as I could. I told him that Caroline has to get some medicine in her legs to make her feel better. She might cry, but she's okay. We will kiss her and make it better. He just said "okay." When the nurse gave Caroline her shots, Lucas was reading a book and didn't even bother to look up. I'm so glad he didn't flip out because I'm pretty sure he has to get shots at his 3 year check up. We both kissed Caroline and I held her for a few minutes before putting her in her carseat.

Caroline ran a mild fever all day, slept more than usual, and was extra fussy throughout the day. We would get her to smile and then instantly her smile would turn to tears. I ran a warm bath at the end of the night and got in the tub with her. She hates baths, but I knew it would calm her. She was so relaxed with me snuggling with her in the tub. She fell right to sleep and slept for nearly 10 hours!

She's back to her happy, easy going self today. What a trooper!

Here are comparisons of Lucas and Caroline at one and two months:

Caroline is 2 months old!

2011-06-29T23:16:00.001-04:00

I am just loving life with my sweet little girl! Caroline's second month has been so wonderful. She is doing lots of new things and growing so much!

Caroline eats between 4 and 5 ounces every 3 to 4 hours. We just switched over to the bigger bottles because the small ones are difficult to put 5 ounces in. She is such a little peanut, I can't believe she's big enough to be drinking from the big bottles! They seem so huge next to her. She is so much more alert during the day, but still takes lots of great naps. She is sleeping through the night! I know I am beyond lucky to have two babies that sleep so well. I truly can't imagine (nor do I want to) what it is like to have to wake up every few hours indefinitely. She started out the month sleeping in 5 or 6 hour stretches at night, but now she sleeps anywhere from 7 to 9. So nice!

Caroline has really started to move around, look around, smile, and coo. Several times a day, she does baby aerobics where she moves her arms and legs nonstop. She especially does this right before bedtime (which I think wears her out for the night) and after her first morning bottle. She enjoys staring at the animals hanging from her playmat and absolutely adores looking at faces (especially her brother's). She is constantly looking and I can just see her taking everything (or as much as she can) in with those adorable baby blues. She's been smiling for awhile, but within the past week or so, she has started to smile so big it almost seems like she is laughing! I still think a lot of her smiles are due to sensations like gas, touch, and overall contentedness, but she is definitely smiling when we interact with her, too! She lets out the sweetest little coos all day long. She is such a happy baby!

And in the TMI department (I'm sure this will absolutely mortify her when she's old enough to be reading this), Caroline is the gassiest little thing I've ever seen (or heard or smelled)! I know I'm not supposed to compare my kids (and I try not to!) but it is so hard. This is one area where they are truly different. Lucas was constipated all of the time. His tummy was always so hard so when he finally got unclogged it was relentless, messy, and very smelly- but it was only every few days. Caroline on the other hand is very regular. She poops about once a day and she has gas all day long. I think that is part of why she is so content. She certainly has no belly issues thus far and I am SO glad. It was heartbreaking to watch Lucas writhe around in pain! I guess it really is "better out than in" but her farts could truly rival the smelliest, loudest, longest of old man farts! She has aptly earned her nickname "Miss Toots a Lot!" We love her just the same, but it sure is funny. Even my mom (who NEVER acknowledges gas) says Caroline is "awfully noisy." :)

Caroline likes to hang out in her bouncy seat and enjoys little chunks of time in her swing. She is becoming slightly interested in her playmat. She hates her Bumbo (even more so than her brother did), though she can hold her head while sitting very well. She is better about sleeping in her carseat but she still hates when we're riding in the car and we have to stop (or even slow down). She sure lets us know when she's not pleased! She adores being carried in the sling and the Bjorn. She sleeps so soundly in them that she snores! She loves to be held, but she can also entertain and soothe herself. Most days she puts herself to sleep for all her naps and at bedtime.

She is doing great with lifting her head and rolling over from tummy to back. She doesn't love tummy time, but she amuses us. She can hold her head up really high and has pretty good head/neck control for a 2 month old! Sometimes tummy time wipes her out and she falls alseep right there on her playmat! Too cute! She has also started to put pressure on her legs and tries to stand. She does this most often when we try to burp her and she still wants her bottle! Sometimes when we stand her tall she moves her hips around and it looks like she's trying to do the hula! It is so adorable. I am amazed at her strength and I am so grateful for such a healthy little girl.

We still swaddle her at night and I think it really helps her sleep for longer stretches. She isn't a big fan of it and tries to fight us when we wrap her up, but she eventually tuckers herself out and falls asleep. We use the Swaddle Me with tight velcro and this girl can already break free. In the mornings when she's extremely hungry (from all that sleeping), she wriggles her hand out and starts sucking away on it. Other times she starts freeing her feet first then moves to free her arms. Again, I'm so amazed at her strength.

We have a general order about our days and evenings but we aren't quite on a schedule just yet. She usually wakes up between 5 and 6 for her first bottle. Every now and then she does wake up anywhere from 3 onward, but it is rare these days. Sometimes she wriggles out of her swaddle and her loud hand sucking wakes me up. Sometimes she wiggles and wriggles in an attempt to get out of her swaddle and all the raucous wakes me up. Sometimes it is a little whimper that melts and breaks my heart at the same time. I change her diaper, feed her, talk, cuddle, and sing to her. She is a very slow eater!

When she's finished, I wrap her back in her swaddle and most of the time she goes back to sleep until about 9:00. I feed her again when she wakes up, change her, and dress her for the day. She's usually pretty alert for about an hour and a half. Lucas and I play with her, talk to her, sing to her, and read to her. We do a little tummy time or she plays on her mat- kicking and flailing away. Sometimes she'll swing for a little bit and she looks around with wide eyes (she especially likes the mobile attached to the swing). When she's fussy, I just wrap her up in my Baby K'Tan sling and she usually conks out. After play time, she'll sometimes fall asleep on her mat or in her swing and sleep until her next bottle. This pattern is pretty typical for most of the day. Eat, play, sleep. Her awake time is definitely growing though and we are just loving the little personality that is forming!

After we eat dinner, Mike heads out for work. This leaves me to handle bedtime for both kids by myself. I find this extremely frustrating, but by taking it in stride, I've started to find my footing! Between 6 and 7:30, I try to find something fun for us to do around the house (so Lucas and I don't go stir crazy). We've gone on walks, played outside, played in the basement, done puzzles, played hide and sink (as Lucas calls it). If it is a bath night, we take a bath around 7:30. Caroline absolutely, positively despises her baths and she is NOT afraid to let us know it. She wails and whimpers and all out screams until the bath is over. Then she whimpers some more until she is fully clothed. Bless her sweet little heart! Caroline usually gets a real bath every other day or every third day. On non bath days, I wipe her down with a washcloth.

I get both kids in their pj's and give Caroline her nighttime bottle around 8:00. Lucas and I usually watch one show while she eats. Lucas typically asks for Mickey Mouse or Caillou. I've really limited our TV watching so it has become our nightly "treat." If I time it just right, Caroline will then play, kick, and wriggle happily while I get Lucas off to bed. Sometimes she comes with us to enjoy 1, 2, (or 12) books, prayers, and good-night kisses from Lucas. Sometimes this is her really fussy time (especially if she has eaten way earlier than 8 or hasn't yet eaten). If she's so fussy that she's inconsolable, I lay her in her crib so I can get Lucas tucked in (and he can hear at least one story). Then, she goes to bed. If she's been playing and has started to tucker out, I swaddle her and put her in her bassinet (usually around 9 or 9:30) and she falls off to sleep by herself. If she's fussy, I usually give her a paci (which she does like, but doesn't seem to need), swaddle her, and rock/lull/swing/bounce/sing her to sleep and lay her down (typically no later than 10). And there she sleeps for a good 7, 8, or 9 hours!

Caroline seems to have some skin issue like her brother did (does). I don't think she has full blown eczema (and I hope she never does!), but her skin does get irritated when it is exposed to certain elements. When she's been sleeping with her head nestled up against something she usually breaks out. When she gets really mad she also breaks out. So far over the counter hydrocortisone cream and/or just leaving it alone clears it up in anywhere from an hour to a couple of days. I know she is more prone to getting eczema since her brother has it, but I sure hope she doesn't. She definitely seems to have sensitive skin, though (like her brother and her mother!). Poor thing.

Caroline went on her first boat ride this month. I initially said I wanted to wait until she was 3 months old before she went out. However, the circumstances we were in last weekend left us little choice but to bring her along for a short ride. It was early evening with the sun mostly gone (but still light out) and the weather was just warm enough. I put her sunhat on and wrapped a blanket over her to protect her from the wind/sun. It was tricky getting her to the boat, but she slept the whole time. She rode in my lap (with her lifejacket on) and slept the entire time. When the boat slowed down, she kicked and flailed until we started moving again. It was like she was saying, "Faster, Daddy!" I think she'll be a boat baby just like her brother. She sure loves the motion part! We just have to teach her to like her baths so she can learn to love the lake!

There is so much to love about my sweet little girl and I am enjoying every minute of getting to know her and watching her grow. It is much sweeter the second time around. I am enjoying each moment and I'm much more relaxed. I definitely don't sweat the small stuff. I didn't really sweat much with Lucas either, but I'm even more laid back this go round. I love her deep blue eyes that curiously look around and take things in. I love her little tongue that she is constantly sticking out at us. I love her determination when tries to do things from lifting her head to breaking free from her swaddle. I love the way she just goes with the flow. I love how (most of the time) she is so mellow, laid back, and content. I love her giant, happy smiles. I love the sweet coos that slip out all the time. I love the way she just lights up when one of us talks to her. I love the way she watches moving objects (especially fans!). I love it when she decides to be a cuddle bug because she is so sweet and huggable (but she doesn't always want to be one!). She definitely wants what she wants when she wants it and when she doesn't want it, she lets us know!

I love that I can already see so much of who she is going to be. Stubborn? Probably! Laid back? I think so. Independent? Fiercely! Curious? Most likely. Happy!? She sure is happy most of the time now. A little dramatic? Of course! Tell it like it is? Well, she isn't afraid to let us know how she feels, so I'm thinking yes! Sweet as can be? Without a doubt!

She still doesn't quite seem real to me. I still feel like I'm dreaming! I am so grateful for the chance to be this little girl's mommy. I'm so blessed that God chose me to nurture her, take care of her, raise her, and love her. I am over the moon for my Caroline Elizabeth.

Happy 2 months, sweet Caroline!

Potty Update: One Week

2011-06-27T08:57:00.003-04:00

Well, we started on this potty training journey one week ago. I am so incredibly proud of Lucas and how well he has adapted to this new milestone. If you'd asked me Monday or Tuesday or even Wednesday morning, I would have told you this kid would be in diapers until he was 12. The first day didn't really "click" for him and I cleaned up more messes than not. Tuesday was the same story, different day. Wednesday actually found him peeing and even pooping on the potty. He stayed dry all day and didn't have one accident (even at naptime). We even went out to Sam's for some things for the lakehouse and he stayed dry there, too.

He woke up Thursday completely dry and peed in the potty immediately after waking. He stayed dry all day Thursday, which consisted of a 1 hour and a half drive to the lake, playing outside with Papaw all morning, throwing rocks down by the lake, walking around the 2 mile loop, and driving back home. He and his Papaw had made the trek down to the water and just as they got there, Lucas informed Papaw that he had to poop. Mike's dad ran him back up the hill. When they got the house, Lucas immediately sat and pooped. I couldn't believe it! We were so proud of him!

Friday he did a great job, too. No accidents.

I was concerned about the weekend for a few reasons. We were heading down to the lake with lots of family. We would be off our typical schedule. We would be out on the boat for long stretches. We still have to run next door to Mike's dad's if we have to go #2. I brought Lucas's potty along so we wouldn't have to worry about that. It proved useful for not only Lucas but for all the under 4 crowd that was there! :)

Lucas did great! We put him in a swim diaper on Saturday only because I thought he might poop while swimming in the lake. That's just gross! I had to get over the fact that everybody pees in the lake a long time ago. Lucas spent nearly 3 hours outside and while I'm sure he eventually peed in the swim diaper, he never did poop. When he went up for his nap, he peed and pooped in the potty like a champ! He stayed dry all day long!

Mike had to go in to work (his last time working nights...ever!!!) around 9:00. I let Lucas sleep with me in our room as we are still moving into the lakehouse and beds and sleeping areas are kind of limited. All night long, he kept waking and squirming and saying his tummy hurt. When that happens, he usually vomits everywhere. I was bracing myself, but he never did. When he woke up in the morning, he flat out refused to go pee. He was whining and crying and saying his tummy hurt but he wouldn't go.

I figured out after the fact that he had peed at some point (but not much) overnight and he was ashamed and embarrassed, especially because his aunts, uncles, cousins were all there. Once I reassured him that he was not in trouble and that it was okay to have accidents, he calmed down. Other than that, he didn't have any more accidents all day long! He even pooped twice in his potty! And he stayed dry all the way home from the lake last night!

He woke up this morning and he was dry, too, but he was complaining again that his tummy hurt. I've decided that his little body is figuring out how to hold his bladder (even overnight) and that is causing his tummy to hurt.

All in all, he has really taken off. I was saying to my sister how I think we're "almost" there and she shook her head and said, "You aren't almost there, you are there!"

I'm so proud and happy for my little man. It's almost old hat for him now and I don't even think to remind him as much. He just goes. He just knows what to do! So exciting!

It's a Wonderful Life

2011-06-26T08:08:00.000-04:00

It might be obvious, but one of mine and Mike's shared favorite movies is "It's a Wonderful Life." If you haven't seen it, stop what you are doing and go watch it. Right now!

I loved it when I was a kid, even when I didn't really "get it." I'd flip through the newspaper and circle all the times it would be on during the Christmas season. I'd watch it every single time. Those were the days without DVR (which I actually still don't have), without DVDs, and when I walked to school uphill both ways! :) Most people never understood why I loved the movie so much. It is old. It is in black and white (don't even think about making me watch the remastered color edition). It is pretty sad. It was completely over my head! To this day I don't really understand why I loved it as a kid, either, except it was God working in mysterious ways. I needed to LOVE that movie so that I could share that love with Mike. That's how I think of it anyway.

Well, ironically, I watched it for the first time (as in really watched it and paid attention to the whole movie not just the "every time a bell rings" part) with Mike. We'd figured out that it was both of our all time favorite Christmas movies. So obviously our first Christmas together we watched it. I balled like a baby the whole way through. It was the first time I truly understood the "true meaning" of the story. Being with Mike had a way of opening my eyes to things I'd never seen or felt or understood before, but I digress.

Now we've seen the movie at least a dozen times together. We watch it at least once (if not more) during Christmas. It is our own little tradition. We still cry like babies together. It is such a humbling story if you really watch it. It really makes you think- about life, family, God, dreams, hopes. It's about giving up everything you ever wanted so other people could have what they wanted or needed and finding out in the end that really that's enough.

It is certainly sappy and sentimental no doubt, but one of my favorite things about our shared love is that we both know it forwards and backwards. And we love to quote the movie at various points in our own "wonderful (albeit stressful, crazy) life." One of the hardest parts of the movie to swallow is when George comes home from work knowing he is about to go to jail because Uncle Billy lost all that money. He's crabby and mean to his wife and children. He's so angry with life. All of his kids keep interrupting him and he finally says, "What'd we have to have all these kids for anyhow?"

When things get crazy around our house, one of us almost always breaks out in a quote from "It's a Wonderful Life." There are so many! Lately, when Lucas is crying and Caroline is fussing and the house is piled high with dirty diapers and dirty laundry and dirty cups of half drunk milk and dirty bottles of the same, one of us will look at the other and say in the best James Stewart accent we can muster, "What'd we have to have all these kids for anyhow?" It makes us laugh- whether we were already in a laughing mood or we were ready to pull our hair out.

We are much luckier than George Bailey every was. We have more money, more possessions, more dreams come true. And yet, we still find ourselves throwing pity parties and whining about the unfairness of our lives. I know he was a fictitious character, but real George Baileys are out there among us. They are treasuring what they have and finding ways to make other peoples' lives better.

The least we can do is cherish what we have and be grateful for it all. There is no doubt about it, we truly have a wonderful life. We don't need a guardian angel to help us figure that out. All we have to do is look at our beautiful children, our beautiful love, and all the amazing things we have. And when we need it the most, a beautiful movie to help remind us!

I'm Busy

2011-06-24T17:01:00.005-04:00

Lucas has been listening and repeating things people say for awhile now, but recently I've noticed just how much of an effect my words have on him. It is so strange hearing my voice through his little voice. Some things he says are hilarious and some are humbling. Lately, they've made me reevaluate the words I choose to use around him and towards him.

More than once when I've asked Lucas to do something that he doesn't want to do (usually clean up, turn the TV off, or come inside) he answers back, "I can't right now, Mommy. I'm busy."

The first time he said those words it really threw me off balance. Then it was like I'd been sucker-punched. His words cut through me so deeply because they are so often the words I use with him when he asks me to do something I am too busy (or don't want) to do.

Tonight at dinner I was refilling his glass with milk when he whispered under his breath, "I heard you. Wait a minute." His irritated tone mirrored the one I use with him after he's repeated a request for the 700th time. My heart dropped.

Gosh. "Mommy sure says that a lot, doesn't she?" I asked light heartedly and handed him his milk.

"Yea," he answered back, laughing.

I know he's only 2 and the majority of his moments and memories of us together are happy ones. We read together, sing together, pretend together, eat together, pray together, snuggle together, watch his favorite shows and movies together, and laugh together. We kiss and hug and rub each other's backs. Regardless of how much of a big boy he's growing into or how much he adores his daddy, I'm still his mama. And a mama's boy he still is. When he's hurt or tired or sick or mad at the world (including me), the only thing that makes it better is his mommy.

That's why my words hurt him the deepest. That's why my words make him listen and take notice. That's why I need to slow down and cherish my time with him.

Today, I resolve to stop making him wait on me, to stop being "busy" and just enjoy the moments as they come along. Some day in the not so distant future, I'll be pining after these tender, slow, difficult, ordinary, frustrating, exhausting, wonderful, amazing, heart-wrenching days of his toddler/early boyhood.

On Being Potty Trained

2011-06-22T23:25:00.000-04:00

My big boy at the lake!

Lucas & Caroline in our "safe spot" during the tornado warning

Lucas has made a very big leap this week and I am so proud of him. He started showing interest in the potty just before his 2nd birthday. He wandered in and out of the bathroom to see what Mommy and Daddy were doing, he enjoyed flushing the toilet, and he even liked sitting on the potty to see what it felt like. With a second baby on the way, I was eager to get Lucas out of diapers. I mistook his natural curiosity for readiness. Over Christmas break, I got the bright idea to try to train him. After day 1, I was frustrated, angry, exhausted, and ready to give up. He would sit on the potty, but nothing would come out. Then, once we got him clothed again, he'd pee in his underwear. I know that's normal, but day 2 was even worse. He just wasn't getting it. I realized in a moment of clarity that neither of us were ready for the giant leap. If it was going to happen, both our hearts had to be in it.

Then, just before Caroline was born his daycare starting having all the diaper wearing 2 year olds take two bathroom breaks where they just sat on the potty for fun. Lucas took off like a champ and went almost every time. Even though he wasn't staying dry between the breaks, he was still doing so great! He would even go potty occasionally at home when we prompted him to. With the birth of his sister imminent, I was terrified to take the leap right in the middle of all the other transitions. Once Lucas stopped going to daycare for the summer, he lost interest in going potty because his overwhelmed, sleep deprived mother forgot to keep at it.

After changing two kids' diapers for 6 weeks and noticing that a.) nearly 3 year old diapers are gross and b.) Lucas wasn't traumatized by Caroline's birth in the slightest, I decided it was time to rid him of diapers once and for all.

I must admit, I did not read the 3 Day Potty Training book that so many do. I got the general idea of it from other blogs and message boards. I combined a little bit of that with my favorite parenting expert John Rosemond's suggestions and mixed that with my own common sense and mother's intuition and came up with my own plan.

We started on Monday and it went something like this:

me: Good morning, Lucas! Guess what today is!?

Lucas: What?

me: Today is the day you stop wearing diapers and start wearing underwear like a big boy.

Lucas: Yeah.

me: Let's go sit on the potty and try to go pee.

Lucas: Okay.

**Lucas sits on the potty for half a second and gets up.

Lucas: I can't pee. I want my diaper on.

me: You won't be wearing diapers anymore. Which underwear would you like to put on?

Lucas: Thomas

We proceed to put Thomas the Train underwear on and head downstairs. My initial plan included setting the timer for 30 minute intervals and having Lucas sit on the potty and "try" after each timer went off. If he went, awesome. If he did not, we'd try again in 10 minute intervals. The morning consisted of very little peeing in the potty and lots of cleaning up messes on the carpet and on the hardwood floor. It also included tons of whining and crying for his diapers back. In response I chanted, "no more diapers, no more diapers." He eventually caught on to my catchy chant and started singing along. By noon he was playing along, too. From about noon until bedtime, he only had one mess besides nap time (where he wore his underwear with a pull up over it).

With some initial resistance, Day 1 proved to be a minor success. I was cautiously optimistic that day 2 would be better. My stubborn, strong-willed child begged to differ. When he woke up, we headed straight to the bathroom where he did pee. He immediately asked for his diaper to which I sang the familiar tune, "no more diapers, no more diapers." Even with encouraging him to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so (and then in 10 minute intervals when he didn't go), he managed to pee about half the time in the potty for most of the morning and early afternoon. He was really resisting this change. The me of "Christmas Break past" would have probably thrown in the towel and changed him into a diaper immediately. This time, my resolve was stronger.

While Lucas napped, I had an epiphany. He was pleased with himself when he went potty. He is absolutely capable of doing it. He has all the readiness signs. He is pretty self aware. He is a smart kid. There's no reason why he can't do this. He's just scared. This is a big step toward independence and I'm pretty sure he inherited my fear of change/fear of failing. I decided there was no way we would quit now. I'd just have to mix things up a little bit.

When he woke up from his nap, our conversation went something like this:

me: You had a great rest, Lucas! Let's go pee on the potty.

Lucas: My want my diaper back on.

me: Lucas, I am so proud of you! You are doing a great job going to the potty. I know it can be scary, but you are a big boy now and you no longer wear diapers. Let's go pee.

Lucas: (reluctantly) okay.

After he successfully peed and we changed out his underwear (not potty trained during naps, not even attempting it), we went downstairs. I pointed to his little potty and said, "Lucas, I'm not going to pester you about going pee as much anymore. If you feel like you need to pee or poop, you need to go to your potty. Or you can use the big potty if you'd like. You can ask me for help anytime you need. If I notice you haven't been in awhile, I'll ask you to go, but I know you can do it all by yourself! No more peeing in your underwear, you have to pee on the potty!

This!?!? Worked like a charm. The entire afternoon I only prompted if it had been 45 minutes or an hour since he went. With me pestering less, he started using his intuition more. He didn't have any more accidents on Day 2.

I woke up today (Day 3) with renewed spirit. He was relatively dry from overnight and he eagerly peed on the potty when he woke up. Between my prompting (which was few and far between) and his own sense of independence, he did not have one accident today. He would even stop what he was doing to go pee (and even poop) all by himself on his potty! He napped for nearly two hours and woke up completely dry. He peed on the potty immediately after nap and stayed dry the rest of the evening. We even made a trip to Sam's (where I did put a pull up on over the underwear) and he stayed dry the whole time.

When Mike woke up from sleeping (as he's still on nights), I ran out to Target by myself while he manned the kiddos. While there, I purchased two step stools. When I got home, Lucas was intrigued by the stools. He asked lots of questions so I finally showed him what they were for. I put one in our half bath downstairs and explained that this would help him when he wanted to go to the bathroom on the big potty. He immediately wanted to try it out so I let him. Then I showed him how to scooch the stool over to the sink to wash his hands. He was fascinated and so proud that he had even more independence. I took the other stool upstairs to his bathroom. He immediately wanted to try it out in there too. He did a great job! He peed on the big potty (without prompting) for the rest of the evening. He still needs a lot of help with pulling his pants back on (he takes his underwear and pants completely off and then can't get them back on), but he's doing great and he's slowly figuring out how to get his clothes back on himself. Baby steps!

As I was feeding Caroline her bottle at 8:00 tonight, we all sat on the couch watching Caillou (oh how Lucas loves Caillou) and the Emergency Broadcast System interrupted to let us know there was a tornado warning. This came out of the blue and caught me completely off guard. There was already a funnel cloud spotted 30 miles west (near where I teach) and was heading our way. I got us all packed up and headed downstairs to our "safe spot" in the basement. There were two other storm systems right behind this one that were all coming our way and all producing funnel clouds. I knew it was going to be a long night. I went ahead and put a pull up over Lucas's underwear and just called the night a wash.

However, my stubborn, strong willed child begged to differ. We had been in the basement for about an hour when he said he had to pee. I explained to him that we were downstairs to stay safe and we couldn't go upstairs to pee. He had a pull up on and he could pee in it if he needed to. He absolutely flat out refused! He was clearly holding his pee (and I think getting a tummy ache in the process) so I flew upstairs, grabbed his potty, and ran back down (just as the news was saying my area better be taking cover immediately). I ran to him, hurriedly undressed him, and let him pee. Bless his heart he peed in his potty and his underwear was bone dry.

I wouldn't say he's officially potty trained, but it is safe to say that he "gets" it and we are well on our way! I couldn't be more proud of my little man, but the best part is to see his own pride and sense of accomplishment in the huge adorable grin he wears around. He is gaining independence and freedom at a rapid pace and even though it makes my heart ache, that's what growing up is all about.

Big Girl

2011-06-21T13:55:00.005-04:00

I had just changed Caroline's blow-out of a diaper and so I laid her down on her pink blanky while I threw the diaper away, got cleaned up, and grabbed a clean outfit for her. She has been rolling over (just like her brother) for a few weeks now. When I came back in the room, I caught her with her head up high just about to roll over. I laid her back on her tummy and she rolled over three more times. Just when I decided to whip the camera and video camera out, of course she was too tired. I did get some great shots of her doing tummy time, though. I can't begin to describe how blessed we are to have such a healthy, strong little girl!

And for fun and because I'm a nostalgic sap, here's one of Lucas at approximately the same age (he was 2 months, she's almost 8 weeks). They really look a lot alike! I can't believe it! And they are actually pretty similar in so many ways! I love my sweet little family!

Little Fish

2011-06-20T08:01:00.008-04:00

We went to the lake all weekend. It was the first chance we had to stay from Friday to Sunday and it was great (except the weather). We had storms move in and out of the area for most of the time, but once they passed the sun would come out for just a little while. We managed to spend lots of time at the dock and go on several boat rides. When the rain came, we cleaned and completed tasks that aren't finished at our lakehouse. We also watched movies. And grilled out. And rode into town. It was just so perfect! We still can't believe that our dream of owning our own lakehouse has come true. The best part is, Mike's dad is just a house away. It brings us all a sense of comfort to know he's near. Not to mention that as we are still stocking the lakehouse we can easily run next door for random tools, towels, and ketchup! ;) Oh and we still have to use his house if we have to go #2! I'm sure he'll be glad when we can use our own bathroom!

Our brave boy who jumps off the boat and the dock and swims by himself (with supervision) got even braver this weekend. My sister and her kids came down on Friday so Lucas had his older cousins to watch. I was up at the lakehouse with Caroline and I'm kind of glad. The older kids were running and jumping from the dock. Lucas followed suit, but on his second attempt lost his footing. He didn't fall or hurt himself, he just stumbled over his foot as he jumped in. It shook him up a little, but not enough to deter him. I guess my sister and Mike both overreacted a little when telling to him to be careful because now he gets a running start but gets to the edge and completely stops before jumping. It is so cute!

And now he is jumping in completely by himself. There is always and adult there for his sake, but we don't even touch him. He jumps in, goes completely under, and pops back up. I just can't believe it. I wasn't even doing that at age 2, but when I was older than him I know I was holding my nose with my finger! He has instinctively figured out how to hold his breath and the water doesn't bother him a bit when he goes under. He comes up all smiles!

He is such a blast and we are having so much fun watching him grow at the lake!

A Collection of Sorts

2011-06-16T16:09:00.002-04:00

We've been super busy, but mostly doing really fun things! Except for this week...blah! More about that in a minute.

We recently enjoyed the "perfect" summer weekend. Friday night all four of us went to the drive in movies. We love the drive in so much and are so happy to be sharing it with our kids. In fact just a few years ago, Mike and I sat in the bed of the truck and imagined our kids running around with all the others. We imagined packing a cooler and watching movies under the stars with them. We imagined "splurging" at the snack bar because what's the drive in without the snack bar? We just couldn't wait! And here we are enjoying the drive in with our two beautiful children.

Lucas has been to the drive in several times since his first summer, but this was the first time that he got into it. He ran around, played on the swings, and kicked a soccer ball with Mike. The night was actually pretty cool thanks to a late afternoon thunderstorm so Caroline and I sat in the front of the truck with the windows rolled down until it got closer to show time. Both kids were angels- we were so lucky! Lucas thought it was so awesome to be watching a movie outside and Caroline went right to sleep after eating around 8:00 and slept on my chest the whole time. Lucas fell asleep within the first 15 minutes of the movie! I got to snuggle up next to Mike and enjoy the movie with our children peacefully sleeping beside us. Absolutely perfect!

Saturday we went to one of Mike's college buddy's wedding. It was a beautiful day to celebrate a new marriage! We enjoyed listening to the pastor talk about the significance of marriage and the importance of the commitment. I love weddings so much, especially when Mike is right beside me. It is almost a chance for us renew our own vows in a small way. He leaned over to me about half way through and told me that listening to the pastor made him realize he definitely wanted more children. I got goose bumps because although I STILL want one or two more, Mike has been unsure over the last 6 weeks! :) I leaned in to plant a sweet kiss on his cheek and he asked if I still loved him as much as I did on the day we met. I shook my head no and said I love him more. Such a sap, I know! We are so happy for our friends and wish them so much joy and happiness!

On Sunday, we FINALLY put the boat in for the season. Neither of us could believe it was nearly the middle of June and we still hadn't taken it out. But, with a brand new baby and wrapping up last minute things for our lakehouse, we just haven't had the time. Not to mention the ridiculous flooding made the lake the highest it has ever been in the history of the lake! We couldn't have taken the boat out if we wanted to. And when the flood waters dropped enough to be able to go, we couldn't go, of course!

So we went down on Sunday afternoon. The weather was overcast and even chilly. We couldn't believe our luck (well, yeah we could) that after weeks of relentless sun and 95 degree temperatures it was freezing the day we went down. Luckily, once the sun came out it was the perfect day. My parents rode down and my Mom watched Caroline for a few hours while the rest of us played in the water and went out on the boat.

I couldn't believe my brave little boy. We've been talking about the lake for weeks and pumping him up about jumping off the back of the boat into the water. Last summer he would sit and slide himself in! I assumed we would start from there and work our way to jumping. Nope. He walked to the back of the boat and jumped. Thankfully Mike was one step ahead of him and was already in the water. After jumping a dozen times, Mike's brother suggested to Lucas to jump off the ladder of the dock. Lucas went straight to it and instead of jumping from the ladder jumped from the top of the dock. I couldn't believe it! He jumped over and over and over and over again. On top of that, he swam back and forth from Mike to me completely by himself! Again, I couldn't believe it! We always knew we had a water baby, but now we have a true lake rat on our hands!

Besides our fun weekend, we've been to the zoo and the park and we've enjoyed lots of time in our backyard. Every day I get better and better at handling both kids. It's (almost) old hat!

This week has been a bit crazy. I was fortunate to not have to go back to school before it let out. However, there was a Professional Development conference this week for all high school English teachers in the district. Our state has adopted new English/Language Arts standards and the PD was to get us all up to speed on the changes and new expectations. Our principal made it mandatory to attend the weeklong PD so I had no choice but to go. Luckily, the only mandatory sessions were from 8-11 each morning. I attended one other session, but mostly just the morning ones. My mom watched the kids so I didn't worry at all, but I did get a dose of reality on the challenge of getting three people up, dressed, fed, and out the door by 6:30 each morning. When school starts in August we'll actually have to be out the door by 6:15! Yipes! I learned that I could in fact do it, it will just be pretty darn hard! We will all be going to bed by 8:30 at night!

I'm happy to have gotten the PD out of the way so I can enjoy the rest of the summer. Once August 8 hits, I'll be back in school for meetings, classroom set up, faculty retreat, and PD for the English department. I'm happy to have about 7 more weeks of complete freedom!

We are off to the lake again tomorrow and we have so many fun things left to do the rest of the summer! I can't wait.

Happiness

2011-06-05T20:51:00.003-04:00

After Caroline was fed this morning at 5:30, I decided to go ahead and start my day. The past few weeks I've tried desperately to squeeze in another hour (or at least 20 minutes) of sleep before Lucas wakes up or before Mike gets home, but I rarely get it. When Lucas comes to our room in the morning he immediately wants to go downstairs for breakfast. In an effort to not disturb Mike (who has usually just fallen asleep) I gather up the kids and the remnants of our night and slip downstairs in my pajamas. For the most part I've just gone through the motions- breakfast, Mickey Mouse, diapers, bottles, dishes. Rinse. Repeat. Since our outings and play-dates have been rare thus far, some days none of us make it our of our pajamas.

I know I should cut myself some slack, but I've just been down about this whole adjustment period. I feel like I have gotten us into a decent routine, but that's all relative. We don't go outside to play. I rarely get dressed. Sometimes I don't even brush my teeth until Mike is awake for the day. I know, yuck! I think it is a combination of my exhaustion, my busyness tending to both kids, and the desire to not wake up Mike.

I decided today was going to be the start of our new lives! Tired as I was, I hopped in the shower as soon as I laid Caroline back down. I got dressed, brushed my teeth, and fixed my hair. I did lay back down for about 20 minutes because (of course) Lucas wasn't up yet and Mike wasn't home yet.

I have to say, getting dressed and fixing my hair (and brushing my teeth!) made all the difference in the world. When Lucas came in I was ready for him and we headed straight downstairs. After he was fed and dressed, I came up to get Caroline. I fed her and got her dressed. It was 9:00 and we were actually ready to do something fun! Most mornings at 9:00 I am sprawled on the couch dozing in and out of sleep while Lucas watches yet another Mickey Mouse and Caroline swings.

I woke up this morning and decided we would not turn on the T.V at all today. Not once! I am happy to report I kept that promise and we were so much better because of it! Luckily the morning was overcast so we were able to play outside for over 2 hours. I kept Caroline in the shade by the garage for most of the time, but she came with us to the backyard for awhile, too. Lucas rode his "car" and his "motorcycle" (tricycle), we kicked the soccer ball back and forth, played in his sand table (it used to be a sand and water table but after the disaster of last summer, we are sticking with just sand this year), played on his swingset, colored on the sidewalk with chalk, and had a dance party in the garage! We had SO much fun!

We went in for lunch and naps. Both kids went down easily and napped for awhile. Later we went over to my parent's so Mike could fix some things around their house for them. We left Lucas and Caroline with my parents while we ran up to Home Depot for some things for our house.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened today, but that's what I loved about it. It was a perfect day to realize how lucky and blessed I am.

Today was pure happiness! And as hard as it might be I'm going to try again tomorrow to start my day early and make myself get dressed!

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad NIGHT!

2011-06-04T20:02:00.002-04:00

Last night completely and utterly sucked. I hate using that word, but it is the only way to describe it.

Things were going quite well actually. I should have known better than to think I had this whole thing down to a science. Mike left for work at 6:00 which left me to clean up the mess from dinner, pick up the endless sea of toys, burp cloths, bottles, diapers, and get both kids to bed.

Lucas helped me pick up the majority of his toys and I got all the dirty laundry into the laundry room. I gave Lucas a bath while Caroline watched patiently (for the most part) from her bouncy just outside the door. I got Lucas into his jammies and then wiped Caroline down and got her in her jammies. We all went into Lucas's room for story time, music, and prayers. Lucas went to sleep fairly easy. I swaddled Caroline and put her in her swing. She was out within minutes.

I couldn't believe my luck! It wasn't even 8:00 and both babies were sleeping, the house was silent. I breathed a sigh of relief and then got busy doing dishes, laundry, cleaning bottles, tidying up the kitchen and the rest of the first floor. I created and ordered Caroline's birth announcements. I played on the computer for a little while. Before I realized it was 11:00. I decided to feed Caroline a bottle and then put us both to bed for the night.

As Caroline was finishing her bottle, I heard Lucas cough a little. I thought I heard him throwing up but Caroline was gurgling and snorting so I couldn't tell for sure. About five minutes later, I heard Lucas start crying for me. In between cries he kept saying, "Mommy, look what I did."

I laid Caroline in her bassinet and ran down the hallway. When I turned on the light all I could see was red from his forehead all the way down his chest. My heart dropped. From the doorway (without my glasses) it looked like he was bleeding. On closer inspection I realized he had indeed thrown up ALL over himself and his bed.

He was so upset about it that he threw up again before I could get him to the bathroom. I had him sit over the toilet while I ran around like crazy cleaning up the mess, removing his bedding, getting out new blankets, sheets, pillows, etc. I ran a load of laundry downstairs and put it in the washer. By the time I came back up Lucas had thrown up again on the bathroom floor. I put him in the tub and we washed him clean from head to toe. We waited a little while longer and I thought we were in the clear.

I put an old comforter down on the floor at the foot of my bed. I laid an old pillow, old sheet, and an old blanket down. I went to wash my hands and I heard the awful sound again. This time I just wiped down the comforter and rearranged it so he was in a different place. He threw up one more time before I got smart enough to bring a bucket upstairs for him. Before it was over I just laid a bunch of towels down and he slept on them.

I was up with him until 4:30 in the morning. The last hour he spent throwing up his own saliva (I'm guessing that is what it was) but he couldn't stop. I felt so terrible for him but I was also exhausted. I had him take small sips of water over the course of the hour and that seemed to help settle his stomach. When he finally dozed off without throwing up, I closed my eyes, too. I was still sleeping on the floor with him.

Caroline was ready for her bottle at 5:30. Once she was fed I laid her back down and climbed into my bed. I slept for the next hour and then Mike was home from work and Lucas was waking up for the day. I am thankful that Mike took Lucas downstairs, washed him off, dressed him, and fed him toast for breakfast. I am thankful that when Caroline woke up again at

8:30 for another bottle that he fed her. But after that he handed her over and the kids were mine for the day.

Lucas changed from vomiting to diarrhea today. I called the doctor and they said it was a virus that needed to run its course. They said to keep Caroline away from him if he was still vomiting. I sprayed the entire house with Lysol, washed the rest of the puke stained laundry, and dealt with everyday life with two kids on about 2 and a half hours of sleep.

That's the kind of stuff nobody can prepare you for! Lucas seems to be fine except for his yucky diapers. He never ran a fever and has been playing really well. He napped a little longer, but not much.

But, it is 8:00 again and both babies are fast asleep. This time I'm not worried about chores around the house. Tonight I am going to sleep. I'm praying nothing crazy happens!

Zoo

2011-06-03T21:22:00.004-04:00

Lucas has been begging us to go to the zoo to see the animals. One great thing about Mike working nights (especially the ridiculous schedule he is on right now) is that he gets to play with us in the afternoons! We have a zoo membership and we love going year round! The temperatures have been pretty hot, but we usually aren't there very long so we decided to go ahead and go.

Lucas has always loved the zoo, but he is really getting into it now. Mike gets down on his level and explains things about the animals to Lucas. It just melts my heart! Lucas is really observant too so he often sees things I don't realize he can even see (especially from his vantage point in the stroller). It was pretty hot, but not as hot as it has been. Lucas was so good and Caroline slept the whole time. We really had so much fun!

Lucas always asks to see the zebras, elephants, lions, giraffes, and monkeys so we made sure to see each of those animals. Today he also got a big kick out of the gorillas, snakes, bald eagles, and seals. They just opened up a brand new polar bear exhibit but it was apparently too hot for the polar bears to come outside. I was really bummed out because the old polar bear exhibit was my absolute favorite thing to see when I went as a little girl (and grown up!). I was SO excited to finally see the new exhibit. Oh well, we will be back again and again! I'm sure we'll see them soon!

A few years ago they opened up a little splash park in the zoo which has been a huge success. I almost packed Lucas's swim trunks but in the rush to get out the door, I completely forgot. It was really crowded anyway, but when we went past it, Lucas's eyes got so big and he said, "What's that? Somebody's going down the water slide!" It was so cute. We will definitely try it out sometime this summer!

We had such a great day. Our summer is really turning out to be so wonderful!

Lucas compared to a gorilla!

Lucas and I always get our picture together with the zebras!

Daddy and Lucas discussing the Bald Eagle

Fun Zone

2011-06-02T08:34:00.004-04:00

I have to say that one of the more isolating things about being a working mom is the concept of play-dates. There is no way we could go on one during the week as it is exhausting enough just doing the daily grind. Plus I have reserved the evenings for family time. Even my parents and sister have (reluctantly) acknowledged that I will not answer the phone between 5 in the evening and the time Lucas goes to bed. Those hours are sacred to me.

By the time the weekend comes we have to do chores or run errands or we have our own family adventures planned. Truth be told I don't even really know that many working moms that have children around Lucas's age. So when I hear about all the fun things my stay at home mom friends are doing I can't help but turn a few shades green.

I do feel blessed to be a teacher so I can enjoy the summer months with my kids. It was one of the biggest reasons I so diligently pursued my teaching degree. Thanks to Caroline's perfect arrival time, our summer started early. Our school lets out today actually and I didn't have to go back at all!

Now that I've had nearly 5 weeks to recover and get adjusted to two kids, I was ready to get out! I texted a friend to see if she wanted to do a play-date. She has a little boy 4 months younger than Lucas and a baby on the way who will be about 6 months younger than Caroline! We are not terribly close but our friendship is growing. We met through a mutual friend, but we have done several things together over the past couple of years.

Since we never got a spring this year (seriously it went from 30 degrees to 90), I asked if she had any ideas for beating the heat. She suggested we go to a local kids multi-sports complex for open gym. This is something I have been dying to take Lucas to as I knew he'd love it. I quickly agreed and we made arrangements for yesterday.

The Fun Zone area is reserved for kids 5 and under Monday-Friday from 10-2. The Fun Zone includes inflatable mazes and slides, a ball pit, tunnels, regular slides, and lots of things to climb. Just that kept Lucas entertained for over an hour. Then at 12, they opened up the gymnastics area for open gym (for preschoolers only). I couldn't keep up with him. He took off down several giant slides where he landed in foam blocks. When I finally caught up to him, he jumped on a trampoline into more foam blocks, and my friend helped him get on a rope swing where he held on tight to the rope for over a minute and then let go to fall in the foam blocks. I was shocked that he did that and so proud of him! We went back to the fun zone area for a little while longer and both boys just had a blast!

The best part of all was after 2 hours of hard playing, Lucas was the one who said it was time to go. He grabbed his shoes and put them on by himself. We got home and ate lunch. Then he took a 3 hour nap! Awesome! We will definitely be going back!

I really enjoyed this play-date because the boys were really doing their own thing. They did some things together, but it was nice that we didn't have to worry about fighting or not sharing. And we weren't out somewhere eating. Brittany and I were able to chat some but we also had to keep a close eye on our boys which helped me ease into it (as I can be quite shy and guarded in those situations). I was able to carry Caroline in my sling and keep up with Lucas. Brittany was shocked that it wasn't very crowded but we figured most of the kids that came through the cold winter months were probably at the pool! Perfect for us!

We do have some other ideas for play-dates and I am so looking forward to getting out with other moms. Most of my friends are not moms yet so it is nice to be with the ones who are. It will be nice for Lucas to have some interaction this summer, too since he constantly asks about "school" and talks about his friends nonstop!

We have so much to look forward to this summer!

One Month Stats

2011-05-31T17:58:00.002-04:00

Caroline had her one month check up today. She now weighs 8 pounds, 9 ounces (up a pound and a half) and is 20 and 7/8 inches long (grown almost 2 inches). All of her measurements put her right in the 50th percentile.

The doctor checked her over and said she was picture perfect. I really didn't have too many questions or concerns, but she did answer the few that I had. My only major concern has been her little legs being constantly curled up. I was worried there might be a problem with her hips or muscle in her legs. The doctor said her hips were fine and when she put pushed on Caroline's legs, Caroline pushed back so no concerns with muscle tone.

Caroline has started to get lots of red bumps on her face and her scalp is starting to get dry and scaly. I know that is typical for newborns, but that is also how Lucas's eczema started so I was a little concerned. The doctor said that since Lucas had it, Caroline's chances are increased, but the bumps on her skin right now don't seem to be related to eczema. She reminded me that newborn skin is so sensitive that many things we don't consider could irritate her skin. She added that all the newborns she'd seen that day had similar rashes and she chalked it up to the 92 degree temperatures.

As for reflux, she does have a very mild case. The doctor thinks it will most likely resolve itself as her body gets more adjusted. Since we haven't seen too many signs or symptoms, she isn't concerned. She told us to just continue what we are doing- keep her elevated after feedings and don't force her to eat if she doesn't want to.

Finally (and she'll probably kill me when she's older for mentioning it), she has this dimple right above her bottom. We didn't even notice it until she'd been home from the hospital for a few days. Mike was changing a poopy (which is WAY more difficult with girl anatomy than boy anatomy we have learned) and he kept saying it seemed like there were more crevices than there should be. It freaked us both out a little bit! The doctor said it is actually pretty common and that at first glance she knew it was harmless. She should grow out of it before long, though the doctor warned us that as she fattens up a little it will probably become more noticeable for awhile.

Other than that, the doctor just asked tons of questions about Caroline's eating, sleeping, diapers, habits, etc and was pleased with my answers. I told her that all in all she has been pretty darn easy. She asked if we were finished or if we were considering having more. I told her that Caroline is making it pretty easy to want another one! We want another one anyway, but Caroline has helped seal the deal so far!

My sweet girl had to get her second shot in the Hep B series today. From experience with Lucas, I knew that a.) I could handle it and b.) that I could make it alright for Caroline, too. When the needle went into her sweet little leg, the shrill scream that came out of her made it clear that her heart was broken. But I scooped her up and comforted her and by the time we got outside, she had settled herself down and was nearly asleep. What a trooper!

The practice that we go to is made up of 6 doctors and 3 nurse practitioners. We chose it because that is where my sister's kids go and also because one of the doctor's is the mom of an acquaintance I had in high school. My sister has one specific doctor (the friend's mom ironically) that her kids see whenever possible. While I do love that doctor, I've been pretty flexible about who we see. So far I love every one of the doctors there! They are all so personable and not only take care of my child, they take care of me as a parent by patiently answering every single one of my questions and calming every single one of my concerns and fears.

However, after seeing Dr. Lynch at Caroline's check up, I feel like I've found the one doctor that I love the most. Lucas has seen her several times over the past 2 years and I've always found her to be so wonderful. We saw her for Lucas's 2 month check up just before he started daycare and she made me feel so much better about being a working mom. She was the one who helped us get Lucas's eczema completely under control. She was the one that took one look at the nasty rash on Lucas's bottom area and diagnosed an allergic reaction to his diapers.

She was the one that sat with me in her office today and talked with me about the joys of being a mom of 2. She encouraged me not to compare the two as much as humanly possible. She informed me that (like most second babies) Caroline would most likely talk later but move faster and sooner. She told me that from personal and professional experience, in a few short months (maybe weeks) that Lucas will become Caroline's favorite thing to look at and that she will look up to him from that day forward. She talked to me "mom to mom" not doctor to patient. She never looked at her watch or acted like she was in a hurry. None of that even stemmed from any question or concerned I raised- she was just really excited for my little family.

She told me that from where I am right now, life just gets even better with each passing day. It was so refreshing and reassuring to talk to someone with such positive things to say. Most of the time we hear things like, "Just wait until..." or "It just gets crazier as they get bigger" and sometimes even worse.

I scheduled Caroline's 2 month appointment with her specifically. We can't wait to see her again!

I am so thankful for my healthy, adorable, growing baby girl! Grow, sweet girl, grow!

Caroline Street

2011-05-30T17:52:00.000-04:00

Key West- March 2006

Mike and I have been talking about our children since the first summer we were together (2005). We hadn't been dating all that long, but we knew we would end up together. Just a short year later, we were engaged. By then we'd already named our first baby boy and girl should we be blessed with both- Lucas and Caroline. My heart just leaps with joy when I think of those two little dreams come true!

When I was pregnant with Lucas, everyone knew our "boy" name and our "girl" name. In fact, most people knew it before then. Anytime someone in the family got pregnant we tried to call dibs on our names. Luckily, nobody wanted "our" names! :)

When we found out our second baby was a girl, everyone already knew her name and immediately started calling her Caroline. At the hospital when Mike's sister came she said to Caroline, "We've been talking about you for such a long time that it's nice to put a face with a name!" Indeed we've been talking and dreaming about our sweet Caroline for many years!

We had several reasons for loving the name Caroline, but one of the biggest reasons is because of Jimmy Buffett. Mike and I are both Buffett fans and it is one of the commonalities that brought us so close when we met. I've been listening to Buffett since I was 12 years old. At first I was tortured by him thanks to my parents, but I grew to like him over the years. I knew most of his albums forwards and backwards and especially loved the weird "B-side" songs that most people hadn't heard. This is what impressed my Parrothead husband the most. I didn't just know the popular songs, I knew the obscure ones, too.

Buffett has a song called "Woman Going Crazy on Caroline Street." The song itself is actually quite inappropriate and not at all what I want my daughter to be like. However, in listening to that song together, we found a common love for the name Caroline. When we went to Key West the next year (and got engaged), I was so excited to see the real live Caroline Street that he refers to in his song. Actually the whole week was like living in one big Buffett song! Anyway, when I got my picture beneath the street sign, it wasn't the song we were thinking about. Nope, it was our sweet Caroline! And now that little dream is a reality. I hope she always knows how much she was loved, talked about, and wanted YEARS before she actually arrived!

Thinking about our future baby girl!

This is me "attempting" to go crazy on Caroline Street. Clearly I'm not very good at being crazy!

One Month!

2011-05-29T22:25:00.001-04:00

Caroline Elizabeth is officially one month old! In some ways that sweet baby girl still seems so foreign to me. Though I've dreamt of Caroline for years and years, saying her name still sounds so strange. I can't believe I was blessed with a daughter. I can't begin to describe how thankful and grateful I am for her. I've wanted her since I was a little girl myself and now she's here! Even though she feels a little new to me, when I hold her in my arms and look at her adorable face (that resembles ALL of us), it is like she has always been part of me and our family. I can't imagine my life without her. She is my dream come true!

I am really excited to take her to her one month appointment on Tuesday to see how she's grown. She still seems so tiny to me, but I can definitely tell she's gotten longer. She's even starting to fill out in her cheeks and legs.

She is doing so well eating, sleeping, and growing. She currently takes 4 ounces every 3-4 hours. After most of her bottles she usually has an alert period where we play, read, sing, and do tummy time. Then she naps until her next bottle. She will nap pretty much anywhere which is so great! She even naps in the pack-n-play- something I could never get Lucas to do. However, she does not enjoy her carseat! She will eventually fall off to sleep once the car is in motion, but if she stays stationary for too long she gets pretty upset! This has made being out and about a little bit challenging, but we are figuring it out! At night, she is sleeping in at least 4 hour stretches. On really good nights, she'll even go 5 and sometimes 6 hours! Glorious!

Her umbilical cord fell off within her first week. Since then we've given her a few baths in her tub, but mostly just sponge baths. She is NOT a fan! She makes the cutest pouty face and isn't afraid to let us know how she feels about it!

Caroline enjoys tummy time the more we do it. She is very strong and does a great job holding her head up fairly high and moving it from side to side. She has even rolled over 3 times already. The best tummy time though is when she's laying on my belly! I love when she raises her head and looks right into my eyes. It is one of the best things in life! She also likes to sleep on her belly so I will occasionally let her nap that way if I can keep a close eye on her.

She responds to sounds and will look in the direction they are coming from. She will also follow an object with her eyes (keys, rattles, etc.) from side to side. She loves looking at herself in the mirror and enjoys staring at faces. She loves looking at the light and the ceiling fan. When she is awake, she is very wide eyed and seems to be taking everything in. She really likes to be outside. In fact when she reaches her evening fussy period (somewhere between 6 and 9), she usually calms down if we take her outside for a quick walk up and down the driveway.

Caroline definitely loves to be held, but she's also really good at soothing herself. She is not a huge fan of her pacifier but will take it just after a bottle or when she's trying to fall asleep and can't. She loves sucking on her hand, too!

She is a good sport and will hang out in her bouncy seat for long stretches. We weren't sure she really cared for her swing at first, but she has grown to enjoy it. She loves being carried around in the sling. She likes being upright in her Boppy. She loves napping on our chest. She is curious and wide eyed whenever her brother gets close to her face.

She likes to be curled up in a ball with her legs up to her chest. However, she has started to stretch those legs more and more. She didn't move too much in her first few weeks, but now she'll kick her legs and flail her arms. She even shimmied herself almost completely out of her bouncy seat once.

As for fussiness, she really isn't too bad. During the day she really only fusses if she's hungry or needs a change of scenery. Every now and then she'll cry if her diaper needs changing. Sometimes in the evening she'll have a fussy period, but often if we swaddle her, give her a pacifier, and bounce her a little, she calms down and drifts off to sleep.

This has been such a wonderful month as we've all adjusted to this new girl in our lives. We do have some days and moments that are a little challenging and stressful, but I wouldn't change one single second. I love my sweet girl so much. I love holding her, snuggling her, kissing her, and breathing in her intoxicating infant smell. I love staring at her face which has an uncanny resemblance to my own. I love singing to her ("Sweet Caroline" of course), talking to her, and showing her the world. I love watching Lucas interact with his sister. I love watching Mike with his little girl. We are all just over the moon for her!

Happy one month, sweet, sweet Caroline!

Better Days (and Nights)

2011-05-28T13:26:00.001-04:00

We have all started adjusting nicely to being a family of four. Lucas is a great big brother and it has been such a joy to watch him interact with Caroline. I know he'll be excited when she can interact more back.

Caroline is starting to get into a nice little groove, which has made our days go by more smoothly. She eats every 3-4 hours during the day, followed by some awake time where we talk, cuddle, sing, read, and do tummy time. Then she naps until her next feeding. She's gotten much better about hanging out in her swing and bouncy seat. Meanwhile, Lucas is doing well playing with his toys, reading books, and entertaining himself. He no longer constantly begs me to play with him as he's very content on his own. However, we do spend a lot of time together reading, playing Legos, puzzles, and more. He doesn't seem to mind when Caroline has to tag along and tries to include her. He is so sweet!

Caroline also sleeps longer stretches at night- (always 4 hours, but sometimes 5, even 6). She no longer needs me to hold her for so long. Usually I can just snuggle for a few minutes after her bottle and lay her back down in the bassinet. I know I am quite lucky and I feel so grateful to be getting some sleep myself. Mornings are still a little hairy, but we are surviving.

We have made several trips out as a family and they all have been successful. This time around I am much more laid back which has made going out with an infant much less stressful. With Lucas, I really didn't like changing him or feeding him in public so we would feed him and then we would have a four hour window before we had to head back home. The other day we went furniture shopping for the lakehouse. After four hours, Caroline started squirming, fussing, and rooting. I took her to the bathroom to change her and then walked around the furniture store feeding her a bottle. I didn't think twice about it and nobody else did either. A few days ago, we went to Cracker Barrel for lunch and I had to feed her there, too. All the waitresses and even some customers just oohed and ahhed. I don't know what I was so afraid of with Lucas, but whatever it was I'm definitely over it!

I've ran a couple of errands with both kids on my own and those have improved, too. Even getting us ready and out the door has gotten easier. I just know that I need to allot more time to get everything (and everyone) ready to go. It is nice to get out of the house a few days just to keep us from going stir crazy, especially since the weather has still been pretty rainy. Ugh! I can't wait for some sunshine! Though I've ran several errands, I hadn't used the double stroller until Wednesday. We met my friend Jill at the mall so I definitely needed it. All our other errands were either to a store that had a cart or I made do with the smaller stroller and either put Caroline in and let Lucas walk or put Caroline in the sling and Lucas in the stroller.

At the mall, I wanted them both secure so the double stroller it was. I am such a dork, but I made Mike show me how to fold the stroller and pull it back out and then I practiced a bunch of times. I'm not the brightest when it comes to bulky gear like that and it sort of freaked me out. I had the hang of it and we were ready to go. Of course, when I got to the mall I couldn't for the life of me find the lock by the wheel to pull it back out. I was nearly in tears when a nice mom with a double stroller of her own pulled into the parking spot next to mine. She wasn't able to find the lock either, but she helped me calm down. She said, "These darn things are never easy," which made me smile. She helped for a couple of minutes, but had to get her own kids out. A few minutes later I miraculously found the stupid lock. She was heading in to the mall as I figured it out so she had me show her where the lock was in case she ever needed to know! :) Mike definitely made fun of me when I told him about it, but oh well. I wouldn't have expected anything less from me!

I feel so much more like a human being these days and less like a zombie. I feel like I am starting to find my way as a mom of 2. The past week and a half has been less exhausting and more fun. I'm starting to get both kids on a pretty good schedule and have had fewer and fewer moments where they both desperately need me at the same time. I've even been able to get them both napping at the same time in the afternoon. I know I should use that time to rest or just sit still, but if I do that then the house continuously stays a pigsty. I don't know how or why, but we have to pick up the house at least twice a day. If we skip even one time, the mess just accumulates. I know we need to get rid of some of Lucas's toys and find a better system for laundry and dirty diapers, but we just haven't gotten there, yet.

Other than that, I've found it hard to feed myself. I'm feeling so great this time around as far as recovery goes, but I've had some trouble with not having an appetite. On top of that, by the time I get around to feeding myself, I don't even know what to make or I've lost the small window of time between naps or feedings or diaper changes! Due to this, I have really filled up on junk the last few weeks. I'm giving myself to my 6 week check up and once I'm given the all clear for working out, you better believe I'm going to get myself on a better food diet and an intense exercise plan! Though I must admit I look pretty good for just having had a baby a month ago, I still have 10 pounds to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight. I have about 5 pounds beyond that I really want to lose. I'm not really getting myself worked up about it, but I have struggled because most of my pants still don't fit. Apparently, I do not gain a lot of weight or swell up during pregnancy, but my hips and thighs grow exponentially!

I am so pleased with how things are turning out for our family. Everyone has really adjusted nicely and for that I am grateful. Lucas is a sweet as can be and he is a great big brother. Mike melts my heart when he snuggles with Caroline and calls her his princess. I love holding my sweet girl in my arms and rocking her to sleep. I've equally enjoyed one on one time with Lucas where we've played or ran errands together without Daddy and Caroline. I'm so happy to be getting some sleep of my own. We have most definitely had some really good days!

Bookworm

2011-05-27T11:57:00.002-04:00

Lucas reading If You Give a Moose a Muffin- Fall 2010 (almost 2 years old)

Lucas has always loved and had a fascination with books. We've been reading to him since before birth which I hope has something to do with it. He's always been so curious and loves learning so it seems natural that he'd love to read books. We have read to him every day since birth, too, and he's always been a captive audience. I've heard some kids won't sit still long enough to read a story, but Lucas has always sat wide-eyed for book after book after book after book. As he's gotten older, he's certainly gotten more interactive and fun while reading them. I hope all of these things are signs that he's going to be a good student that loves learning and school. I also hope that means that he'll learn to read with ease.

I am so impressed with how much he has learned and memorized by reading his books. We try to read a variety of stories each day, but he definitely has some tried and true favorites.

The first book he loves is called Silly Little Goose by Nancy Tafuri. I bought this book last year at the Scholastic Book Fair that comes to town biannually. This book is very short and simple, but has been a bundle of fun for us. I have ad-libbed a little bit which probably makes it more fun. Little goose is looking for a place to build her nest. She tries various place on the farm, but realizes they aren't quite right. Then she finds a hat and builds her nest there. She keeps it warm for days and days until the eggs hatch. Lucas loves to make the animal sounds and shout, "crack, crack, crack" as the eggs open up. We read this book every single day!

His next favorite book is If You Give a Moose a Muffin by Laura Joffe Numeroff. He received this for his 1st birthday from his Great Uncle Danny and Great Aunt Susie. When we read it to him that night (so long ago!), Mike really got a kick out of it. It was such a favorite for us to read which is probably why Lucas loves it so much. He calls it "Goose a Muffin" and knows it from memory. I read it to him and at least once a page I pause to let him fill in the blanks. He gets it exactly right every time. It sends chills up my spine that my 2 year old is "reading."

He also loves the Sesame Street Guessing Game Series. They include Elmo's Guessing Game About Colors, Big Bird's Guessing Game About Shapes, Cookie Monster's Guessing Game About Food, and Grover's Guessing Game About Animals. These books were handed down to use from Lucas's cousins. I've also seen them in the dollar bin at Target. When we first started reading them, we really had to work with him to help him "guess." As he grasped more words and understood the "riddles," he was able to guess correctly on his own. Now he has pretty much memorized the books, so he doesn't even wait for the question/riddle before shouting out the answer. At the end of each book it asks "What's your favorite (color, animal, shape, food). I love asking Lucas because his answer changes every time. Then, he turns the question around on me. I truly love and treasure our reading time together.

Finally, he is currently obsessed with a book called It Isn't Fair by Barbara Shook Hazen. This book was published in 1986 and belonged to my sister. I am 99% sure my parents gave it to her after dealing with her baby sister (me) for four years and hating every second of it. The book deals with the ups and downs of being a sibling from the perspective of the older brother (life isn't fair because he always gets in trouble, he's supposed to know better, he has to entertain his younger brother and share his room) and the younger brother (it isn't fair because his big brother gets to do more things, he gets all his brother's hand me downs, his brother makes up all the rules to games, and kicks him out of his room when he has friends over). In the end, they have to stick together because they are both dealing with their new baby sister and all the ways that isn't fair (they have to be quiet, she gets more toys than she can play with, their parents praise her for burping). The moral is that even though they feel like it isn't fair, their parents still love all of them equally. Also that even though life with a sibling sometimes isn't fair, there are more times when it is nice to have someone who is on your side.

This book is really wordy and clearly meant for children many years older than Lucas, but he sits still and takes in every word. He picks it out almost every day. The other night I heard Mike reading it to him and at the end when it gets to the moral, I heard Mike say, "But deep down and way beyond Lucas's understanding level, the boys knew their parents loved each child equally..." I almost fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard! It really does seem like he "gets" some of it and maybe he has some level of understanding, but we don't know why he loves it so much. Still, we read it whenever he brings it.

We read all kinds of other books, too, but these are currently his favorites. We read each of these books at some point throughout the day. Of course there is bedtime where we read at least 3 or 4 other books, too. I absolutely love that time together to snuggle and read.

Caroline has been lucky in many ways because she wasn't just read Goodnight Moon or Guess How Much I Love You or You are my I Love You or Are You My Mother? which were the go to books we read while I was pregnant with Lucas. No, she has experienced daily readings of all of the books mentioned above and more. However, she has had to put up with whatever books Lucas wanted to read. I guess that's what it is like to be the youngest, huh? Maybe she'll love It Isn't Fair, too. She'll have heard it enough anyway! Now that she is here, she has gotten to sit in on most of our daily story times. So far I haven't sat and read to her without Lucas because unless he's napping or in bed for the night, there's no way he'd let me read to her without being in my lap, too. Rest assured, she will get just as much reading time in as our sweet boy. With a mommy like me, there's no getting around it!

As for me? I also have a slight obsession with books- any and all! Chick lit? Yes! Classic lit? Of course! Parenting books? Yep! Prayer books and devotions? Uh huh. Board books/baby/toddler books? You betcha! Now that I teach high school English, I also have a growing collection of Young Adult Literature.

The apple certainly doesn't fall far from the tree which is why I am certain Lucas is so passionate about his books. I can only hope that Caroline will share our love of books, too. I can't wait to enjoy each step of the reading process with my children. There are so many great books for young readers and I can't wait to read along with them! What a great way to spend special time together for years to come!

The Scholastic book fair is actually in town right now. We are most definitely going to do some damage there! I can't wait!

And just for fun, here is Lucas with all of his 1st birthday presents (including lots of his favorite books). He's so little, I just want to squeeze those cheeks!

Too Close to Home

2011-05-26T08:29:00.003-04:00

Last night we had a strong line of severe weather that passed over us. We've had lots of severe weather this season and have made a few trips to the basement (one while I was 9 months pregnant! Fun!). We do not live in Tornado Alley (though the western part of our state does), but this time of year we do usually get terrible storms and the occasional funnel cloud.

I have to admit that I haven't paid too much attention to all the devastating and deadly tornadoes that have swept across our nation. Usually when tragedy occurs, I get so sucked up in it that I am an emotional wreck. I just can't do that with my sweet girl and boy. I have a history with mild depression and that combined with my still unstable hormones is a recipe for disaster. I've protected myself from the pain for the sake of my children. I need to be their mommy first. I know that probably comes across as selfish, but I know myself and if I allowed myself to grieve for all those families and their enormous losses, I would certainly spiral down to a dark place.

However, the tragedy in Joplin has been hard for me to avoid. I usually keep the TV on late at night because even at almost 30 years old, I am scared of the dark! I HATE that Mike works nights. Hate it! So the other night during a feeding, I was flipping through channels and watched Anderson Cooper interview families searching for loved ones. As I already knew I would, I became an emotional wreck. I couldn't control myself.

I wasn't really aware that we had a storm system moving in yesterday. Mike and I (and the kids) were doing some furniture shopping. My mom called me three times in a row yesterday afternoon. She never does this so I immediately thought someone had died (morbid, I know). When I called her back, she said she was going to bring back images of my childhood. She began to lecture that I needed to pack a bag with clothes, water, food, diapers, etc. I needed to get flashlights and a radio. I needed to stay fully dressed and keep Lucas fully dressed, too. She told me to keep my tennis shoes on and make Lucas sleep in his. (Yep! I used to sleep in my tennis shoes when a tornado was coming as a kid. Thanks, mom!)

At first I thought she was overreacting, but then I turned on the TV and all the news channels had interrupted programming to discuss the weather. At the time there were tornadoes ripping through a town about an hour north of us in Indiana but it wasn't heading our direction. Mike said they were just broadcasting it because it was still part of our viewing area. Then the meteorologist panned out and we saw the huge ugly looking storm system heading right in our direction with winds between 70-90 mile an hour capable of producing several tornadoes. The National Weather Service had issued a PDS (particularly dangerous situation) for us which our city hadn't seen in a LONG time. Mike (who never freaks out in a storm) started getting our little hideout in the basement prepared. He decided to go in late to work because the storm was scheduled to hit right as he would be driving. I'm so glad he stayed because I was terrified and would have been more terrified alone with the kids.

We waited. And waited. And waited. The temperature had gone from hot to cool which caused the storm to slow down (thankfully). When it finally passed over us, it was nothing more than high winds and a severe thunderstorm. Just an hour or so west of us, several towns were hit with funnel clouds and even the western part of our city was hit pretty hard. There are lots of people without power and lots of storm damage, but thank God there weren't tornadoes.

This tornado season has been so deadly and scary that I just really felt like something was going to happen to us last night. I am so thankful that we didn't even have to make a trip to the basement. Since the devastating tornadoes have killed so many, I wanted to be sure we were prepared. We now have a makeshift disaster kit in the basement and a makeshift hideout in the safest place in our basement. I completely understand the logic of wearing tennis shoes and I kept them on all night until the news gave us the all clear.

As we were waiting for the storm, Mike (again who NEVER gets worked up) asked me if there was anything in the house that I would be completely crushed if we lost. He agreed that while he normally doesn't get like that, the storm system looked really bad. I made a mental checklist of all the things we had. I couldn't think of one piece of furniture or item of clothing or other "thing"we had that I cared that much about. The first material things that came to mind were all my beautiful pictures and the three pieces of jewelry Mike had given me for our wedding, for having Lucas, and for having Caroline- all extremely sentimental. Then, I thought about how most of our pictures were backed up and even our wedding pictures could most likely be replaced. I had the cross necklace Mike gave me for having Lucas around my neck and even though the sentiment might be lost, the other jewelry could also be replaced. Without another thought I said to him, "Nope. The only things I would be crushed, heartbroken, and devastated if I lost are that little boy sleeping in his bed upstairs, the baby girl in my arms, and you."

Just as my mom always told me growing up, "Everything in this house (and world) is replaceable except you." I think about those families still hopeful and searching for their loved ones. I think about the families who've lost loved ones. I can't imagine their grief. I know that so many lost everything they had, but I can't help but think that if they at least had their loved ones safe to cling to that things would be just a little more bearable. I know I would be upset if everything we'd worked so hard for was leveled to the ground and destroyed, but if my babies and husband were alive and well, I know I would be beyond grateful.

You better believe I held Caroline for longer than normal last night, I went to check on and kiss Lucas several times through the night, embraced Mike a little tighter as he left for work and made him call me when he arrived safely. Above all, I prayed a little harder for those in danger and those living in tragedy and destruction. I prayed a little longer in thanksgiving for sparing us from devastation and for keeping my family safe.

I can't wait for this severe weather season to be over. I can't bear to hear any more tragedies. I don't want one of those tragedies to strike any closer to home than they already have.

In L-O-V-E

2011-05-23T14:55:00.001-04:00

Two and a Half

2011-05-19T13:24:00.005-04:00

I am still having trouble believing that my sweet baby boy is now two and a half. It really does seem like yesterday that we brought him home and started our life as a family of three. If I'm being honest, there have been several times where I've accidentally called Caroline Lucas- especially when she's in a sleeper that Lucas wore. It's not that they look identical (though she does look a lot like him), it is just that I've spent so long cuddling, comforting, and cajoling Lucas that Caroline sounds quite foreign to me at times.

I feel like Lucas has just flourished over the past several months. Even though he was doing so much when he turned two, he does those things (and more) even better now. We have real conversations. He has so much more control over his body. He can run at lightening speed. He can jump so high. He climbs with ease and grace. He not only plays independently, he has a vivid imagination and I think even some imaginary friends. He has learned the importance of putting on a brave face. He's grown to be very empathetic.

His character and personality that we watched take form in his infancy is still very much a part of him today. He has always been so curious and wide eyed. He has always loved to explore the world around him. He has always been hungry to learn. It is amazing to see these characteristics take shape in his two year old body. When he learns a new word, he always repeats it back to make sure he got it right. He asks tons and tons of questions. He mimics and repeats everything we say, even when we are sure he isn't within earshot. He loves for us to explain things to him and it amazes me how quickly he picks up on (and understands) what we say. He loves trying to fix things and put things together. He is fascinated by how things work. His daddy would be so proud if he became an engineer!

Lucas has the biggest heart and loves to help. At first his help really frustrated me, but I've learned to give him simple tasks that he can easily do. He really feels like he is helping and I can see his confidence and self worth just skyrocket. I've recently started letting him help me prepare dinner. His little hand has gotten so steady at holding the measuring cups and spoons and pouring ingredients into bowls. He's even gotten pretty great at stirring. Again, it would be so much easier and faster to do it myself, but I've learned to soak up the time with him. It won't be long and he'll prefer running around outside or helping daddy with cars and tools and boy stuff. I really do treasure those sweet moments together.

He also has a very sensitive heart. No doubt he scored that from his tenderhearted mama. He gets his feelings hurt very easily which has made it absolutely heart-wrenching to discipline him at times. He often feels left out and sometimes he cries for no reason. I can most certainly empathize with the sweet guy! Being sensitive does have its perks. Even at two, he is acutely aware of how other people are feeling. I was having a hormonal postpartum crying spell one afternoon and he came and gave me a hug. Then he ran around the house calling for Mike that mommy was crying. When Caroline cries, he runs to her to tell her that he's sorry. He constantly asks to love on his sister and he gives the best hugs, kisses, and snuggles. If that sensitivity & sweetness stay with him, he'll make for an amazing boyfriend and husband one day, for sure!

Though he is sensitive and kind, he is also strong-willed and stubborn. He most likely got a double dose of this from both his parents! :) I love to see his determination and even though it is frustrating at times, I know it will serve him well as he grows. His strong will has helped him become stronger and more resilient. It has taught him how to defend himself against his 4 year old cousin (they have a love/hate relationship and I think they always will). It has given him courage to try new things. It has helped him gain more independence from his mama and daddy than I'd prefer.

Even though he's become fairly picky as of late, I still think he eats pretty good for a two year old. His favorites include waffles, oatmeal, peanut butter & jelly, cheese, blueberries, bananas, yogurt, grilled cheese, applesauce, corn, peas, macaroni and cheese, and hot dogs. He loves bread of any kind (again, probably inherited that from me). He still has a minor obsession with milk. Unfortunately, we are about 80% sure he has a mild intolerance to it so we've limited his intake, but not by much. He likes juice and water, too. He doesn't like soft drinks at all and I'm happy to keep it that way. There have been a few times I didn't have anything other than a sip of Sprite or Coke to offer and he refused every time. He does like tea, though! He likes cookies and candy, but he does NOT like ice cream. This amazes me. I'd almost doubt he was my kid except he looks like me, acts like me, and has most of my personality traits! :) I think if he could get past the coldness he'd really like ice cream, but he can't get past the coldness. More for mommy, I suppose.

He isn't potty trained yet, but I think he is ready. He can tell me that he needs to go and almost every time, he actually does. Now that we are home for the summer and we've had a few weeks to adjust to the baby, I think we are both ready to give it a go.

Lucas loves his family and is extremely loyal. He adores all of his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We talk about them all the time and he loves to talk to them on the phone. I can always tell when he misses someone because he talks about them nonstop and even incorporates that person into his playing. He misses his Papaw so much that for the past week we have pretended to go to Papaw's house in various forms and fashions. He loves to follow his daddy around and he is smitten with his baby sister. I feel so lucky and blessed that even now when all else fails, he still finds the most comfort from his mommy. He certainly is a mama's boy (for now).

He is currently obsessed with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, trains, pirates, legos, kitchens (his play kitchen and real kitchens), and puzzles. He still loves books and wouldn't mind being read to all day long. That makes me beyond happy (you know as an English teacher obsessed with reading!). He likes to play outside so I really can't wait for the weather to warm up! The one major thing that terrifies him is bugs. It just kills me that he'll climb and jump and fall head first to the ground without tears, but he shrieks in terror at the sight of a bug. I personally don't like bugs either, but he is a boy and I don't think he should be afraid of bugs. I've gone so far as to pick up a spider and allow it to walk across my hand without flinching to help him with his fear. We are making some progress, but overall he is not a fan.

Lucas is just an all around great little boy. He is wild, tough, and dare-devilish at times and at others, he loves to be held and needs his boo-boos kissed. He rarely throws tantrums (usually when he's tired or out of his element) and isn't even that defiant (though he still exasperates me at times). He does have a time out spot on the stairs for major meltdowns and major behavior issues, but within seconds of being there, his cries stop and his behavior improves. He has the deepest belly laugh that just melts my heart. He gives the best kisses and the tightest hugs. He makes us laugh and keeps us on our toes. He adapts to things easily and most of the time can just go with the flow. He is so much fun to be around and we just love him to pieces.

I wish I could freeze time and enjoy him like this just a little longer. I know that is impossible, so I'm doing my best to soak up every moment with him. When I find myself frustrated, I try desperately to take a deep breath and let the frustration pass me by. Most of his mistakes and misbehavior are a product of his age and his natural curiosity. Even in those times when I find myself ready to rip out my hair, I wouldn't want to change one single bit of his little personality. I love him just the way he is and it still amazes me that he is mine, that I helped create him and mold him in to who he is. I absolutely love watching him grow and change and develop over time. I'm so excited and curious for what his future holds!

I Never Bathed Today

2011-05-18T12:43:00.005-04:00

Those were my thoughts as I briefly laid down my head on my pillow last night. I knew I had maybe an hour before sweet Caroline would be up again so I figured I better rest up. Among other things, I did not get a chance to take a shower or even wash my face! I am pretty sure I brushed my teeth, but I never got out of my pajamas. Mike was totally jealous that I never got out of my PJ's, but if he'd been here instead of me, I am positive he would have jumped out a window!

Things really aren't that bad, but it has been a really big adjustment to be here all night, all morning, and most of the afternoon all by myself with the two kids. And since Caroline decided to stop being the easy, good sleeper that she was her first week, I have been walking around looking and feeling like a zombie. We still don't have a routine (with either kid) just yet, but I know we will get there. I'm still just trying to survive minute to minute! We'll all adjust accordingly in a few weeks time, I'm sure.

Yesterday, we were all awake quite early. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to get Caroline's feeding schedule to match up with when Mike gets home from work. He'd love to feed her to spend time with her and to help me out, but so far it just hasn't happened. Lucas has been waking up earlier and earlier (rats!) which only adds to the chaos of morning. When Mike gets home he usually takes Caroline for me if she's awake and fussy (which she usually is). I take Lucas downstairs and make his breakfast. I then head back upstairs and take Caroline from Mike's arms just as he's about to pass out from his own exhaustion from work. I take her downstairs along with a trash bag of dirty diapers from the night and the 3 or 4 dirty bottles. Lucas watches a few Mickey Mouse episodes to save my sanity. At some point we get dressed- usually. I haven't braved another errand out on my own and it has been cold and rainy so we haven't done much but stay indoors. That definitely doesn't help. I am looking forward to just a few short weeks- warmer weather and my mom & sister will be off for the summer! We'll have lots more fun things to do!

We really don't do much, but it seriously exhausts me. Hold and comfort fussy baby. Try to put her down so my arms can get a break. Play legos, pirates, puzzles, kitchen with Lucas. Try to get Lucas to play some on his own (which he does do!). Change Caroline. Feed Caroline. Change Lucas. Encourage Lucas to go on the potty. Get Lucas a snack. Hold and comfort fussy baby. Try to find a place she might be happy for 10 minutes- swing (sometimes), bouncy seat (maybe), on a blanket propped up by the Boppy (not likely). Since she's fussy anyway, do some tummy time (which she HATES!). Lucas joins her for tummy time. He encourages her and shows her what to do (such a good brother). My one savior has really been the baby sling that I bought. Once I get it configured and get her in (after some screaming), she usually is right at peace. Lucas is dying to get in it! He keeps saying, "My go in there, mommy!" Um, no!

Yesterday, I miscalculated feeding schedules and ended up with two hungry, cranky children at the same time. I've gotten lots of advice (unsolicited, of course) that I should tend to Lucas first anytime they both need me unless Caroline is in dire need. This will apparently show Lucas that he hasn't totally been replaced. Nice in theory! In reality? Really difficult. I made Caroline's bottle, then sat her down in her bouncy. On this of all days, Lucas couldn't make a decision on what to eat. He finally settled on PB&J and I set off to make it, but Caroline was screaming mad. I couldn't take it, I had to pick her up. Lucas decided at that moment that he just HAD to use the potty (though he's not potty trained yet, I don't want to discourage him so we go anytime he asks). I should have just asked him to wait until after lunch, but I didn't. He climbed down from his booster seat at the table and proceeded to bang his head on the corner of the table. Now, I had two screaming children, neither of which were fed.

Lucas came lunging at me to hold him. I had Caroline in one arm (wailing) and Lucas in the other (wailing). I couldn't get either of them to calm down so I just sat on the kitchen floor and held them both while I composed myself. I started to cry myself. I cried a few pitiful, "woe is me" tears and then out of nowhere I started laughing uncontrollably. Laughing until I myself needed to go to the bathroom. Though it felt like an eternity, the moment did in fact pass. I got Lucas's lunch underway. He forgot about having to potty. He forgot about his aching head (thanks to kisses from his mama). I got him settled and then sat down to feed my girl.

By the time Mike got up for the day, Lucas was napping, Caroline was napping, the house was picked up, dishes were put away, bottles cleaned and sterilized. I was folding blankets when he came downstairs. He looked around for any sign of chaos and then gave me a big hug. "It's not so bad, is it?" He asked as he rubbed my shoulders. I gave him the look of death. (On a side note: How does he sleep through all that craziness? Ear plugs! Plus, he could probably sleep through a tornado. It's a good thing, I feel like a tornado goes through our house every day!)

As we were talking, Lucas started crying from his bed. He hadn't napped for very long and he really NEEDED to! I said I would go upstairs and lay with him until he fell back to sleep. Three hours later, we both woke up! Three hours! Mike stayed on Caroline duty and didn't bother me at all. I woke up and felt like a brand new person! When I came downstairs, he was walking around with a fussy baby girl. He looked at me and said, "You make it look so easy." I just smiled and said, "It isn't so bad!"

And it really isn't. This is the life I signed up for. It isn't pretty at times, but most of the time it is. I love my family and this crazy life we share. I have two beautiful babies and a supportive, helpful, loving, wonderful husband. All I have to do is look at Caroline as she's sleeping peacefully to see just how lucky I am. All I need is for Lucas to wrap his arms around me in a tight squeeze to know that I am blessed. All I need is to sneak precious moments of alone time with Mike to know we have it pretty darn great.

So what if sometimes I don't get to bathe or eat lunch and I have to survive on a couple hours of sleep!?! This time to be with my children, to raise them, and watch them grow before my very eyes completely makes up for it!

Cut it in half

2011-05-15T07:58:00.005-04:00

I wish I could bottle up Lucas right now and keep him this way forever. He does and says so many cute and funny things. I know some of them will be forgotten, but I'm trying to remember as much as possible.

He repeats everything we say! When we call him a parrot, he says, "No my not. My Lucas." He has a strong understanding of pronouns but he uses them incorrectly. He confuses I with me and my. He usually says your instead of you. When I am looking for him or we are playing hide and seek and I ask where he is, he jumps out and says, "Here me are." It is so adorable and I know soon enough he'll be talking correctly, a fact that is actually quite bittersweet for me.

The other day when we were blowing bubbles, he was using a wand that wasn't producing many bubbles. Every time he would blow and just a little would come out, he'd shake his head and say, "Not much." He still takes me aback when he says things that sound so adult like without actually hearing it from an adult.

He is very strong willed and quite stubborn. In most cases he strongly announces, "No my do it." He's also started saying "No my can't" for everything, which I've determined actually means "I don't want to." It is one of the things he does that is exasperating. "No my can't like it" when asked to eat something other than a hot dog. "No my can't do it" when asked to help clean up, go to bed, or whatever else.

But my absolute FAVORITE thing is that he calls a knife a "cut it in half." If you show him a spoon, he says "spoon." If you show him a fork, he says "fork." If you show him a knife, he says "cut it in half." I wasn't even aware of this until my parents brought him home one night after their Thursday night dinner. My dad asked me if I knew what Lucas called a knife. Well, no, I didn't as I've never given my son a knife. They must have been at a place that had plastic utensils and everyone got one of each. My dad said Lucas immediately picked up the knife and said, "cut it in half."

I laughed so hard and still do. It makes complete sense when I think about it and it amazes me at the same time that he came up with it all on his own. When I make him a meal, I give him his fork or spoon or both. Then, if there is something that needs to be cut up, I take out a knife and ask him if he wants me to cut it in half. Since I've never identified a knife for him before, he just made the connection that I asked to cut it in half whenever a knife was present. Thus the knife is now lovingly referred to as a "cut it in half" in our home.

It breaks my heart to know that Lucas will grow out of this tender stage so quickly. His words are often jumbled, his voice is so sweet and innocent, and his word mix ups keep us clutching our stomachs in laughter. He tries so hard to learn new things and he is sharp as a tack. Soon enough he'll be saying things the right way and his voice will subtly deepen with time. His innocence will slowly slip away as he meets the cruel world. I am really trying to slow down and cherish all our little conversations and do my best to imprint them into my memory. He won't be this small for long!

Ramblings and Outings

2011-05-14T12:08:00.003-04:00

In her first week, Caroline and I made it out of the house a few times for her doctor's appointment, a visit to her Great-Grandma's, a trip to Home Depot with Mike (because I was so stir crazy), and even a Derby party!

This week, we were a little more low key. We did go down to the lake as a family on Tuesday. Mike wanted to drop a bunch of things off at the lakehouse and I wanted to see all the new changes since I hadn't been in nearly a month. Other than that, Caroline and I stayed home.

Mike's mom stayed with us for the week and between her and Mike, all my errands were taken care of. I got another week of loving up on my sweet girl while his mom entertained Lucas (and cooked and CLEANED my house!). She cleaned and scrubbed floors, made my bathrooms sparkle, changed the linens on all our beds, vacuumed, did the dishes and our laundry (I definitely had to let go of my privacy issues as she even folded my underwear!). She insisted that I didn't lift a finger except to take care of Caroline. Even then she tried to do as much for me as possible. To say that we are blessed is an understatement.

And while I appreciate everything she did for us and it was great while it lasted, by about Thursday (maybe even Wednesday), I was ready for us to get started with our "real" life. Lucas was so spoiled rotten by his Grammy that he'd turned in to a devil child. He was completely off schedule, he started (trying) to boss all of us, and started telling me "No mommy, not you" any time I tried to play with him, help him, feed him, or tuck him in. He turned in to the whiniest, poutiest, tantrum throwing toddler I'd ever met. He threw the biggest tantrum of his life on Thursday and that's when I snapped. So be it that I wasn't supposed to be picking him up, I picked the kid up and stuck him in time out for the first time since Grammy had arrived. I didn't care if she thought I was evil! He is my child and he is NOT going to act like that. After that, he got a little better, but he definitely needs a break from his Grandma! They love each other so much and for that I am grateful, but mama had to draw the line. Luckily Grammy is so understanding and all day Friday she even tried to help rid him of his whining and crying.

With the exception of the lake trip earlier in the week, I had not left the house. Mike had to work the weekend (yet again). He had to go in last night at 6 p.m. instead of 8 p.m. to work a 12 hour shift. (I shouldn't complain because he is getting paid overtime, but it is starting to get ridiculous!) He got the bright idea to have me meet him for dinner at the Outback by the plant. I was actually going to take the kids with me, but Mike's mom (bless her) offered to stay a little longer to watch the kids while Mike and I ate alone. I was so excited to have 2 hours of alone time with Mike. This has not happened in months thanks to the crazy nature of his job right now. I was slightly reluctant to leave my sweet girl, but it was literally for 2 hours. I knew she was in good hands, too. Lucas went to bed easily and Caroline was fed so all she had to do was hang out and hold the sweet girl, which she was more than happy to do.

That was the first time I'd been behind the wheel in two weeks. It felt strange to me and it felt even stranger being in the car alone. Mike and I had a wonderful dinner. We talked and laughed and continued to dream about our crazy, wonderful life. We talked about our sweet kids. We talked about how nervous I was to have them on my own but how excited I was to get us all into a routine. We talked about the fun things we want to do this summer with our family. He made me feel so beautiful and so good about myself and my body. Even two weeks later, he is still cheering me on for being so brave. After dinner, we sat in the car for a few minutes to talk some more. It was sweet and reminded me of all the times we used to meet up for lunch when we were dating. We would sit in the car and dream about our future kids and our future life together. Now all those dreams have come true and we are still crazy about each other! I feel so lucky and blessed!

This morning, I was determined to make a trip to Target with both kids in tow. Since Mike had to work a 12 hour shift, he was exhausted when he came home this morning. He did help a lot this morning so that I could actually pull it off. He snuggled with Lucas in bed and watched "Handy Manny" with him while I took a quick shower and then he helped with Caroline while I fed Lucas and got him dressed. Then I fed Caroline, dressed her, and packed her in the carseat. I got the diaper bag ready, got Lucas into his carseat, then Caroline into the car. Phew! I was already exhausted before I even started the car.

Our main reason for going to Target was to get the little boy some more bubbles. He and Grammy had a big time blowing bubbles all week, but after a slight mishap, all the bubbles spilled out and they were left with just an empty bottle. Lucas has been waiting patiently (for the most part) for me to take him to Target for more bubbles. I also needed to pick up a few things for around the house and I really just wanted to get out!

Things went well for the first oh 10 minutes, but then Caroline (who HATES her carseat) started wailing. I was really torn. Should I keep shopping quickly for the few absolutely necessary items? Should we just pack up and leave? Should I get Lucas's bubbles and then make a beeline for the door? I just decided to pick her up and hold her while I got the most important items on my list. Bubbles? Check! Toilet paper? Check! Paper towels? Check! Feminine products? Check! I was proud at how I maneuvered around the store with only one hand. Just before we checked out, I put her back in her carseat. Of course she wailed, but I calmly put our things on the counter and paid the cashier. Just as we were walking through the automatic doors, she became silent and when Lucas and I checked on her, she was out cold. Sigh.

Important things I observed about shopping at a store with an infant and a toddler:

1.) After both kids and the diaper bag, there is NO room in the cart to buy anything. This (and Caroline's wails) most likely saved us a good $50.

2.) Next time, I should probably bring my sling (which Caroline LOVES). Thus solving the wailing child and the no room in the cart issues.

3.) Surprisingly, my "Grammytized" toddler was the easier child to deal with (on this trip).

4.) Even though it didn't go exactly the way I wanted it to, it really wasn't that hard to load the kids up and go. This brings me hope for the rest of the summer!

5.) When we came home, all three of us needed a long nap!

Two Weeks Old!

2011-05-13T22:56:00.003-04:00

Snuggle time with Daddy! So sweet!

I can't get a good picture because she's ALWAYS gnawing or rooting! Hungry girl!

My how things can change in a week! Caroline is still sweet as can be, but easy? Not so much! I think she hit a growth spurt this week because she has been wanting to eat like crazy! She has been extra fussy and only calms down when she is being held. When she was in the hospital, the nurses were slightly concerned that she might have some reflux issues and warned us that those symptoms mimic those of being hungry- fussy, gnawing on hands, rooting, etc. But since she left the hospital, we haven't noticed any reflux issues. I was concerned that she might be constipated as Lucas had major issues with this in his first few weeks. But though she isn't going every day, she is having normal "poopies." I determined I would just feed her every 3 hours if that's what she wanted/needed. She is currently eating between 2.5 and 3 ounces every 3 to 4 hours. She never takes more than the 3 ounces so it is useless to give her more.

As for sleep, she definitely wants to be held and rocked and loved to sleep and then she wants to be held while she sleeps. This goes for day and night. Right now I am in survival mode and am just doing whatever works to soothe her. I remember doing this with Lucas, too. He turned out just fine. The experts say you can't spoil a newborn (though everyone else seem to tsk tsk at me). I must admit, nighttime is especially difficult by myself now that Mike is back to work. Luckily, I have had his mom with me this week and she has been a HUGE help during the day, especially with Lucas. She has pretty much entertained him all week so I could focus on my sweet girl. I think we are all in for a rude awakening now that she is gone!

She has more periods of the day where she is alert. She loves to stare at me and I love to stare back. She seems to want to look at the world and observe it just like her big brother! She is the sweetest little thing. We still can't get over how stinkin' adorable she is. How can we not pick her up, hold her, and let her fall asleep in our arms? She is way too precious!

I fall more in love with her as the days go on. Even in the midst of her cries, I just love her to pieces! I am treasuring every moment with her!

Cuteness

2011-05-10T16:18:00.003-04:00

I am so in love with my little boy and my little girl. They melt my heart to pieces. Lucas is so sweet with his baby sister. He is so concerned for her and he loves her so much. I can only imagine how smitten Caroline will be with her big brother once she figures out she has him. I couldn't be any happier with these two sweet blessings!

My BIG boy!

Big Brother, Little Sister

Sibling Love

Precious

Great Grandparents & Namesakes

2011-05-09T13:56:00.005-04:00

This past Friday, my mom came and picked us up and we went over to my Grandmother's house. She is the only grandparent that is still living on my side of the family and she is very sick. Within the past few years, she stopped going out of the house except to doctor's appointments. She absolutely LOVES Lucas and she loves for him to visit. My mom takes him in pretty regularly- anything to help my Grandma smile. She was excited to meet Caroline, too. My mom had the day off school on Friday so we thought it would be the perfect day to stop by. Grandma had a brand new bucket of toys for Lucas to play with, she loaded him up on mints and candy, and drew pictures with him from the comfort of her chair. She spent almost all of the visit holding Caroline. I pulled my camera out and said, "Grandma, do you mind if I take your picture?" She replied, "Yes, actually, I do." (My family has a weird thing about having their pictures taken.) To which I responded, "Too bad, I'm taking your picture anyway." To which she replied, "I figured." We all had a nice little laugh! :)

My relationship with my Grandma has never been particularly close. Probably because her relationship with my mother has always been strained. I haven't always agreed with how she's treated my mom and I haven't always understood why my mom continues to put up with so much just to be around her family. However, I can appreciate that my Grandma is growing old and is very ill. She hadn't left the house in close to 6 months (except for doctor's appointments), but she specifically asked my aunt to take her to Target to buy Lucas's first birthday present. Her eyes light up when she sees my child (and now children). To give her some peace and joy is the least that I can do.

Grandma Mary Ann

Four Generations

Four Generations with both babies!

On Saturday, we went as a family over to Mike's uncle's house for a Kentucky Derby party. We debated back and forth about exposing the little miss to that many people, but in the end we decided it would be a great way for her to meet most of Mike's family. Once we got there, I was immediately glad that we went. Mike's grandparents were there and his Grandpa got to meet Caroline for the first time.

Now, Mike's grandparents are the real deal. Mike had the best childhood in the world thanks a bunch to his Grandma and especially his Grandpa. He is so close to his Papaw and tells the best stories about their adventures together (mostly at the lake). Papaw has also been sick for the entire time I've known him (almost 7 years), but he just keeps overcoming one thing and then another. There have been two times specifically where we thought we were going to lose him, but he pulled through. Papaw means so much to Mike that we made Lucas's middle name Joseph after him. Even though there are a ton of "Josephs" in the family named after Papaw, he seems to be SOOO proud of our Lucas. He won't even call him Lucas, he calls him little Joe.

We are blessed beyond belief that he was here to meet Lucas. It was something that was beyond important to Mike. We were not sure whether or not he would be around to meet any more of our babies, but he proved us wrong again! He got to meet our Sweet Caroline! As we were leaving the party, I hugged and kissed him. He grabbed my hand and said, "You should be very proud, you have a fine looking family." Both of our eyes welled with tears. I am very proud! But I am even more proud that they got a chance to know Papaw Joe!

Caroline & Papaw Joe (Lucas's namesake)

And finally, Mike's grandmother got to hold and love on her little namesake, too. Mike's grandmother is just as special to Mike and to me. She is so full of energy and life. She could nearly run circles around us and she is always on the go! I have always loved the name Elizabeth. I knew one way or another Elizabeth would be part of my little girl's name should I ever be blessed with one. Before I knew Mike, my girl name of choice was either Elizabeth Anne or Elizabeth Rose. I was sure I was going to call her Libby. While I still absolutely adore Elizabeth as a first name, Mike and I discovered the name Caroline together and we were sold. I immediately wanted to use Elizabeth as her middle name and was so pleased to know that Mike's Grandma's name was Mary Elizabeth (but she goes by Betty). She is beyond proud that we named our daughter in honor of her and she doesn't let anyone forget it! :)

Caroline & Grandma Betty (Caroline's namesake)

Obviously, family names are important to me. I just think it is a nice way to honor family members. Clearly, the names we chose are in honor of people that we love, look up to, and admire. I like that we used these names as their middle names, so they still have their own identity, though!. I hope our children are as happy with the names we've chosen for them as we are and that they feel an attachment to their namesake as they grow older. When (hopefully) we have another child, I have so many family names in mind for a boy or a girl that it will be difficult to choose!

One Week (and 2 days) Old!

2011-05-08T17:44:00.004-04:00

Today has been such a great Mother's Day! Caroline slept wonderfully last night- exactly four hours between each feeding! I felt great this morning! Then, Mike took both babies and let me sleep in and take my time getting ready. He also made me a big breakfast and had cards from him and the kiddos for me. For my Mother's Day gift, I have a gift card to have laser hair removal on my underarms (random, I know, but it is what I wanted!)!! I have the best family!

We went to Target to pick up a few odds and ends. It was one of our first outings with all of us and it seemed to take forever to get out the door. However, we tag teamed and did just fine. I got all the "gear" packed and ready and he got the kids. On the way home from Target, we stopped by McAlister's Deli for some carry out. I was so excited to get a free tea because I am a mom! When the girl asked if I was a mom, I proudly responded, "Yes, times two!" :)

It has been a great first week with our second baby! If we thought Lucas was easy (which for the most part, he was), then we hit the jackpot with our sweet girl! She sleeps most of the day, but has quite a few periods where she is awake. She loves to be held, but she will also hang out in her bouncer, swing, bassinet, carseat, and even the floor for long stretches without fussing. She eats really well taking between 2 and 2 and 1/2 ounces at a time every 3 to 4 hours. At night, she almost always sleeps at least 3 hours, if not 4 hours between each feeding. I feel so much more normal this time around. Lucas seemed to take forever to get his days and nights corrected and I walked around like a zombie for the first few months!

She had one bout with gassiness/constipation, but since it happened with Lucas, I knew exactly what to do. By the next day, she was regular again. We are crossing our fingers it was just that one time!

She has such a sweet little personality and we are so in love with her. She seems really laid back and already goes with the flow. Lucas runs and jumps and screams around her and she doesn't even flinch. She stays really scrunched up all the time with her legs up to her shoulders almost. She must have spent the whole time in my belly that way! It is just so adorable.

She also makes the sweetest little faces. We just stare at her for hours on end. She must have a lot of gas, too, because she smiles ALL the time. It is the sweetest little thing, even if she's not doing it for real just yet! She loves looking around and loves staring into faces.

She is such a little peanut. Perhaps it is because she likes to be so scrunched up or because she is a full pound lighter than her brother, but she just seems so tiny. It is hard not to want to scoop her up all the time! I just love her more than words can say!

So far, the second time around has been much easier. I am so much more laid back and I feel more confident in my capabilities. I haven't even cracked one of those baby books and I haven't gotten overwhelmed or frustrated. It helps having such an easy baby, that's for sure.

What a wonderful gift for Mother's Day- a brand new life that made me a mommy again! I feel like the luckiest person in the world.

The Big Brother

2011-05-05T15:23:00.005-04:00

I can't even begin to describe how proud I am of Lucas. I've been filled with emotions over him becoming a big brother since the day we found out he was going to be one. As my pregnancy progressed, my worry, fear, and doubt only grew. All kinds of people told me that he would be just fine. Even one of my doctors told me that 2 and 1/2 was a perfect age to have another one because most of his long term memory still isn't developed. By the time he is old enough to have real memories, he'll never remember a time without his baby sister. Deep down in my heart I knew he would be fine, too, but he was my baby and it killed me to think I might be breaking his heart.

Someone also told me that he wasn't the first big brother and he wouldn't be the last. Somehow those words put it in perspective for me. Mike and I are both the "babies" of the family so we have absolutely no way to relate to Lucas. But thinking about all the families out there made me realize that being a big brother was inevitable for our little man, especially if we want a big family!

Lucas came to visit for the first time around 10:30 Friday morning. His Papaw and Mamaw had bought him a big brother shirt and he came racing in to the room. I'm so glad I had slept a little and felt well enough to pull him on my bed and wrap my arms around him. Caroline was in her crib and I am really glad. He immediately asked to hold her so we all rearranged ourselves so he could. Just as quickly as he wanted to hold her, he was finished. He spent the rest of the time running around the hospital room and playing with the toys Caroline had given him.

He visited us the next day early in the morning and later that evening. He was totally off his sleep and eat schedule so he was a bit cranky. I confused his crankiness with sadness and my heart just broke for him. I was even more nervous to come home as a family at that point.

When we finally were discharged on Sunday, I couldn't decide how to get us all home. I finally decided to have my parents bring him home so he would be at his house when we arrived. He was really interested and curious to see Caroline. He narrated everything she was doing all afternoon. He was very concerned when she cried. He was all about her! And at the same time, he just went and played in his play room like normal. He really didn't seem all that phased by her.

Later, he helped daddy put batteries in the swing for Caroline. When she cried, he patted her head and said, "It's okay, Caroline." When she ate, he "helped" feed her. He threw away her dirty diapers. As I watched him, my heart swelled with pride. I knew he would be a great big brother. I knew he would be Caroline's protector from day one. Caroline is one lucky little sister!

When night time came, his emotions finally came out. He was already so off schedule that I knew it would take a miracle to get him to bed. We went through his normal routine and tried not to even mention Caroline. Thankfully, Caroline got the memo and didn't make a peep. Daddy and I both hugged him, kissed him, and loved on him a little more than usual. I even laid with him through a few songs. I kissed him one last time and headed out the door. I knew it was only a matter of time before he was standing outside his door (though this is actually pretty common as he's still adjusting to his room).

We had to put him back several times. As we got ready to go to bed (around 9:30), he started crying uncontrollably and yelling for mommy. I went back in and this was the one and only time I have felt like he had a broken heart. I held him and hugged him and tried to get him to calm down, but he was nearly inconsolable. I finally told him that I couldn't help him if he didn't calm down and use his words. He did calm down, but he couldn't find his words. He just kept pointing out into the hall. I am positive he was pointing toward Caroline, but I didn't want to put words in his mouth so I just pulled him near me and rubbed his face.

I tried to get him to lay down with me on the pillow but he wouldn't. It was like he needed me so badly, but he was also really upset with me. I just hugged him and told him I loved him, that I would always love him no matter what. He finally laid his head down and I rubbed his back and head until he drifted off to sleep. He woke up a completely different kid!

We made the decision to send him to daycare all this week. It was the best thing for all of us. The night before, I had made a collage on the computer of pictures of Caroline and him. He took that in to school and showed it off. All of the teachers and the older kids attacked him on the way in. Mike said he was like a "mini" celebrity and he was having a blast getting all the attention. There was one day where he had a little bit of an "it isn't fair" moment. On Tuesday, we all loaded up in the car and dropped Lucas off because Caroline had her first check up. As Mike took him in to school, he said "Caroline needs to go to school, too." Mike said he started to melt down a little and Mike just said, "Caroline is going to her school." Lucas was completely fine with that answer and we never heard another word about it!

When he gets home in the afternoons, he spends a total of 5 minutes playing with, holding, and helping Caroline. The rest of the time he plays in his playroom or with his toys right next to us. If she cries or if it seems like she is distressed, he always goes right to her to comfort her. He likes to give her toys and tries to put her pacifier in her mouth. He asks to hold her every now and then, but just as quickly as he holds her, he's finished with her!

I know it is just the first week, but he is doing incredible. He wants to help us in so many ways. He tries to comfort his baby sister. He still plays independently. I know there will be ups and downs for all of us, but I am just so proud of him for being so adaptable during this major transition. He has made it so much easier for all of us!

The hardest part for me is that I can't pick him up. There have been several times where he's asked me to hold him or he's put his arms up and it just kills me. He doesn't understand that I want to pick him up, but I can't. There have been a couple of times where I've held him because I just couldn't not do it (he's my baby!) and both times the pain I experienced afterward made it clear my body isn't ready! I've been scolded by Mike and my mother several times and they've both forbidden me to do it again.

I have loved this time getting to know my second baby. I am glad that we sent Lucas to school for the week so that I could have time to heal and bond with Caroline. But I have to tell you when that little boy comes through the door each day, my heart leaps with excitement. I never understood how a heart could grow to love so much, but my heart truly has done just that. I know for sure that I love Lucas and Caroline the same and oh do I have so much love to give them both!

Motherhood has been the most amazing experience of my life. I am so lucky that I get to be part of it for the rest of my life. I am so blessed and thankful for both of my babies. I am so glad that things have gone so smoothly so far. My wonderful life just grows more wonderful by the day!

Caroline's Birth Story- The REALLY long version!

2011-05-04T11:46:00.004-04:00

After seeing my doctor on Monday, she agreed to induce on Friday, April 29. I felt so relieved to know there was a real end in sight. Knowing when she was coming helped me get two personal days approved for Wednesday and Thursday. I spent both days wrapping up loose ends, resting, and spending time with Lucas.

In an effort to move things along, my doctor stripped my membranes at my appointment Monday. She told me I would probably have spotting, cramping, and probably some contractions. She told me that I'd know when it was the "real" thing, though. To my disappointment, I didn't feel crampy or anything at all that evening. I was starting to think it didn't work.

On Wednesday, I did begin experiencing contractions. They were coming more often, but weren't unreasonable or even consistent. Throughout the day, I was spotting and was slowly losing my mucus plug. I was quite excited with my progress. I was hopeful that all these things meant I would go in for my induction and things would move along nicely.

Wednesday night, my contractions got more intense. I realized that they were coming at regular intervals and decided to start timing them. They were coming about 10 minutes apart and were lasting between 45 and 60 seconds. I was having trouble enduring the pain and getting comfortable, but I did eventually fall off to sleep.

I woke up Thursday morning to the same contractions and when I went to the bathroom I was surprised with a complete "bloody show." Since I knew Thursday was Lucas's last day as my "baby," I wanted to spend some special time with him. We cuddled up together on the couch for several episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. When we finally got around to getting dressed, we headed out for a few errands. We first stopped at Target for a few things and then stopped by Babies R Us. While my contractions had continued from the night before, they weren't getting closer together. They were, however, getting harder and more intense.

Lucas and I went to Chick-fil-A for lunch. We had lots of fun laughing and playing. After lunch, he played for a little while in the play area. I was having trouble getting comfortable through the contractions so we went home. I put him in bed with Mike and laid down for a quick nap myself.

I woke up around 3:00 and decided to run and get my toes done. I thought maybe that would help me relax. It did not. I was having painful contractions, but at this point they were still only about 8 minutes apart. My gut told me I should probably call the doctor, but for whatever reason I talked myself out of it. The girl doing my toes must have sensed I was near the finish line because she was so sweet and massaged my legs and feet extra. Any other day I would have relished it, but I was in way too much pain. I hobbled out of the salon and headed home.

When I got home, we packed Lucas up and drove him over to Mike's dad's. He lives 30 minutes away (near the school where I teach) and we have to drive on an extremely bumpy expressway. The whole way there I was clutching my belly and trying desperately to breathe through the most painful contractions I'd ever felt. At this point they were coming inconsistently every 6-9 minutes. They would last anywhere from 30 to 45 seconds. Since this wasn't "regular" I assumed it wasn't the real thing. Though the pain made me question it. Still, I didn't call the doctor.

I told Mike's dad that I thought we might be heading to the hospital sooner than our 6:00 a.m. induction time. He was really excited and told us to call at any time. On the way home, we realized we hadn't had dinner. Mike only had 1 and 1/2 hours before he had to be at work. (We made the decision for him to work Thursday night so we would have more time together after baby was born.) I really wanted spaghetti, but we didn't have time to stop anywhere. We decided to order a pizza and pick it up on the way home. When we finally got home (about 6:30), we sat down to eat. I ate a couple of bites and felt really nauseous.

I got in the tub to try to relieve all of my aches and pains. I was trying to time my contractions, too, but they just wouldn't regulate. We debated back and forth about what to do. Mike wasn't really convinced I was in labor and neither was I, but I knew it was only a matter of time. Finally, I decided to take a shower and wash my hair. If this was it, I didn't know when I'd feel like doing that again! :) My mom called while I was in there and she could hear me crying when Mike answered to talk to her. I refused to talk to her and that's when she knew something was wrong.

Mike made me call her back when I got out and she asked if she and my dad should come over to be with me since Mike had to go to work. I immediately said no. Mike decided that he needed to be home with me, but he had to go get his guys lined up first. He left the house at 8:00 and promised to be home by 10:00. When he left, I called the doctor. She thought I should wait a little longer until my contractions were regular.

From 8:00 until 9:30 (when Mike got back home), I did my best to breathe through the pain. I kept wishing that my water would just break so I would "know." In retrospect, thank GOD it didn't! Mike was being as sweet as he could but I just kept snapping at him. He started to time my contractions and I just yelled at him because though they were now coming anywhere from 2 minutes to 5 minutes apart, they were only lasting like 20 seconds.

Around 10:45, I had a painful contraction and then vomited. Five minutes later I had another painful contraction and vomited again. I went to use the restroom and blood was everywhere. I called the doctor and she told me I should go on in to get monitored (though she still wasn't convinced I was in labor). Luckily, I was already registered and had a bed waiting for me. She called to tell them I was on my way.

After scurrying around the house, we got in the car around 11:30. The hospital is about 25 minutes away. As we were about to get on the expressway, I felt this "gush" and then the strangest sensation. "Oh my God, Mike! My water just broke!" I don't think it was until this point that it sank in for Mike. He literally drove 90 the rest of the way. We couldn't get there fast enough. A few minutes later, I felt another gush and the contractions just kept coming harder and harder.

I called my mom and my sister to tell them both. I was crying hysterically and told them that I thought we waited too long. Boy did we ever!!

We had to go in through the emergency entrance because the Labor & Delivery entrance was closed for the night. A security guard wheeled me up while Mike moved the car. When we entered, I was freaking out because they were going to get me set up in triage for monitoring. That's when another nurse asked for my name and once I told them, they wheeled me straight to my room.

It was clear that my water had broken. They had me try to use the restroom before getting on the bed. I couldn't for the life of me pee, but I had the urge to push. One nurse checked me while another did blood work and got me hooked up to the monitor. They were doing everything they could to speed up the process so I could get an epidural.

I was still totally under the impression that I would be getting an epidural even though I was already 9cm dilated at that point. With each contraction, it was harder and harder to take the pain. The head nurse was right next to me helping me breathe through them. She completely freaked me out when she said that it was okay if my doctor didn't arrive, she'd delivered plenty of babies.

Somehow, they managed to get everything ready for me to have my epidural. I was so thankful! But when my doctor arrived and checked me, she told me I had two options. I could get the epidural and try to wait long enough for it to kick in (which it may or may not have done) or I could just push. She said she could see the head and with just a few pushes she would be out. I waffled a little, cried a little (and I think screamed a little), but decided to just push. I was already in the most pain I'd ever experienced, what was a few more pushes?

She had me grab my legs and told me to just push whenever I felt the urge. I felt this intense pressure and pushed with all my might. Just one push and her head was out. Mike was holding on to my head and cheering me on. One nurse had my other hand and was cheering me through. Everyone remained so calm and just really helped me make it through. I pushed one more time with all my might and out came the most beautiful little girl I've ever laid eyes on. Caroline Elizabeth was born at 12:35 in the morning. She was 7lbs and 19 inches long. She had a head full of dark hair and the most beautiful complexion. She was perfect!

They took her over to be weighed, measured, cleaned up, etc. She was screaming and the sound was beautiful. What I had forgotten about while looking at my new little love was that the delivery wasn't over, yet. With Lucas, I had an epidural so I never felt a thing. I vaguely remember the placenta coming, but I sure didn't feel it (or even see it). This time, the placenta wasn't as ready to come out as our sweet girl was. It took over a half an hour of more pain plus some poking and prodding to get it out. Then, my doctor had to remove several blood clots. Talk about some pain! And finally, she had to stitch me up. Thankfully, she used some numbing medicine and was as gentle as possible. Though I could still feel the tugs. Luckily, I just had a very small tear.

The whole time, I was shaking and shivering and crying. I was overwhelmed by what I had just done and was completely in shock. I didn't hold Caroline right away because I was shaking so badly. Mike held her and put her right up to my face so I could love on her and so my mind was on her instead of the intense pain down below.

Once I was all stitched up, my doctor told me that my bladder was very full. She really wanted me to relieve it because that was additional pressure and pain for me. She tried to get me to "just go" on the delivery bed, but I've never been able to pee on demand. After the trauma I'd just experienced, there was no way. Just 45 minutes after delivering Caroline, I went to the bathroom to pee. Blood was dripping everywhere and I felt just awful and embarrassed. The nurse was so amazing and made me feel completely normal. I couldn't believe I was walking around and actually felt decent. The nurses kept saying I wouldn't be doing this if I'd had an epidural.

Actually, all of the nurses and my doctor made me feel like a rock star. They just kept saying how awesome I was over and over again. Mike, was my biggest fan, of course. He kept telling me how proud he was and how awesome I was!

They got me going on pain medications (Motrin and Percocet). They asked me if I was planning to breastfeed. This is not a topic I'm comfortable with, but for many personal reasons, I chose to formula feed both of my babies. However, with this newfound strength I never knew, I decided to give breastfeeding a try.

Finally, Caroline and I had some time to ourselves. It was the most perfect thing to heal my wounds. She latched on perfectly and the feeling was indescribable.

Around 2:00, they moved us to the mother and baby wing. I got to hold my little miracle as they wheeled me through the different wings. The transporter was so funny and just kept telling me how great I was and how beautiful Caroline was. I was on a high of emotions (and I think my pain medicine kicked in, too).

We didn't get to see Lucas have his first bath because they had taken him to monitor his lungs. Now, the hospital gives the bath in the room, so we got to see all of it. So precious, though she was NOT a fan! Caroline slept from about 2:30 until nearly 9:00 without moving a muscle. It seems being born took the same toll on her as it did on me. I couldn't sleep, though, so I mindlessly watched coverage of the Royal Wedding.

We tried several times throughout the night to get her to latch on again. She was so tired that she wouldn't do it. She knew what to do, but she just wouldn't do it. Later that morning, I had a lactation consultant come try to help us. She gave us all kinds of hints and tips, but Miss Caroline still wouldn't latch on again. Mike was 100% fully supportive of me, but he also knows and understands my character and my personal issues. I promised him that the minute I changed my mind that we would switch to formula and never look back- no regrets. We tried a few more times throughout the morning on our own and with help and when I felt that fear and doubt and panic creep through me, I told my nurse it just wasn't for us.

She was completely supportive and told me that it isn't for all moms. She also told me not to feel any less for not doing it that I'm still a great mommy and my baby will be just fine. She's been on formula since then and is taking to it like a champ!

Even now, 5 days later, I still have trouble believing it all. I can't believe I had a completely med free childbirth. Me!?! Someone with the lowest pain tolerance on the planet. I also still can't believe I was in labor all day long and just dealt with the pain. I definitely didn't know my own strength!

I love my little girl more than I can describe. She is so beautiful and she has filled my heart with inexplicable joy. I stare at her for hours and my heart just swells with pride. I snuggle her and smell her and emotions overwhelm me. She's only been here 5 days and I already can't imagine my life without her!

I am so blessed!

Sweet Caroline is Here!

2011-05-01T14:03:00.004-04:00

My sweet little girl arrived April 29 at 12:35 in the morning. Apparently, she wanted to come in to the world on her own terms! She's not quite 3 days old and she already has a most exciting story to tell!

I'll write a longer version of the story when I have some more time and energy (which might be next year), but the short of it is:

Contractions all day long, but never down to 5 minutes apart (Thursday, all day)

Painful contractions coming harder and faster together (6:00-9:00 p.m.)

Doctor recommends waiting until they become more regular (9:30 p.m.)

Vomit twice after two consecutive contractions (10:45-11:00 p.m.)

Doctor recommends heading to hospital for monitoring (11:10 p.m.)

Water breaks on the way to hospital (11:49 p.m.)

Arrive to hospital and get wheeled frantically to my room (12:10 a.m.)

Nurses check and find I am 9cm dilated (12:20 a.m.)

Caroline Elizabeth is born (12:35 a.m.)

If anyone was wondering that means that I did NOT in fact receive ANY pain medication whatsoever!

Our sweet girl weighed 7 lbs and was 19 inches long. She has a head full of dark hair and the most beautiful complexion. Her doctor said she was absolutley perfect and we couldn't agree more!

As for me? I am doing surprisingly well. As many people had told me, recovering from a natural childbirth is leaps and bounds easier than recovering from one with an epidural. I never believed them until now. I walked off the delivery table and went to the bathroom to pee just 45 minutes after giving birth. I feel better 2 days after this delivery than I did 6 weeks after Lucas's. I only had to push twice and though I tore, it was not anything like the 3rd degree tear I earned with Lucas! I'm tired and sore, but feel pretty darn good. I also feel kind of like Superwoman! I definitely didn't know my own strength!

We arrived home late this morning and we are learning how to be a family of four. I know it will take some time, but one thing is for certain, we are all (including Lucas) over the moon for this girl! She is beautiful beyond words and is worth every second of pain I endured.

Nested

2011-04-28T08:53:00.003-04:00

I don't know if it is a good thing to know when your baby is coming or not. I've really enjoyed my time off from work, even with keeping Lucas home with me. Yesterday I got a ton of rest, spent lots of time with Lucas, cleaned and did laundry till my body couldn't take it anymore. Mike went in to the kitchen to do the dishes after dinner and found an empty sink. He reminded me that for the time being that dishes and everything else are now his job. I better not lift a finger! :) Yes, sir.

When he came home from work this morning he asked me what still needed to be done. I made a final "list" last night, but most of it is already checked off. Laundry- check. Laundry room cleaned- check. Bags- double check. School stuff to the basement- check.

The car seat base still needs to be wiped down and the carseat needs to be installed. The pack-n-play for downstairs needs to be set up. I need to go to the store for (of all things) toilet paper and trash bags. I need to call Humana about my flex spending account.

That's about it! We're so ready that I'm starting to walk around in circles! I'm starting to doubt if I do in fact have everything.

I'm also getting nervous. It seems silly and lots of my relatives have called me on it, but I can't help it. I know what is going to happen and thankfully I have Lucas's birth as a comfort that it won't be that bad. Still, I can't help but worry about little things that could go wrong. It is just in my nature. I've been praying fervently for a healthy delivery for both of us and that we both come out on the other end safe and sound. That's all that really matters.

And in the TMI department, but for my own memory, I've been slowly losing my mucus plug over the last two days. Lovely! It has been tinged with pink and brown, however this morning I woke up to a complete "bloody show." Lovely. My contractions have become much more intense but are holding out at about 10 minutes apart. I truly hope that means when I go in tomorrow that I'll have made some more progress and the induction will be a quick success. One can only hope!

Today, Lucas and I are going to run to Target (toilet paper, trash bags) and Babies R Us (seat protector for under the carseat). We are going to treat ourselves to Chick-fil-A. When we get home, I'm going to put Lucas down for a nap next to his daddy and I'm going to sneak out for a pedicure!

Later tonight, we will take Lucas over to Mike's dad's house. He's spending the night there and they will take him to daycare tomorrow, which is exactly what I hoped would happen. When my mom gets out of school (2:20), she will pick him up from daycare and bring him to the hospital. Hopefully I will have had the baby by then. If not, my parents live 2 minutes from the hospital so they might go home until the baby arrives. I just don't want Lucas sitting around in the hospital! Call me crazy, I don't know!

I am excited and nervous and overwhelmed! This is the moment I've been waiting for all these months. I really can't believe it is here! I can't believe it is time!

Tomorrow (pending everything goes as planned), we will be a family of four! We will have a brand new baby girl! We are so blessed!